Round Two: Dave vs Diablo - OPEN FOR FEED!
 

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The wife hated me smoking.
I hated her cooking.
The taste of my choking tobacco helped aid it’s consumption.
The slop grew as grey and disgusting as the woman that served it;
a lumpy convergent mess with a thick skin that covered the surface.
Nicotine discoloured the curtains until our walls were marked
with sprawling darkness stained in a micro-layer of jaundiced tar.
The porcelain vase sat in the window hoping tomorrow’s arrived
a constant reminder of how hollow inside I was with my wife.
I’d cough in reply to her silent treatment with unhealthy disdain
through teeth as yellowed with age as the daffodils she seldom displayed.
The smell of the stale benignant smoke foreshadowed disease
as it’s cancerous reach gradually creeped into the very fabric of me.
The daffodils genus is Narcissus, which was apt with a codependent
so pretentious she’d grown obsessed with her own reflection.
The smoke ascended until a leaden sky formed overhead
every coarse toke that entered my lungs saw me draw close to death.
It’s warmth slowly eddied until nothing quite was left
but a silent memory of what once was when she took her final breath.
My then lover, wife, and friend became a trinket to behold
unflinching as her cold dormant gaze stares into the window of my soul.
I hear her whimpering at low volume jeering me with past advice
it’s never easy when you have a wife, even in the afterlife.
She peers at me from at the side of the void that she left
with her disappointment as stressed as her voice in my head.
I don’t enjoy cigarettes so much as I do pissing her off
by flicking the phosphorus ash into her skull as she’s wittering on.
I’ll quit when I want,
not when you tell me enough’s enough.
I stub the nub on her cranial cavity,
coughing “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.”

I enjoyed this short topic for what it is was, nice little original tale, noticed original tales is something you occasionally do and is such an underrated quality from a creative aspect so big up, rhythmic patterns, phrasing, flow all on point on here, no need to go into deets, kinda lost it at the end which felt rushed im guessing. However the last phrase was so fitting. Really dope and ties it all together perfectly imo, sums it the attitude of the character(s) you’ve developed and obviously applies to the topic at hand

good stuff, shame we didn’t get to see it in competitive form

I’m of a similar opinion, the first bit is done masterfully honestly the imagery is soooo good I appreciated it a lot as you know it’s sort of my focus when writing.

Nicotine discoloured the curtains until our walls were marked
with sprawling darkness stained in a micro-layer of jaundiced tar.
The porcelain vase sat in the window hoping tomorrow’s arrived
a constant reminder of how hollow inside I was with my wife.
I’d cough in reply to her silent treatment with unhealthy disdain
through teeth as yellowed with age as the daffodils she seldom displayed.

Was my favorite bit

And like MMLP said the end got a little hazy but I think had you had ample space to expand on some of the details you would have I still liked it. And I liked the image of this couple fighting into the afterlife carrying the same vices as they did when they were alive. And loved the last two bars, in which you wrapped it up cool with the imagery of putting the cigarette out on the lover’s skull and then the ending like was a great way to wrap it up. This was A nice verse and probably would have garnered my vote if it went up for competition. Keep writing sir

Good stuff as usual mate. Perfectly connected to the image and moved at a pace that set the scene and kept it interesting. Nice gruesome imagery at the end that put the button on the whole thing in a satisfying way. Weird that I read this less than a week after I've quit smoking. Strong but not overbearing vocab. Rhyme scheme was good. I've really got no real criticism of this piece mate. Shame it was a no-show verse.

Vote Dave