Netcees - The City of Drugs

Netcees (http://netcees.org/index.php)

- Open Mic Section (http://netcees.org/forumdisplay.php?f=6)

- - The City of Drugs (http://netcees.org/showthread.php?t=123124)

The City of Drugs

http://i.imgur.com/8AAId42.jpg

Give me a minute,
...i'll show you an emotionless void
Childhood antics; minus oceans of toys
Where hopes are destroyed & death statistics are up
Welcome to my home, we call it, "The City of Drugs"
Alchemy plus a little chemical skills
To let your ventricles feel, either the liquid or pills.
Experience Intimate chills of a syringe penetrating your skin
Releasing all basic functions til you're complacent within.
suitcases full of quaaludes, some xannys & percs
And a .357 revolver in case our enemies lurk.
Methamphetamine urge? We have just what you need
But be warned, the higher the demand.. the higher the fees
It's not that we're greedy, we're businessmen, minus the suits
& our product's are top notch. We white glove our vials & tubes.
In other words,
We stand by our merchandise supplying only the best
So whether you're feeling lonely, or in a mode of regret...
We have just what you need to help you cope with the stress
So tell us your goals, to either control or supress
Cause from weed to coke, or just some E to roll..
We'll fill in that role, so give us a test
Sure addiction's a bitch and kills a limited few
But it brings home the bacon..
& nobody cares about an addict, especially if the addict is you.

I really enjoyed the start of this verse & the eventual build up to the picture reference
your word choice fits well into the following lines that you choose
I felt towards the end you started to lose focus though. otherwise this was pretty cool
the middle section was the strongest point of the piece for me & made me say awww
but towards the end with the weed & roll it felt like you tried to stick to the subject too much
after methamphetamine urge I was like yea this is nice...it just felt redundant to go back to the list of things again...

nice work though...keep writing

Quote:

Originally Posted by Just Write (Post 572394)

http://i.imgur.com/8AAId42.jpg

Give me a minute,
...i'll show you an emotionless void
Childhood antics; minus oceans of toys
^I dig this
Where hopes are destroyed & death statistics are up
Welcome to my home, we call it, "The City of Drugs"
Alchemy plus a little chemical skills
^I thought the transition of scheme could have been a bit smoother here
To let your ventricles feel, either the liquid or pills
Experience Intimate chills of a syringe penetrating your skin
Releasing all basic functions til you're complacent within.
suitcases full of quaaludes, some xannys & percs
And a .357 revolver in case our enemies lurk.
The start of this piece is strong but I feel like your rhyming get's dumbed down quite a bit as this progresses into it. The content is still good don't get me wrong but just didn't quite have the umph the opening section lead me to expect.
Methamphetamine urge? We have just what you need
But be warned, the higher the demand.. the higher the fees
It's not that we're greedy, we're businessmen, minus the suits
& our product's are top notch. We white glove our vials & tubes.
In other words,
We stand by our merchandise supplying only the best
So whether you're feeling lonely, or in a mode of regret...
We have just what you need to help you cope with the stress
So tell us your goals, to either control or supress
Cause from weed to coke, or just some E to roll..
We'll fill in that role, so give us a test
Sure addiction's a bitch and kills a limited few
But it brings home the bacon..
& nobody cares about an addict, especially if the addict is you.

Overall this was just decent. I feel like you executed topic sufficient enough in it's own right but the thing with openers is it set's the bar for the rest of the piece and it was a let down in that way. Keep at it.