GWL PLAYOFFS ROUND 1- #1 CLUTBUCK (6-1) VS #12 CANDY (1-2) CLUTBUCK WINS/OPEN FOR FEED
 

chick in an egg

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=143925

'A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.' -Confucius

Dumb Ways To Die
..
Pray tell ripples in stained sails of cocaine
Dipped in dimples, my freckles reflect sane
Remade dreams of sewn in steps of grown safe
Each draped by their face saved in grace blown staged
Past the grasslands what if and mounds of me
The lost belief within seeds that still dance free
I waltz to winter winds addicted through
The streets scolding tears thinned in thick spew
The cardboard homes, the chains of old and new
The rats they eat from the crack they smoke when due
From newspaper lou's, blankets made of too late
From the fuck yous they suckle until hate
Between each coco who never knew love
Like I, when summer comes and i look above
I beg not pray that this high never fades
In time all dies and we as a race just trade
What remains as remains after the drop
All wont be lost from rock when i stumble off
..

I’ll be here.

I’ve been teaching my daughter to walk.
Her hands in my fingers, she’s cautious of falling,
scampering gingerly as she scans the vicinity.
Always in awe.
Of course when she falls, she stands up and instantly
it’s “Daddy,” she grins at me.
A wide toothy grin.
She smiles through her wrinkled nose with pride doing it,
eyes truly fixated on my response.
Stopping to dodge obstacles before tottering off.
She wants me to watch;
I want her to watch out!
The toddlers the boss now, our roles have reversed.
My nine month old little girl is growing determined
with her own mini personality slowly emerging.
She knows there’s a world at her feet to explore
and she’s eager to walk it alone,
without me for support.
There’s tears when she falls, but she’ll rise to the challenge
realising her path is about finding a balance.
I’ll stand aside once she’s managed to lift up her little legs
to give her more independence
but a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step...

Candy - Too quick again my man. No time spent on it and it showed. Poor word choices did you in here. You had some potential for some cool bars but it all just read very awkwardly.

Lars - This piece hit home with me. Very well written, clear and concise. This was you on autopilot but it was more than enough for the W. Loved how you flipped the concept - seemed so simple yet it also seemed perfect.

Highlights:

"She smiles through her wrinkled nose with pride doing it,
eyes truly fixated on my response.
Stopping to dodge obstacles before tottering off.
She wants me to watch;
I want her to watch out!"

- My daughter is 4 months so she's not quite there yet, but I cringed at this part because I know what's coming lol.

"There’s tears when she falls, but she’ll rise to the challenge
realising her path is about finding a balance"

Not much of a question here, #1 seed dismantles the #12 seed easily.

Vote - Lars

Candy- Some poetic imagery in here that I liked. The punchline at the end tied to the topic well, although I felt you could've engaged with it more throughout the piece. I see a lot of potential in your style and this league was the right place for you to grow it. The rhyme scheme could've been upped a little. Use of vocab was generally strong but awkward in a few places. Solid effort.

Clutbuck- Great take on the topic. An emotionally engaging story of something so simple but so important to a new parent. I really caught the heart of this. You put us in the new father's mind and conveyed a tone that wandered between sweet and funny effortlessly.

'She wants me to watch;
I want her to watch out!
The toddlers the boss now, our roles have reversed.'

Had me chuckling. I've got a smorgasbord of nephews and nieces I've had to watch like a hawk in my close knit family at one time or another so i felt a personal connection. Short and sweet. Great job.

Vote- Lars, good effort by Candy though.

Candy - I liked some of the late parts of your verse there was some decent imagery here for sure but I think all in all I was a little iffy on it at best, just didn't think it was a great take on the topic or that it didn't really call back to the quote really, could have used the ending as the "first step" towards recovery or salvation. Idk

Lars' - Really nice piece here, and a step away from your technically proficient verses. Good poetic imagery and just more reliant on emotions and what not didn't have huge rhyme schemes or anything but what you had made up for that.

#1 seed here did his job and won pretty easily. Good work

V/Lars

Man this was a close one. Candy your verse was fire. Proxy metaphors in complexity Drew out. Cluck the interesting thing is when it hits home in his personal with a different story. And it tells a very different story become the topicals. Personals always hit harder than fantasy to me in reality. And that was enough to make luck take this one. Candy if it wasn't for that fact that you dealing with that little one you would have took this.

my man candy. i enjoyed this. Seems to be about a drug addict who traverse the city's alleys looking for drug or i think it could've been a metaphor for your adventure in drugs? like with most of your work, its left much to interpretations. Some lines were fantastic to me. "blankets made of too late", i don't always know what they mean but the turn of phrase is often time awesome lul. Overall, its not a bad verse, just a little too cryptic.

boom, nasty! "fixated on my response." oh man do i know what that means! that part really illustrated perfectly the whole "we're superhero" to our kids and their innate need for approval lulz. really cool man. short and sweet while maintaining strong mechanics.

vote, lars for the overal stronger verse.

I think candy would of won against what lars dropped tbh. Lars came with simple yet profound message when taking about his daughters journey to growing up. It’s relatable to most of us and if not it’s easy to see how it relates to most. Nothing really crazy like his Usual stuff, I found this piece soothing and smooth. I think what did candy In was that his message got lost in the translation. His wording was too cryptic and it made the verse feel rushed and unfinished. But ready it a couple times over I gotta say I enjoyed his attempt a little better. I think if he would of wrote a little more and fleshed out some of his ideas he would of took this one easily.


Good read from both tho