Lies and deceit
 

Feelings of hopelessness make it impossible to cope with this
Its like boat'n if I was sailin over land on a broken ship
This moment is over with like the life of a float'n fish
Flow'n with the 'current' tho the past is wat I'm soak'n in...

My actions are controlled by emotion, which are dictated by who?
Fixated on you, wonder'n which way I should move
switch stations n cruise wish'n I could quit wait'n on you
This statements a clue, cant twist fate cuz I'm done with the sick taste of the truth

Stressed to the max, under the pressure I crack
Dead from the acts of lessors tho I'm better than that
From the head of the pack to the back with the rest of the trash
Cuz Lies move mountains unless they colaps by connect'n the facts...

Under this mask is incredible pain, smiles come and go but they never remain
Clever and sain, going crazy over stupid shit like the weather and rain
Trust is a train and once it crashes its never the same
The tracks lead to no where, just a measure of shame

Shaping letters to blame when the fault is undeniable
Puttin faith in a person, can't hault the unreliable
Confused by the muse cuz the truth is undecidable
Put the music on silent like the mute is Delightable

The sound of my hurt is equal to the sound of my worth
A mound of earth on my chest cuz the weight of my heart is a pound of dirt
Speeding down the straight away and as I'm round'n the turn
I curve ino the curb cuz I'm drownd'n in thirst

Thirst for truth tho it would be a first for you
You flirt then dupe and it proves I'm worthless too
Tying these lines into a nervous loop cuz it works to use as a perfect noose
How I feel about you? the pain on my face is certain to... be a wordless clue

The lies never conclude and the climax is invisable
Overwhelmed by the truth try'n to act like its minimal

did this quick. its truly emotional for me would love some honest feed

Your opening line is super-generic. There's nothing interesting about it at all. The ocean metaphor could have worked if it had been handled more deftly. Generally speaking, similies (particularly those using "like") don't work as well as stated metaphors. But this one didn't work, either, because the important part was buried. Starting with the image of a fish floating would have been a good way to pull in the reader. Also, I found the use of apostrophes instead of I's to be very distracting.

This stanza had a lot of potential and worked much better than the last. But it needed more depth. I don't really like that you stuck to this four-lines-at-a-time structure because it doesn't allow you to expand. The image of driving was not developed at all, but I like the idea of switching radio stations while waiting. That's a good, real image. It needed more development.

The rhymes were forced here. You didn't really say anything interesting because you were busy packing in rhymes.

The train metaphor felt very forced here. Again, though, you're writing in couplets. The first two lines were strong, but you could have deepened these specific frustrations with more images or more detail about how you dealt with that frustration. And the train metaphor felt out of nowhere and completely unsubstantiated. It might have worked, but it was going to need at least six lines devoted to it or better, crisper wording.

We're still too vague on this scenario, but we're closer to figuring it out. With that said, I thought the wording needed work most in this stanza. "Confused by the muse cuz the truth is undecidable" is a very amateur line. It doesn't really mean anything but has a few buzzwords. If you tighten your content, the wording will be tightened as a result. Make every line mean something. Develop your thoughts and flesh them out fully.

I'm going to close by saying basically that I've sounded out all the problems already. You understand the basic concepts, but you still need to polish up pretty much everything. Your flow was strong, but it came at the expense of the content because a bunch of rhymes were forced. Mostly, though, you need to tighten things up. Come up with an image and develop it more, or at least be more clever in your pursuit.

thanks for feed man really appreciate it

i truly enjoyed this piece. the multis were crisp as hell, and i thought it was emotionally poignant. the flow was pretty damn dope. would sound good on a beat. i was impressed with this. i found deeper meaning in most of what you said.

you should consider joining the WCL writers league. you get alot of feedback there. check it out

http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=13242

good drop dude