Galactic War
 

http://i63.tinypic.com/5ug5kz.jpg

Hey…I’m Sarah; I’m worth exactly one billion slavecoins
Nox-5 and Eupha-69 are favorite drugs at our local rave points
I’ve settled here on Sperare - a mote of dust in the wind
A Mega City, one of thousands on this cluster we’re in
I’m a warrior of many means, of hacking lust and of sin
An agent of the resistance against that fucker the king…
Darkness and cunning are deep in his soul, lurking within
Taking planets in hostile fashion on the burst of a whim
Leaving members of the populace to nurse with their jinn
In lieu of death or exile, they choose to curse in the wind…
He’s planted seeds in this city, but I can see the same trap
There’s denial; even after we've evolved to 30 percent brain cap
...Still remember the takeover when I was just a little girl in a home
Their demonic insignias - a world of pearls and of bones
Experimented on my parents, somewhere in the firmament’s throes
When they died, I knew at once; now a girl was alone
So I excelled in academics, athletics and speech at their schools
and went along with that indoctrinating reason of fools
But that was then. I long ago escaped by grace of my will
and I’m like the woman in Kill Bill - that most ancient of films
Moving through shadows in the street out of scope of the enemy
The people hide it in their eyes; their hope is diminishing
The tattoos on my body - homage to a tribe that I miss from afar
a lineage somewhere in time along this prism of ours
There was a native tribe known for their wisdom of words
Back when humanity was localized around a singular star
So I pray to the war gods and wait for whispers from Mars
and tip the balance away from evil and the cynical herd
As I stare at my face floating over the glint of my purse…
Who knows whether I’ll live or be deceased in a year?
I lay back in my woman cave, attach a piece to my ear…
Pull up the interface and smirk, I’m about to get ready
to upload my avatar at the celestial city
It’s made in my image but stronger, with laudable posture
My fingers whir as I prepare for the consciousness transfer
The team is ready at my incubation tube for when I open my eyes
circling the city undetected - know that hope is alive
Blue energy rises up into ether and the king’s at the crest
My escape is one mistake he’s gonna live to regret
The pulsar cannon is ready, my head is filled with the art of war
I upload -
“speed at invisible glide, straight into his corridor”

I figured I'd feed in here since people sleep on the OM forum nowadays...

You had a lot of creative ideas in the beginning section, the slavecoins, the drug names, the Mega City (which seemed straight out of a Judge Dredd comic to me LOL, I'm a fan) and you opened it pretty well. Keeping it conversational was a good touch, the 30 percent brain cap was a nice addition too to this imaginary world you build up.

You started to scheme more at that point and switched it up, which was enjoyable, but I noticed you used "girl" twice in the same multi string (which I'd neverrrrrrr do, I'm a perfectionist faggot). The Kill Bill being ancient now was a cool call-back reference, I enjoyed as Tarantino is my fave director actually. Some of the slant rhymes didn't come off as well for me, like "hope is diminishing/scope of the enemy" I can kind of see it and that may be an accent thing but it didn't work for me personally. There's another one pretty closely after it too where you use prism of ours/wisdom of word/singular star" that don't work for me no matter how I try to bend the annunciation LOL "about to get ready/celestial city" is a real reach for me too and "laudable posture/consciousness transfer". I think the ending lacked something. It needed more. I mean, I get it, she sent some kind of rocket or beam toward The Kings palace and blew him to smithereens presumably, but it just felt kind of abrupt and came around too fast without any real resolution after you built it up great to an overall anti-climactic ending. I don't mean that harshly at all, just trying to give you some pointers maybe so you can learn and improve. I appreciate you showing up and showing out. It's largely an enjoyable piece, there's a lot to like and there are sprinkles of your true talent hidden in there it just needed maybe a re-write to the ending of it to make it go somewhere different. I liked it though,

Keep that pen moving!

Dope intro. I'm loving the self-invented sci-fi jargon.

"a mote of dust in the wind". I like that. It's simple, but paints a great picture of a remote and desolate location on a barren planet or Space colony.

Your phrasing has been really dope thus far. I'm getting a real graphic novel type of feel from this read.

The storyline is pretty cool. It definitely has my attention and I can visualize a lot of what you've written. I think in terms of imagination and creativity, you've scored a homerun. However, in relation to mechanical execution, I think you could have done more to spruce up the fluidity of the rhyme scheme. It's not that your flow is choppy or anything, but more so it reads somewhat streched and or underwhelming in this particular section. However, even with that said, I have to stress just how much fun I'm having reading about this dystopian existence you've created.

The backstory is super cool. The wording and flow are both butter. And the Kill Bill part - bruh ... pure gold..

Maybe, I didn't read it as you intended for it be heard .... But uhmmm ... a lot of those words didn't contribute to the rhyme scheme. I mean some end rhymes and scattered assonance, ensured that there was some measure of flow, but for the most part, this sectioned read more like a straight up novel, than it did a lyrical verse.

If we remove the stretched and or manipulated rhyming from the equation this piece is really fuckin dope -- content wise. Again, I love the imagination injected into it, the vocab seems legit given the subject matter and, the plot is pretty cool.

The only thing holding this piece back from being a real gem (judging it as a topical of course) is the lack of a more fluid flow. Especially in reference to your end rhymes.

In any case, your talent to tell a visual and captivating story is apparent. You got skills, man. Thanks for the read.

appreciate the feed forreal bruhs

I went back and re:read this again ... this time on a larger screen, which changed the entire format of the verse. That allowed me to see your lines in full. Thus, I was better able to pick up on your inner and compound couplets. This joint flowed a lot smoother than I initially thought. Some of the scheme could still be tweaked a bit. But in all sincerity, I definitely overlooked a hefty portion of your rhyming technique. My bad, NY. Correction made.