Netcees - Week 1: Artificial vs. Mr. J- MR. J WINS BY NS (OPEN FOR FEED)

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- AOWL Season 5 Archive (http://netcees.org/forumdisplay.php?f=216)

- - Week 1: Artificial vs. Mr. J- MR. J WINS BY NS (OPEN FOR FEED) (http://netcees.org/showthread.php?t=119624)

Week 1: Artificial vs. Mr. J- MR. J WINS BY NS (OPEN FOR FEED)

AOWL Season V, Week 1

SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Sunday, July 19th, 11:59p.m. PCT
Monday, July 20th 2:59a.m. EST
Monday, July 20th 7:59a.m UK
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Wednesday, July 22nd, 11:00p.m. PCT/8p.m. EST/4a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

Read the full rules here!

TOPIC:
http://i.imgur.com/MoqH2O8.jpg

Good luck @Artificial and @Mr. J

how many lines breh @Artificial

Doesn't matter bro. 16-20 is cool with me. I'll match whatever @Mr. J

"This man is a fool" the voice echoed through the darkness
en route from Penn Station to Flatbush, Home is in the projects...
the hustle, the struggle, individuals dreaming the same dream
something outsiders can't see, the stereotypes that came clean.
it's life, it's crazy... taking on all that's been known to come
close enough to take everyone with us when the doors open up.
a second home to some, to others it gets them from point 'a' to 'b'
a chance to change the scene, to avoid the rush hour & take a seat..
'relax', a moment to take everything in, as the scene rolls by
don't give in to uncertainty, or the ad's your self esteems controlled by..
your whole life is based on perspective, how you take in your environment
a scientist, breaking down the natural order in its deepest confinements.
confide with silence if you feel your route holds a higher standard
in the depths, where humanity is 'real'. it shows in the surprise & laughter.
where better times are captured, and others are just caught in transition
eventually...all of my doubts & my judgement's were 'lost' in that instant
I'm in awe, realizing I've achieved the dream I always wanted...
as I took my first photo as a new photographer for NY Times column...

http://i.imgur.com/MoqH2O8.jpg

Ha, nice little cameo and wrap up at the end. As for the rest of the piece, I felt you started a bit slow and to be frank I felt the first 5 lines could have been omitted for something more poignant. The rest of the lines were pleasant, particularly when you read it the second time, one gets to notice the subtleties, words like "perspective and "capture" that you use before revealing the identity of the narrator. Aside from the beginning, I felt almost all the other lines etched a clue into the frame of mind of the narrator, his internal camera. To me, it felt in the beginning you were somewhat directionless or better said you knew a direction, but did not know yet how to commence the route toward your planned goal, in other words the execution at first was somewhat off. But, the rest was enjoyable. Nicely done Mr. J.