WEEK 10: brokenhal0 vs Candy vs Symetrik SYM WINS
 

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verse sent to Inno - adding verse to thread

The Distance Between Legs Scratched
..

I travel in thought sure of things to come
strings of such sing this love sonnet of umm
through my brain to be made of blood to pump
stuck between each breath as a beat me up
my legs they rub, from thigh to boot then some
of all fears my eyes they tear as if fun
i drop screws for nails in cots of frail
i listen to the streets heart beat each pulse and sail
i whisper on the winds and float through the trees
a father of further to each worship
to purchase i scorch future in wordsmith
drunk off of time my mind is my thighs, moved
wondering these jumps how could i fly loose
as i hop in each wave waving to what is new
never second guessing my direction for proof
that one day something will hold those strings by ends
move me in place for what is between both my legs
so i relax and let faith take its own course
because a dish served is a dish served of sorts

yo since Inno isn't online here you go

https://i.imgur.com/lDdf3LS.jpg

I'm sorry about your daughter but my cancer will kill me too

I can barely stay focused... alert... awake
Eye's hang heavy... complacent... complaint:
I've noticed I've struggled with motion of late.
I'm hoping I just need a break.

I'm awoken at eight... pause in a lull.
The birds at the window seem awfully dull.
And colour me pink but I honestly think that the blood in my sink is suspicious....
I don't feel the pain but it's surely explained that I bit through my tongue something vicious...

Time for the toast.
Or... yogurt and fruit?
Are vitamins mine?
I'm feeling confused.
... am feeling consumed.
I'm waiting to speak, but longer and longer I'm feeling too weak.
it's boring to eat. devour a thought.
hour by hour and louder than ever is screaming I'm lost.
hopefully not.
hopefully fine.
hopefully doctors and nurses will find.
hopefully pull out this madness of mine.

Awaken at nine... pause in a dream.
The birds at the window seem awfully mean,
Vulgar and grumpy and bumping the screen.
pausing asleep. awaken to BEEP and I go cuz it's green.
mentally note that the hood should be cleaned.
I wonder who screamed...

@brokenhal0

A x-ray of excuses in exchange for entombment
a movement matter of fact this reality is still as plain as i knew it

but the puppet masters at play will challenge the way you sneak threw it
divide and separate defecate who will deny a prison planet anyway

the truth is strange it hides and exist only to prove whats late
in the race of time all women and men lose there shape

in exchange for mine i lose the pain lucid hands move the wave
the sooner i ran to loot whats great the longer it took to move away

soothing cause the spell has a cooler name and don't be fooled boy
they gonna look your way but you good shooked with hate

lovers lane but we ain't the same protest the system alienate your brain
taming lions but the wounds in vain word to the moons in planes

erking you till you move away the movie was filmed today big screen
your world your eyes big dreams you lie you die ask what does this mean

big cut not paychecks big strings wake up the simulation is doing your thinking
with no choice her moist would be empty tempt me again i just say no forever

didn't even know whats clever until the day the weather changed
direction is everything and attention is the only money that's really paid
really sad that few control many in plenty ways

cause they was failures anyway stay on topic the picture is the penalty
last week i was puzzled couldn't get a glimpse of the enemy

thoughts are like centipedes legs with that energy dazed in dark destiny and
they rats hit em with that extra cheese big facts phantoms like them amputees

just hope that i can perceive that cant be us posing in them camera screens
until hell becomes your fantasy's stand for something while we hold up your pants n jeans

the puppetmaster of the crossroads pray for me on your hands and knees....

Candy - You took the most literal approach here I suppose. Not much going on. Some awkward rhymes and phrasing. I enjoyed a couple lines but felt they could've been worded much better for maximum impact. You kept mentioning the stings being pulled in your head which effected what's between your legs... not quite clear why. Maybe the old battle of one head vs. the other? That would've been a unique approach if it was properly laid out and explained further etc.

Take your time man, don't rush to post. You will do much better.


symetrik - First stuff I've seen from you. Not bad at all. You have a very free flowing and casual style that I enjoy reading. Very stark and visual portrayal of cancer eating away at someone. The car accident could've been alluded to a bit more though. Maybe some flashbacks? Kind of came outta nowhere at the end and if it wasn't for that first part in bold I would've been very confused.

Still, this was a cool little piece and I see bright things in your future IF you take your time in the upcoming weeks and dont write so quickly.


brokenhal0 - okay so this was the best overall verse in terms of just straight up rhymes and clever lines etc... But I dont really see this as a quote on quote "topical" verse. This seemed more of an OM piece to me, with lines wrapped loosely around the topic. I did enjoy it though, some really cool lines as I said but in terms of attacking the topic I think it was a swing and a miss unfortunately. I'm here more for stories than just clever rants. You will probably get a couple votes though cuz it was a good verse overall.

symetrik told the best story here.

Vote - symetrik

Thanks for the read guys.

Candy- Seemed a straightforward take to the picture although there were some lines that went over my head in this. A kind of philosophy/metaphor heavy piece here that put me in mind of someone sitting in their room and letting their mind drift. Rhyme scheme was a little stilted here and there which impacted the flow of the overall piece.

symetrik- Interesting style you've got man. I liked the poetic feel to the piece which conjured up the picture of a man with a brain tumour who's slowly losing his grip on reality. Was that what you were going for? If so, it worked. The fragmented lines really hammered the idea home. Nice, straightforward choice of words which established the character, where he was and what he was feeling. Good stuff.

brokenhal0- metaphor heavy piece from you that put me in mind of a guy literally pulling the strings of his brain to produce philosophical musings. A lot of obscure references in here that required a re-read to understand more deeply. It's connection to the picture wasn't as strong as the previous pieces but, in terms of rhyme scheme and vocab choice it was a strong verse. Just wish you'd connected it to the image a little more.

Vote- symetrik, best take on the topic and strongest imagery imo. Good work guys.

candy, man i don't know why but i fuckin love "sonnet of umm" lulz. it was awesome to me. i usually appreciate you weirdo turn of phrase but sometimes it seems you do it just to do it you know. What i mean is, it seems you thought it out and just kind of throw it in there then design the rest of the line around it. don't get me wrong there were some very cool stuff like that sonnet but, i guess what i'm saying is i don't understand some of the lines or the verse as a whole. Maybe try to be a bit more accessible moving forward you know? its cool to be all abstract but don't lose you readers because of it.

symetrik, there were a few instances of awkward phrases such as but i enjoyed this. the structure looked messy but it flowed smooth as hell. reminds me of frank in a way where he can make these long lines work you know? the verse was a bit cryptic to me like did he die at the end? i did like how had this birds at the window callback. it made the verse come full circle which im a fan of and often use in my own writing. overall, i'd be lying if i say i understood it completely but the writing was very good. thanks my man.

broken, ok well i definitely didn't understand what this verse was all about. I really try but i believe my intelligence was not quite there yet to grasp the full scope of this verse. its a lil frustrating actually lulz. the rhyming however was very crisp. you always have unique ways of phrasing stuff, very similar to candy. but aside from flashes of lights, i was in the dark most of the time.

man this was like a battle to see who can go the most abstract lulz. overall, i was at least able to catch on to what symetrik was saying so, due to clarity, i will have to go with symetrik. technically speaking, it was very even. thanks for the read my dudes.