Netcees - Week 17: Frank vs. Ullr

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Week 17: Frank vs. Ullr - (Ullr)

LGPA Season 1: Week 17

Check ins: Thursday (Midnight Eastern time)
Poems Due: Friday (Midnight Eastern time)
Votes due: Sunday (Midnight Eastern time)

Topic:

GHAZAL

Best of luck to both competitors. Bring your best poetry forth unto us, the readers.

This stretch of the Savannah belongs to a cunning Gazelle
Deep pink, slopping wet, curling up, grabbing grass
Who here - has never been tongued by The Gazelle?
Cheetah sprinting, morning jog, break a sweat,
Break a leg: good luck to you trying to outrun The Gazelle
Flies flurry, watch your step, massive pile
Footprint fresh, steamy hot dung, that's from The Gazelle
The Wild Goat and The Antelope,
and The Fallow deer all shun The Gazelle
Newborn, barely stands, topples over
Mother standing over me, I, am the Son of a Gazelle
Burst of speed, grace, alert, I stot
Swiftly fleeing from The Cheetah, I sprung A Gazelle
Never follow herds, stand out amongst,
Amongst the Gazelle
And when that sun come up, start running from me
Become
The Ghazal

Ullr's Ghazal:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ullr

My sweet, my cherished Jay of Moons; for you my love's near infinite
the heat in the terrace sweeps as we meet just as cherubs do when intimate.

Your eyes prismatic, in their glow whole worlds contained!
I stare into you, but tranquil my girl, unfurl your swirling brain.

These pillows soft and long for you, their stitches itch for sharing
draw your lips to mine o' lass, our kiss'll build a bridge o' caring.

Hands over mine, our hearts beating time, these sands we tie are precious
Let loose my love, let worry simply vanish, unclamp your diamond necklace.

Stay with me, hold my hands o' softly 'til the morning -
whether the rain or snow is falling, there in the loft we'll share our stories

In you I'm wrapped - by you completely captured;
just your smile takes my breath, one glance leaves me enraptured

Your beauty knows no boundary, I'm drunk just in your presence
My knees quake and heart'd race as you render me defenseless

Your skin as sweet as nectar in the spring in evening showers
I shall be your worker bee if only you might be my flower.

I love you, it's such a simple statement -
but at the thought of losing you, I begin to feel deflated...

Words cannot contain my heart, how can I share with just a sentence?
So stay, my world, my love, all my parallel dimensions.

Frank - Lol that was clever to metamorph gazelle into ghazal. Nice touch. Your wording can get a little sloppy at times. When there's less lines, take more time with it. Smoothen. It'll benefit everything if you do so. A humorous piece.

Ullr - I thought this was an orderly and neatly written take on a romantic work. The narrator's affection for the ideal woman of grace was convincing. I drew parallels to my own life and the way I've felt towards beautiful women - enraptured, a good word, and hard to suppress as a man. I thought this played it safe a bit...although well written.

My vote goes to Ullr. He took a more safe route, but it was more thorough. It had less bags around the eyes.

Frank enjoyed the tone of your piece i thought it went
Well with your owrding and images. Def like you better when
You write those epics. Feel like this incomplete? Or maybe rushed
And said fuck it post it lol i dunno but this was ok.

Ullr

I believe the flow and the progression of your lpoem really
Lent them selves to thiscweeks topic very nicely. Crisp imagery
And wording along with a strong storyline that didnt flatline or
Go south. You kept it very neat. You have a knack for that.

Vote ullr

Better ghazal in my eyes.