sleeveless
 

((i am the blues))

i am not a poet. that's a label.
i'm an able, ancient force of creation
predating words to shape it.
i am nascent:
sapience growing only
when it's known it's not grown.
i am home
when wandering amongst
foreign winds not foreign.
to lack a sense of belonging
is to forget one's Self.
forfeit one's self-image;
identity tied to other's eyes
will compromise your visage.
instead actualize your instinct.
that often forgotten knot in your gut,
untie its corrupt tangle and tug.
wear your heart on your tongue
-- what's your sleeve ever done?
except deceive that we are spun
from the same fabric of unchained magic
or obscure that we are pure as we begin,
but unsure what we’ve become,
pure... as we begun,
pure as we come in – naked, skin and bone.
ruled by will alone,
shifting stone to house our souls,
if we could just crack the mould
of our old habits I know that it’d grow arid lands
and make verdant the earth between us.

but you don’t listen. you’re a genius.

you’ve lived a thousand lives a phoenix,
you know we lie between mars and venus,
but you don’t know we lie to ourselves and believe it.
looking outside to see what’s scenic,
yet never within because the tremulous din
of cavities sing sorrow.
are we then hollow, living in atrophy?
little black holes dripping causality
-- pull me in, give me more gravity.
fill my lungs with dirt to peel borders back.
let me breathe earth and bleed water that
cuts the sinewed strings
wound around this thing I call mortality
and I wake the fuck up. sleeping far too happily.
no, i’m not a poet.
i’m just poetry that’s happening.

I really enjoy the whole structure of this piece
its sensual and inviting, the story displays your skill

wear your heart on your tongue
-- what's your sleeve ever done?
except deceive that we are spun
from the same fabric of unchained magic
or obscure that we are pure as we begin,
but unsure what we’ve become

^^^
the flow & word choice is quite poetic.
I also enjoyed the idea that followed this one
the whole skin & bone/will alone thing was smooth
I really liked the work of same fabric/unchained magic though...

yet never within because the tremulous din
of cavities sing sorrow.
are we then hollow, living in atrophy?
little black holes dripping causality
-- pull me in, give me more gravity.

^^^
the start of this wasnt really to my liking
but I enjoyed the whole use of atrophy...that was nice
I like how the ending rounded itself about as well
this was quite a stellar return to the stable...nice work

I didn't like the blunt phrasing of "when it's known it's not grown".


I like the wording here as well as the choice of adjectives.

Interesting claim, very opposed to the thoughts of many.


Really liked this


I think that you headed toward's abstraction with this expression of opinion/ view, where it'd be more effective to be straight and forthcoming unless you introduce a demonstrative situation or example to tie up with this sentiment.


In the end, a bit pedantic due to the lack of world-building and/or trust built with the reader. Too withdrawn a testimony from a narrator who is admittedly withdrawn. The narrative seems reluctant to be scrutinized and reluctant to engage.


Good writing. My 2c

thx broz

I thought this was okay. Reasons for believing this can't be said in breaking down certain sections because I think that wouldn't actually be helpful here. The whole thing read like a more sincere, modern poem. The wording was... condensed. And in being condensed, or thick, it reduced the readers capability to transfer whatever emotion that needed to be captured. A lot of the writing was continuous and very refreshing. stanzas held true to their concise nature - slow, developing instances. Other than that, I think you delivered this in a very good manner, the quotables let by Split, especially the Sleeve/heart bit was easily the pinnacle of the read and it reached a thorough reachable conflict, rather than an explanation of what's going on. Wavelengths are everything. I enjoyed it

'preciate the perspective bb. i feel it sounds a bit better than it jumps off the page:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5DyVO7UHeY

looks, i'm a nerd.

Nice performance bro. Good shit!

thats pretty cool eng.

surprised either of you two got past the accent. respect.

last bump

i lied, but might mean it this time.

This is my favorite thing I've ever read.

wear your heart on your tongue
-- what's your sleeve ever done?

That's amazing. I wish it was followed by something....more inspiring than "except deceive that we are spun...."

Then followed by something as sick as



pure... as we begun,
pure as we come in – naked, skin and bone.
ruled by will alone,
shifting stone to house our souls,
if we could just crack the mould
of our old habits I know that it’d grow arid lands
and make verdant the earth between us.

but you don’t listen. you’re a genius.


"Except deceive that we are spun from the same fabric of unchained magic. " doesn't fit to me. Maybe because the piece feels so...ethereal, that "fabric" kind of throws me off.


The rest if it is near perfect.

I really like your shit, & let's face it if I didn't I'd tell you, I know you know this.

Your word usage @ times is odd, not here but in general...I didn't get that with this joint...its well written, a piece I don't have to read over & over again to grasp whatever will always get props from me...your intelligence is evident here...I can't fault this.

It's just an enjoyable read hands down, I give you two thumbs up.

Stay awesome my friend.

felt this deserved some more love....so bump

@rugges
@eng
Very impressed in here.
Blown away with your accent. Thought you were from ny dog? Lol. Shows how much i know.

Anyway. This shit is dope. The stage performance really sealed that for me also.
Well done fam. Im a fan

ohh yeaaaa that was like the third time i jumped on a stage doing this. i'm more polished now but word i appreciate the love.

and yea man i was a young english back when you were adolf spitler and shit.

Word. Dopeness. Good to know.

I like this too