Tabitha's Song
 

Who is Tabitha?
Read her story.

http://s22.postimg.org/g38rvkwe9/image.jpg

Tabitha is crestfallen. She felt rotten.
How could she let her defense soften and be left trodden?
She could not have shown less caution. She regrets falling.
She let love’s threat blossom and was infected by its death toxin.
Oh, the betrayal she felt - it quickly morphed into vengeful desires
To her, Robolationships was just an alias that meant Deception For Hire.
With a contemptuous fire against such a wicked attack,
She made a vigilant pact to stop those guilty of this villainous act.

Robolationships’ CEO was Lucas Graves. A brutish knave.
He was the man who sold the world the only thing it truly craves.
A hardly demure entrepreneur, he was resolute in direction
As he developed an android adroit in the realm of human affection.
An illusion so precious - his units accepted to a booming reception.
They made the woe-beset forget about the wounds they’d been dressing.
But there were moralists who more or less besmirched his design
They thought it a merciless crime to trick a person’s mind with circuits and wires
But let the purists conspire, he thought, they all beat the same drum
Cyborg or life form: if you attain love, who cares where it came from?
So those who longed from being wronged when left to their own devices,
Would spend their earnings on their yearning, no matter what the price is
He saved the lovelorn from blunt scorn - providing hope was his art.
So what if a few of his drones had gone rogue and broke a few hearts?
He felt irreproachable - few had been dealt such delusions of self
As he’d accumulate wealth with each Roboyfriend that flew off the shelf.

Graves entered his office with a newspaper in hand.
And was met by a fuming woman intent on making a stand.
No stated demands - only the retribution she sought.
For his fugitive fraud and its punitive abuse of her heart.
He said, "I know why you're here. And I'm sorry for what you've endured.
You came to vent your hate for how I’ve desecrated something so pure.
But I once was in love. That sweet rush - alas, it was in vain.
And I was abandoned just the same, left to grapple with the pain.
That shrapnel still remains, lodged in the very meat of my being,
So I built these droids to fill the void left from the grief of that feeling.”
He saw the girl bow her head and the tears roll from her cheeks.
Just then he struck, and he gripped her by the throat and he squeezed.
But didn’t notice her breathe. And he knew he had nothing to blame.
The irony struck as the android blew up and engulfed him in flames.

Tabitha self-destructed her droid - she smiled as her plan took effect
Then she downloaded Graves’ fingerprints from his hands on its neck
She used them to gain access to the Robolationships vault.
And then laid waste to their databanks with a brazen assault.
Except she kept one program, and had it stored on a disk.
Which she swore was for kicks, a memento from their glorious tryst.
But many nights, the loneliness grips as she sips a glass of wine.
And wonders if she rebuilt him, would it be different than last time.

Thought the title was quite intriguing. I also appreciate the consistent linkage between your title and the narrative you employed here.
Content-wise, it was quite an interesting read, not overly creative in terms of the picture approach, but I thought your narrative and vivid description of the surroundings contributed well to an original work here. Your usage of multis was also quite nice, thought it appeared rather simplistic in a few spots such as the "shelf/self" one, but I thought it wasn't overly forced.
I loved the closing stanza, thought it was the highlight of this verse. It had terrific imagery, a clear closure and a smooth flow. I also liked the subtle abstractness in your last line,
"And wonders if she rebuilt him, would it be different than last time."
A really nice closure to an overall interesting, good verse.

Good read; solid narrative.
I'd encourage any newcomer or person wishing to improve to pay attention to how you write.
Incredibly impressive structure&rhymes, but I feel like it's "my role" to tell you that this is a little bit too clean.

@Pharaohs Army what do you mean by too clean?

But there were moralists who more or less besmirched his design
They thought it a merciless crime to trick a person’s mind with circuits and wires
But let the purists conspire, he thought, they all beat the same drum
Cyborg or life form: if you attain love, who cares where it came from?

IMO 2nd stanza is your best here, and this is the OM verse of the month if we still doing that..
but did you already win award for the origins of this? if so I guess no need to double down. whatever fuck off bro. i'm a little bit thunderstruck from parts of this.

I'm way overgeneralizing here, but I've noticed a similar style from you and at least 3 or 4 other people here. I'll have to try it some time; wish me luck.

^I was writing that comment before I just now saw your question..

Too clean is hard to explain.
Let's just say it is the kind of feedback I give to the very talented.

This is DEATH
"i needed it more chaotic - to die"

Hey buddy I thought this was cute...not up to par with that cute video you dropped in your other battle but cute..
I see you toyed with the verse you had written for Writers Week which was....a couple months back?
Pretty interesting stuff.
the rhyming was sub par to previous works. I feel had you toyed with the 'Person' angle you may have stood a chance
this was easily read and not as rewarding as your other pieces where the internal rhyming shines...
I feel after you picked it up after that weird intro you started to shine.
But after getting to endured/pure I feel like you started losing steam...
how long did this take to write? I mean that conversation doesn't even seem natural...especially for an android.
who programs a robot to say 'alas'....seriously...



id give you a 6/10

This is the verse that scared you into no showing. Makes it 10/10. Lmao @Mr. J

You are awfully mistaken my dear delusional crusader.....its in plain view in the Finals thread...you were nowhere to be found when asked a question from the almighty ringleader @Adonis



keep digging that hole

Again, your trolling is terrible. I was on time. You were nowhere to be found. What a surprise.