Netcees - i don't know what i want

Quote:

I dont know what I want
surface dwelling alone at the swamp
oak in a marsh, soul searching proverbial want
more or less spawns of monsters nobody needs
you were my star spangled banner. I was taking a knee

There is a lot to absorb here -- turn of phrase, figurative and symbolic language and abstract imagery. Due to your high usage of poetic lingo I'm not quite sure how to interpret all of the above, but I am enjoying how you express your thoughts and emotions via sophisticated and artistic wording. I'm sure as I continue reading on the meaning and/or the subtext will begin to reveal itself.

Quote:

subterranean breeze, vitamin pond, still smell your perfume
every once in a blue, Dahlia Divin creeps in the room

If NC was a wrestling organization you and dead man would be Hulk Hogan and Macho Man Randy Savage. I'm new here, but I don't imagine I'm the first person to notice the similarity in your writing styles.

In any case, I dig your content. Your imagery and metaphors read like a tiny fragment of a fractured memory (i.e.; the perfume reference). I thought that was a nice little touch.

Quote:

black lagoon creature. months of despondent malaise
never under the same moon, but always got in your way
every constant is change, every constant in chains
sheriff to my merits, conversation warranted pain
follow the tunnel light or walk amongst shade

Your mechanics and transitions read smoothly. Your language in this section (not unlike the others) is very interesting. It has an undertone of emotional distress. Perhaps it's a romance lost scenario? That seems to be the underlying theme of the piece. The shade/tunnel line is dope.

Quote:

political topic terrain. a boxer on the ropes
you taught me to love; to love to be alone
hundred teeth, sunk in deep. rusting at the bone
propaganda prone. meditative combative state
post traumatic melodic drama
copacetic cathartic static
momentary sedative saga
cautionary tape over skeleton skull in the closet
mama said to me never mince words with misses karma
megabit verbage. sapient alma. inner trenches of prison
velvet and soft linen, cotton henley makeshift pajama

These images of love induced trauma you paint are really cool. Some are even stunning. You are to language what Pablo Picasso is to painting -- artful and tasteful. But, also very abstract in the messages you wish convey.

Although, your talent with words is undeniable, some of this -- and I don't mean to insult you -- is verbal masterbation. Well, maybe not "verbal" because it's in written form, but you know what I mean. The reason I say that is not because the writing is lackluster or anything. It's clearly great, but after two or so lines it becomes long winded and overstated. So much of the above section is eccentric and hyperbolic lyricism that could have been summed up in a more concise fashion. It's just that after a while the true intent of the writing starts to lose it's poignancy and purpose.

Although, I could see the above section working out beautifully in a stage performance. As a spoken word piece -- combined with expressive hand gestures, voice inflection and tempo changes -- it would hit with more potency, imo.

Quote:

couldnt figure you out…
kissed crevasses in your skin you were indifferent about

Spiritually healing her insecurities and finding beauty in her imperfection -- a statement of love and acceptance. Dope af.

Quote:

awkwardly distant to things that slipped through my mouth
look at you now..
blood soaked sinful devout
the untolds dripping, gun smoke cigarette clouds

So the after effect of her distance from you is a less than the best version of herself? *Ponderous*

Quote:

love grows thinner when sun strokes negligent doubt
what comes, goes
hum low under floor boards or they’ll figure us out

My interpretation of the first line is that what is done in the dark shall come to light -- thus, metaphorically saying, the sunlight shall reveal the truth.

The proceeding line reminds me of the movie 'People Under The Stairs' and Edger Allan Poe's short story 'The Tell-Tale Heart' . I'm not sure if either is relevant to your story. I just thought I'd mention them because they came to mind.

However, if I had to guess, I think maybe the line is meant to express an affair. Some sort of hidden romance with the possibility of being caught, be it physically or emotionally. Or something along those lines.

Quote:

self destruct sequence, count to zero with me
feel your feelings metamorph like metaphors in the breeze

I was gonna nitpick here, but I'll leave it be since the flow is so liquid.

Quote:

i don’t know what i want, just know what i need
better go home before I’m awoke and i see you
momentary passes, focused entropy seams
beams of light bustling through cracks in the stream

I see some sort of goddess or angelic being exploding in a burst of light. Also, it's become obvious that you are conflicted in your emotion, yet totally obsessed with this muse you've typed this sobbing soliloquy about.

Quote:

pockets of time like globules; skip stones in ravine

"globules"??? Who uses that word? It's kind of dope that you have. Your vocabulary has been outstanding from the jump.

Now, let's see, time=droplets of water that make up a larger [time]stream and you two are the stationary stones that if flows around, but not over? So your love stands still in time? But, then you used the word pockets which indicates different moments in time, so maybe your interactions with one another are memorable, standout instances in your lives that you are reflecting upon as you begin to "self destruct"/let go .... or uhmmmm ... Idk. lol

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everything’s loud even when the volumes negative three

Like my subwoofer. Continue ...

Quote:

nothing we do can salvage this irreparable dream
que pena me da, que lo tienes sentir

Smh. That's pretentious. But maybe you're a native spanish speaker(?)

In any case, it comes across as a relatively trite dramatic effect writers typical tend to incoperate into their poetry in an attempt to seem more sophesticated and... uhmmm ...

*scratch that*

I believe insincere is the word I'm looking for.

With that said the actual translation is pretty nice.

Quote:

shouted to leave, as i whispered the please

So in other words, you don't know what you want.

An aptly title piece of work.

So, as a whole this was a superb piece of writing. You had evident emotion oozing through your lines, your language was creative and mostly original, your flow was effortless and the theme was obvious, while at the same time reminiscent of a puzzle. I enjoyed piecing it all together. Thanks for sharing.