Week 1: Master Rock vs Defiant ROCK WINS VIA NS, OPEN FOR FEED
 

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https://i.imgur.com/ZKgQGyB.jpg
The source of my breath
atmospheric warden of the preservation of flesh
fending off the reaper, yet when you speak I'm deaf
You give, but I want more till there's nothing left
not even a crumb, origin of all the things to come
yet to mankind is what you'll succumb
to dust in wind returns to the root from where all it begins
The grasp of nature is in her eyes
I want the between her thighs
I feel the part of the substance and dirt of which we derive
produce me a seed while I intertwine, flirting with the rain in the sky
cloud 9, I feel so high, this rush penetrates while voltage fertilizes
terrestrial sun kisses making out till its alive
place my stake
you give, you give, I take
till you bleed
you sow your seed
I eat, you feed
in my ignorance I won't concede
I watch as you give birth
I cut deep and disperse
masochistic, why must be so perverse?
I take, I use and abuse, while she stays put and profuse
she sustains me
I can't get enough
more and more I lust
Her heart light like a butterfly but under my heel I crush
withering the fruitful yield
leave her in agony while she holds the last seed to build

@Defiant

Master Rock wins via no-show

Give this man some feedback

You finally didn't no-show! That deserves a round of applause in and of itself lol...

Nah, but for real this was cool man. I dug your take on this, some solid wordplay/concepts sprinkled in there. You wording was off though at a couple points, I noticed... but I filled in the gaps. No real issue... just thought I'd mention it.

I liked this part the best:

"I feel the part of the substance and dirt of which we derive
produce me a seed while I intertwine, flirting with the rain in the sky
cloud 9, I feel so high, this rush penetrates while voltage fertilizes
terrestrial sun kisses making out till its alive"

Good stuff.

Loved the end

Went out on a high note


Good pacing

Great visuals

Kudos

Looking at the picture I assume that that is a clever play on photosynthesis--the process in which trees produce breathable air aka oxygen. While at the same time, it's some sort of romantic testament and nod to the personification of Mother Nature. I'm just guessing here, tho. Nonetheless...very clever.

That's pretty deep. So what you're saying, in a sort of round about way, is that Mother Nature, or in this case, the personification of the forest, is the giver and sustainer of life, however, when she herself is in need of preservation and protection, her cries fall on deaf ear. I like that.

Speaking of deafness with the topic in mind, I now find myself pondering the old philosophical conundrum that ask,"If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" Perhaps when you wrote those lines you also thought of the same question?

The first six lines were cool. Typical poetic jargon and what not. The last line however, had more substance and weight to it. I guess it's the biblical allusion to the creation of Adam that appeals to me most. I liked that.

This went from poetry to porn. Not sure I want to continue. Seems like a private affair. lol. Nah, for real tho. This was pretty good. I dug all the "earthy" wordplay, so to speak.

Idk...on the one end, I assume that you're trying to express a one-side relationship, where Man only takes from nature out of extreme lust, gluttony and greed. However, when you write stuff like "I eat, you feed" it makes me think that this actually a reciprocal relationship instead. Or a toxic and dysfunctional one, if nothing else.

The children of the forest should lock you up and torture you.


With that said, I found this to be an enjoyable read overall. The spacing was good. The concept was interesting. And you had a handful of lines I really dug. Good stuff.

...

Really enjoyed this read and think had your opponent shown you would have had this in the bag regardless. Loved the ties to Mother Nature, but also keeping it vague enough to be read in different lights. The imagery you provoked was beautiful and though there wasn’t really a concrete storyline I dug the whole character analysis and all the wonderful language. I think you captured the essence of the photo well, the whimsical nature of it.

My favorite part was:

“ The source of my breath
atmospheric warden of the preservation of flesh
fending off the reaper, yet when you speak I'm deaf
You give, but I want more till there's nothing left
not even a crumb, origin of all the things to come
yet to mankind is what you'll succumb
to dust in wind returns to the root from where all it begins
The grasp of nature is in her eyes
I want the between her thighs
I feel the part of the substance and dirt of which we derive
produce me a seed while I intertwine, flirting with the rain in the sky
cloud 9, I feel so high, this rush penetrates while voltage fertilizes
terrestrial sun kisses making out till its alive”

You’re an awesome writer and I hope you stick around and compete