once wants
 

bottlemouth wet with deluge,
touch hallowed ground with heaven imbued,
spirits sixth sense left us confused,
shots in the dark, I followed the
pretty incense of bottled perfume.
the first through the fifth lessened
the togetherness, too, pair/ separate/ reduced
to ventures of sexual youth
for a spell & a moon, seldom seduced-
wasn't thinking, unpredicted,
innocent scratch in a crystalline ball
distant, detached, delicious dissolved
a hit of this acid & existence revolves
around instants & seconds
in the thick of it all, viscous resemblance
in liquid reflection & time ripples out
at the festival/ fair. it never was there.
and I saw before you: the fade
and the cut.
Walden Pond. strange not to want
or to feel anything, vacant as fuck
a lakeful of lust drained to a cup
I couldn't explain why I stayed
on the shore until you were
a stranger I fucked like
the remainder of sun when the
stars strained into dusk, the glow
of the smoke detector same as it was,
and you wrote me to say you
had waited enough & the light switch
stayed up while you drank to a slump


but the sunrise was nothing but brightness

Dope diggity. End scheme was fluid as fuck. Have fun. Be safe. Make sure you're phone is charged and only use it for pictures. Don't take molly off sketchy people. Get them good feels on bruh.

I felt it was pretty solid over all, but some parts left me re reading to try and catch the flow. For example:

touch hallowed ground with heaven imbued,
spirits sixth sense left us confused,
shots in the dark, I followed the
pretty incense of bottled perfume.
^ the third line threw me the fuck off

in the thick of it all, viscous resemblance
in liquid reflection & time ripples out
at the festival/ fair. it never was there.
and I saw before you: the fade
and the cut.
... most of this sections, I mean I like what youre saying, but I lose the flow in a train wrecking fashion.

Other than that, dope writing.

the togetherness, too, pair/ separate/ reduced
to ventures of sexual youth
for a spell & a moon, seldom seduced-
wasn't thinking, unpredicted,
innocent scratch in a crystalline ball
distant, detached, delicious dissolved
a hit of this acid & existence revolves

I really enjoyed this section right here, your vocab choice is top notch these days
I remember the first time you popped in around these parts and I was like yea he's dope
& you still continue to impress me after all this time that it's really enjoyable...
this whole piece is written in such a poetic fashion & the flow of it is basically off the charts
you set up so much with so little & that's what makes reading your work worth the view
you have a knack for staying on topic and just writing your ass off when you choose to
dope shit brah!

@Wise Wiggles @K Panda @Mr. J thank you for reading guys

This was very beautiful. In fact, I feel like you are one the writers I feel that writes the most beautifully. I think that is a good word for your writing. Because as you know beautiful implies certain connotations, it is powerful in a sense, but not because it evokes internal strength, but rather because it is alluring, there's mystique imbued in its captivation. The way you use words is aimed toward enticement of cutaneous sensory regions. but I feel what you can add to make your writing more driven is to add a visceral grip on the reader. Something that possesses the reader not because of the eloquent remarks, but rather because there's a deeper sense of correspondence.

Let me explain what I mean by the last statement. Because I notice you do write always with like an extended metaphor. There is something for the reader to grasp on the surface, but underlying this theme there is something more meaningful. But, this meaning is shrouded by your language. It is hard to penetrate, connect, or gain further insight because it almost seems you intentionally don't want the reader to know the whereabouts to what you've hidden. And while, enticement might work well in your sexual exploits, in the realm of writing, I feel it leaves the reader with a yearning for something more, even if you intrinsically provided it, but hid it under a silver tongue pretext to not reveal a greater link to the magniloquence and vastness of your thoughts.

Thanks for the read.

But it's dope. So, like I said, nitpicking for "simpatico reasons".

also, "sigging" an excerpt of this is a pretty strong statement.
i can't disagree with it, but...
don't do it too often, or it won't be as powerful.
if you know what i mean.
that's supposed to be funny but also kinda serious^

@Godcomplex - thank you for the read. I'm trying to make my writing less pretentious. It's hard to let the reader know when or when there is not a general point to what you are saying. It gets even harder when you don't want it to be the singular purpose of your writing
@Pharaohs Army thanks for the feedback man. I try to actively sacrifice flow for clarity but can see that I stumble here and there

last bump for feed