Finny tells his most embarrassing stories ITT. (Will update as I think of them)
 

So why I don't drink beer...

I was 17 living with my 24 year old brother. I had been drunk before but not too many times back then. I grew up Mormon if you didn't know, so I got a late start. Anyways, went to a party and decided I wanted to drink. My brother brought a 30 pack of keystone lights. He handed me one, I started to drink and spat it out like "wtf shit nasty". Everyone laughs and they convinced me to finish that beer. After 4 beers and spitting heavily because I hated the taste I said no more. I wasn't even drunk yet. So I'm like "what else you got?" Dude had a 5th of mcormicks vodka in the fridge. (I hate vodka too now) I took 5 shots with no chase. Ended up in the bathroom praying to the porcelain god.

Now these days every beer tastes like keystone to me.

Moms caught me masturbating once.

I was 15 or 16 still living at home. Back in the days we used to have the best internet of all my friends. (ISDN) Before cable internet became a thing. So I used to get in trouble for looking at porn all the time cuz DUH that's what teenage boys do with REALLY fast internet (at the time). I had my own computer and everything. Pops was a professional nerd so he was rebuilding his PCs all the time and giving them to his boys. My brother had the 800Mhz processor that was his last replacement and I finally upgraded to his 300Mhz processor (my previous PC was the old 486 processor that was 33Mhz with a TURBO button that went to 66Mhz!!!!) anyways, mom was supposed to be going to the store and shit. I was like "YES PERFECT TIME FOR A LITTLE 20 MINUTE SESSION!!!" lmfao. She gets in the car, starts it up, I'm full fledged hard-on with pictures of Pamela Anderson on deck. Fully pull down pants, about to lotion up... Mom's forgot to ask me something so she left the car on and came back in side. I'm full fledged hard on, mid stroke, she busts in my room. IMMEDIATELY grabs the closest thing she could find (my goddamn ROLLER BLADES) and starts beating the shit outta me still lotioned and half-chub.

Worst day of my life.

Dad gets home from work and laughs at the both of us.

What does it mean, uh oh?

One time I was walking to the bank about to cash my check. I sharted in the middle of the street while I was crossing. Started the whole one leg limp cuz my pants were sticking to it. Got all the way inside the bank and went to the restroom. Pulled my pants off, cleaned up and left my dirty drawers in the trash. Cashed my check and went home.

Another time I sharted myself I was working at Subway. I was in the middle of making someone a sandwich when I did it. They saw the expression on my face, asked me if I was okay. I said "yeah" and customer left. I went to the restroom, pulled my pants down, cleaned up and left my dirty drawers in the trash. I walked home and never went back to that job again.

Another time I sharted myself, I was staying with a buddy of mine and his mom. She had just sold her house so we were staying in a weekly rent apartment. The floors were off white carpet even in the restroom. I was bending over brushing my teeth and I thought I had to fart.

They taxed her for the carpet.

You're not loved

Your thread just inspired me. LOL

I got so many fucking stories it's ridiculous.

I grew up with 3 older brothers. They were all assholes.

Once they locked me outta the house when I was like 5-6 and told me I was adopted but I was too old now. I had to go find my real family. I was on the front porch crying for like 2 hours before my mom got home and whooped the shit outta all of them.

Later, to get me back... They held me down with butcher knives and told me they were aliens trying to eat my brain.

Then, I remember one time they put Icy Hot on my balls and locked me in the closet.

Think Big Daddy for a second, where the kid spits and then sucks it back up in his mouth.

My brother Trevyn used to put his knees on my shoulders when he pinned me to the ground so he could use his hands to punch me or whatever. Sometimes tho, he'd hold my head so I couldn't turn it and he would do the hawk a loogie (sp?) and let it drip down till it almost hit me and then suck it back into his mouth. Then spit it out and suck it back. Do that about 5 times til he would hawk up another one so big that it literally would cover my whole face.

I'd get up screaming bloody murder like "OH YOU'RE SO GROSSS!!!!" and he would just die laughing. After I washed my face and tried to get my revenge, he'd usually just beat me even harder after that.

I shit on the side of the road once because I ate a giant piece of cake that I wasn't aware was an edible. I was the DD that night too. But out of no where thought I was drunk.....and couldn't stand. Had to have my drunk homie drive.

This is like a new age Joe Dirt.

LMFAO what's that gotta do with shitting on the side of the road tho. Lol

I shat in the woods once and got poison ivy.

Dear diary...

The high made me have the shits bro.

Lol ok lolol

Fuxking loswr smh

Delete the site

I once shit on top of a hill Cuz I ate mad cookie dough bites at the movie theater and we decided to walk over the hills that separated the business street from the residential area. Long story short at the top of the hill I took a shit and used one of my socks to wipe. This was back in 2001... I bet you that sock is still up there somewhere crusty as a fucking dinosaur fossil.