Witty vs Dr Dog vs Vulgar - (Dr. Dog wins)
 

LGPA Season 1: Week 1

@Witty @Dr Dog & me

Check ins: Tuesday (Midnight Eastern time)
Poems Due: Thursday (Midnight Eastern time)
Votes due: Sunday (Midnight Eastern time)


Topic:

(Don't write to the book itself... just the image.) *FYI, Innovator chose the topics!

http://www.english.illinois.edu/maps...ages/weary.jpg

Check, good luck homies.

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=119249
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=119254

Tab

BOTW

Goodluck bros.

rich in sound. the tavern sensed
the cold burn at the nighttime's open maw
where the patio breathed smoke, and gradual rings
wrote words for the song
from notes that were gathered
on napkins and coasters,
the closest listener couldn't
untangle the pianist from keys
or disengage the eroding of rock into
an old drinker's cough. lowering talks
& i wish there were more words for the world to give
when there's a thousand worlds inflected in the
words you skip. ink to blowout
or wellsprings capped, untwist that aroma
tethered to your tongue as the Shiraz-leaked mirage
burns at the tip,
I can bite or I can howl-
the blues, you never sing

Can poem tomorrow.

Physical labour for 13 hours, just finished.

Can not poem today.

@Witty, ext granted, chap.

------------------


"Light Work"


Electric Co. Smith
hauls coal up the ladder to his cellar
sweating amber
fanned jet grease hits the handles
soaking his feeble pension-pants in gully water

chain gang Rolodex man
sings songs for the dusty centrifuge
as if a lamp-lit sermon could ignite
halls of sycamore with soul; barn burners, steel welders,
cannonball factory staff men, the whole lot

Splashes in a job pool

Scattershot! Scattershot! Scattershot!
goes the molten cytoclops
eyes aglow on avenue of caverns, city Grendel
Bunsen burner palace
too stiff to react to the callous rifts that formed around
harshly sun-exposed billboards licked with flame

Be thankful to electricians
for this whole post-megalithic enterprise

Shone Babe Ruth the way, they did
and the Arabs in the desert

brought the molasses of sunshine to breakfast brewsters
from Kabul to Nantucket
What a light show, how far it stretched

Working class magnetism brunch
adding sparks to family homes worldwide
allowing holiday sweets, homemade pies, radio broadcasts
a properly illuminated showcase
even though many clusters
short-circuited before they could become empires
blips on the cosmic-cultural radar

Dear lord, we give thanks for the blessing of light
in our homes and on our street corners
in our kitchens and on our construction caps
over our cradles and above our shadowy gravestones

It beats power grid hospice

Her changing colours of freedom and grace
Dance as if nobody was watching
In her soul I see growth and destruction
She can annihilate, then rebuild from the ashes
Her orange hair waves a victory salute
And her warmth heats the feet of heroes
She was there before we thought
Guiding us on our journey
She gave us food to fuel our brains
And the elegance to entrance us
Her red dress, shoulder high, beckons us to join
The dance she dances for eternity
She never means to hurt us
If she does, it's just a warning
We can not touch her golden face
Her strength melts ego to modesty
As we stand before her in reverance
She holds the past within her core
And in the future she will burn as bright
And her dance will continue on
The only thing she asks of us?

To question...
Did the man make the flame, or did the flame make the man?

Okay gonna attempt to break this battle down...to me Dr dog had the verse more closely significant to a verse in this battle although his verse was shorter than the others it had color running throughout the piece while the others seemed to lack any meaning..as for witty and vulgari felt v was trying a bit too hard to find any reason to his verse there were also times he had defitions that didn't make sense as for witty I'm unsure what u didn't like about your verse it was a decent attempt at a verse I'm not saying u wre perfect but you used ideas that were well put together just didn't have enough to take the win


Vote//Dr dog

I'll call it as I see it, could be reading too much into some of this but here you go!

Split: Great verse, this format really suits you I think and you'll be there or there about come the champ match I'm sure of it. Your turn of phrase is brilliant, little snippets like the patio breathing were so well done. I loved it. Great word choice and a solid writers voice, maybe a more direct take on the topic than your two competitors here but I enjoy that. Solid as fuck showing, VOTW so far for me!

Vulgar - If I read it right, your verse was more about the importance of electricity and the people who brought it into our lives, with the CEO of the company our "God" if you will providing us with the wonder of light/power through electricity haha! I could be way off but that's how I interpreted it at least, really creative take on the topic and still retaining that Vulgaristic flair to the writing. This is quintessentially you. The left field take really works here, especially as I noted Dr. Dog was more direct in his. "Halls of sycamore with soul" was really dope too, I almost forgot to quote that but on first read that stood out to me for some reason. Great visual imagery for the reader to be fed. Top notch piece!

Witty: I've actually been following your ish at R-R so I had noticed you had done a few poetry orientated pieces recently different to what I'm used to reading from you. Different in a good way, though, and this one being the best of yours I've read yet. I took your piece to be about fire, and the fire being spoke about as if it was a metaphor for a lady. Sure, the metaphor may have been done before, but you had such a great turn of phrase and descriptions here that I can honestly overlook that and say this still felt fresh to me.

Her orange hair waves a victory salute
And her warmth heats the feet of heroes

Her red dress, shoulder high, beckons us to join
The dance she dances for eternity

Both of those deserved quoting in my opinion, very dope penmanship on display here, battle of the week? Without doubt IMO.

Okay so here's how I'm going to break this down as all three of you are infinitely better at this than I would be, Split and Witty had the flair to both of their writings that caught my eye and made me want to quote certain things from them - where Vulgar here seemed to flip the script on the topic and did something out of the box with it that I thoroughly enjoyed because it was so unexpected (to me , at least!) so purely for that creativity and originality this time around - Vulgar gets my first placed spot. Now out of Split and Witty, while both had a similar strength in their wording and drawing the reader in with rich vivid descriptions etc all I can think to seperate them here is again, Witty was a little less direct and built a verse AROUND the topic rather than do a verse already conveyed BY the topic if that makes sense? He didn't just write to what was on display, he took a different approach and crafted something a little different from it, and that's all I really had to split (pardon the pun) the two of you as you were both equal in execution and wording etc for me.

FINALLY, I'm going with:

1st: Vulgat
2nd: Witty
3rd: Split

Great battle, gentlemen!

Dr.Dog - I enjoy the cadence in your poem. Easy to follow yet the level of the way you write reads smoothly as you define blues. Nice use of the topic to truly catch the atmosphere with words as well. Dope shit.

Vulgar - I can see similarities between the style your topicals to this poem. The rich vocabulary mixed with excellent descriptions creates excellent imagery and it's easy for me to paint a picture in my head. The only thing I'd say I'd enjoy more is if you paid more attention to punctuation as certain parts of your verse pays notice to it while others don't. The rather sporadic stanza-build isn't very nice to look at but it makes sense while reading as it creates natural pauses in between each ''set-up'' if you will, I like that. Overall you did a great job with this and I enjoyed the read, the only thing I had an issue with was that it was rather loose regarding the topic given even in the abstract sense.

Witty - Cool. Don't really got anything more to add or take away from your submission. It just is what it is and I like it, and I'd definitely enjoy to read a polished or refined version of this as it seems like you ain't really happy with the product here. That said; I'd still like to see a lot better punctuation because it was close to non-existent. I know I've been putting people down for this in topicals and that's kind of on the edge or unfair to do, but in poetry I see absolutely nothing wrong with it as I feel it's supposed to be a more refined language and beauty unless it plays a vital role to the poem as a whole which it didn't in this, and I felt you lost a lot of points here. Otherwise it was cool, easy to follow and a decent showing in this category.

Vote - I can see what Vulgar is going for and the poem was dope as fuck that I enjoyed a lot but I still think it's rather loose regarding the topic. Witty's verse was rather cool and I enjoyed the end but the punctuation was fucked which I didn't enjoy as much. I felt Dr.Dog delivered everytyhing in this; punctuation though the grammar could have been better but that goes for everyone, dope cadence, short and to the point + nailing the topic imo.

Ye, my vote goes to Dr.Dog for consistency throughout and a solid showing. Dope battle.

I was feeling dr. dogs piece the most, followed by Vulgar and then Witty
they were all good but dog's was just a step above
really liked the "I wish there were more words for the world to give..." part
good shit

v/dr. dog