Netcees - The Homeless Man

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- - The Homeless Man (http://netcees.org/showthread.php?t=119340)

The Homeless Man

I'm lethargic and beat
the apple never falls too far from the tree
so I collect the fallen fruit in the Garden of Eden
in a cart 'n then feed 'em to the starvin' and grievin'
the discarded, the freaks, the disheartened
the garbage that are guardin' the streets
and I don't require credit cards or receipts
just for you to turn your face from darkness to peace
embrace your heart as hard as it beats.

I find joy with the vagrant
who's never been employed cuz the fragrance
of alcohol and the slurring of his voice
represents a choice and a statement
but as I set his apple down
sit next to him and his boys on the pavement
I see a different side to him...boisterous, patient.

He glows with wisdom and peace, yet exists on the streets,
people say 'he's not the whole puzzle man he's missing a piece'
but his eye glistens with a glint as he speaks,
joy radiates from his chest to his bearded face
fearless as he's nearing fate, queer and quaint
even tho what years remain are spent on the streets
you can almost hear his veins pumping salvation's searing flames.

Unless I'm hearing things, his voice is truly happy
he's not stuck in a void, huffing, annoyed
even tho his choice of food is crappy
his clothes are torn, bones are worn
I've never seen him fold from the wait on his shoulders
get impatient and cold, or mourn, he soldiers on
toward another frozen dawn
where it's just him and the lonely song of the early bird
yet he remains just like a stone, he's strong.

He told me 'Son, I feel lonely in a crowd, it feels like I'm the only one
it was only when I stepped out of the line that the healing of my soul begun'
He crunches his apple as I stare at him in disbelief, this 'twisted freak'
has somehow found the bliss we seek, he exists in peace.
I'm often depressed, lost in the stress of the world
tossed with the rest on the production line, just a pawn, this is chess
yet he escaped the game, he no longer feels the aching pain
he holds his destiny, resolved, and he's blessed.

So as he finishes his apple, and begins napping in the breeze
I stand up and walk away...
....from the homeless man who's happier than me.

Yes!!!! The witness motherfuckers!!!!

A bit confusing unsure where the homeless man tied into this piece still I've enjoyed the read an anywayz but just felt like u could have attacked each line s bit differently I think your approach needed to redefined decent drop anywayz keep dropping

Hi Witty!

I enjoyed the fuck out of this, this comes across so poetic
your rhyme & word choice went together with the story pretty well

I'm lethargic and beat
the apple never falls too far from the tree
so I collect the fallen fruit in the Garden of Eden
in a cart 'n then feed 'em to the starvin' and grievin'
the discarded, the freaks, the disheartened
the garbage that are guardin' the streets

this opening was sweet, I always enjoy a good Adam & Eve line
the way you start painting the picture is pretty slick from here as well
the way the rhymes come at you is so rapid you get wrapped in it...lol
anyway you grasp onto description so well and you bring a lot to the picture
.....the picture that you are painting...yea

his clothes are torn, bones are worn
I've never seen him fold from the wait on his shoulders
get impatient and cold, or mourn, he soldiers on
toward another frozen dawn

this was my favorite part of this piece, it's just written so well
did you write this on a whim or was this for a tourney of some sort?
either way I thought this whole piece was pretty cool Wit Wit
you brought some great elements and kept my interest throughout
dope shit @Witty...

He told me 'Son, I feel lonely in a crowd, it feels like I'm the only one
it was only when I stepped out of the line that the healing of my soul begun'
He crunches his apple as I stare at him in disbelief, this 'twisted freak'
has somehow found the bliss we seek, he exists in peace.
I'm often depressed, lost in the stress of the world
tossed with the rest on the production line, just a pawn, this is chess
yet he escaped the game, he no longer feels the aching pain
he holds his destiny, resolved, and he's blessed.

I forgot to say...this was my favorite part as well...but yea...this was my favorite section...
great shit @Witty

Up!

Also @Mr. J this was just on a whim, written rather quickly actually....it's been a long time since inspiration just hit me out of the blue like it did here, so it really just poured out of me, and I took advantage of it. I've been getting inspired more and more over the last couple of weeks, so hopefully it stays that way and I can keep dropping. You'll have to ask my mind if it's gonna let me tho, it keeps secrets from me.

here's another bump for you @Witty sorry I buried your work :*(

Nicely written and done, nice flow.

think I responded at RR or RB already but I'll double check then hit this up if not

I loved this.

Only problems I have: repeated end rhymes are a turn off for me, and you do this with street.

The fourth stanza gets a little sloppy with the rhymes. They all felt forced like you were passionate about what you're trying to say, but couldn't find the right words.

The rest of it is well written. I definitely love the concept of embracing being the outcast, and that being freedom.

Great job.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gina (Post 505871)

r u a gorl

Really enjoyed this, ain't seen many polished pieces like this in a while that have a good story both narratively and metaphorically. Seemed legit, don't go becoming homeless thinking it's a better life for you!

On the realzy, the first para was spot on, flowed effortlessly and set up what to expect, felt the middle sort of become a bit choppy in places but this is usually the case when trying to get good content across an I'm nit picking. The last para was killer, def the best bit and left me thinking. Great vocab used which is always a breath of fresh air an all.

Top read.

Quote:

Originally Posted by big baby (Post 506164)

r u a gorl

If by that you mean female, yes.

i'm better than you.

Slick shit...had a bit of everything in here, from multies to emotion... I like it.Should fuck off the centering (is that a word lol) text though like its storybook central...but yo what would I know.

Nice piece bro...stay slaying mutherfuckers.