Innovator vs Destroyer - (Innovator wins)
 

LGPA Season 1: Week 1

@Innovator @Destroyer

Check ins: Tuesday (Midnight Eastern time)
Poems Due: Thursday (Midnight Eastern time)
Votes due: Sunday (Midnight Eastern time)


Topic:

(Don't write to the book itself... just the image.)

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51ichIkvoaL.jpg

In

yep

ext?

Do it

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51ichIkvoaL.jpg

in my dreams I hear hymns
but i awake and hear him
coming home as he's burning with bourbon
heading upstairs to make me sing along
to his shanties and songs
while the wood creaks and stings with his purpose
it cuts through the air too, the switch that I picked
thick, cuz fuck him and pure for a moment
it cuts through the air and into the flesh
and changes things forever like a twister
and in between cries, I'm forced to admire
how a thought can be both a scream and a whisper

and now when I try I remember her cries
better than I can remember the glint in her eyes
she was my sister. she died.
he was questioned.
he lied.
I was six. she was five.
and I miss her.

this blows. so I blow.
scraped my loose cash into used brass.
so I could turn my screams in the dark into Ds & C sharps.
now my dad claps loudest at my shows - he's the proudest
thanks dad
asshole
I hope you choke on your pride
til you fucking die
but I doubt it

You should see it
the soul jumping off the walls
Like helium filled ballons.
Every corner ever crevice soaked
in horn sweat and trumpet glare.
Dizzy up her dress, goo goo went the girls
Swimming in each others jazz. Drenched, drowning.
The band like bats out of hell
Man those cats could play.


cigar filled aroma, whiskey fueled anger.
the night was still young.
I kept blowin life into the room.
with each note they all posed and dance there souls away,
beautiful.
the floors scuffed to the brink, it was a good night.
the whisk of each dress and every curtsy evey bow
the party swung the crowd was load.
the band kept playing and i kept swaying
drums thundered while that bass crept under my skin
Injecting a beat that would liven my veins.
I was never more alive.

Lung filled trumpets blow in the night
rhythmic life, a walts of souls swaying
zombie like.
pouring out my heart in each note
so that score is scorned with my rhythm.
lung filled trumpets spun tales of honest.
truth to the people, they had no choice but
dance.
I was never more alive.

Wow defo botw here I thought u both came well written and its going be hard to decide I don't think there was a clearcut winner here and I'm insure who to vote for in no came a bit more complex whereas destroyer was a bit more simple and quick with his verse I don't think it made a difference who dropped first but in no came I'll when it came to his response regardless I think destroyer took this because his verse was easier to read and I loved the twists and turns in his storyline

Aye so vote//dessie

This was a really cool battle, both had well written and interesting poems.

Des - I like the rhythm of this piece, it was easy to read and follow. You wrote to the given topic very well and I really liked the idea of the main character turning to music to find solace from a destructive home life, I can relate to that in a way although my circumstances certainly were not as extreme as the one portrayed in this piece lol I was left wanting a bit more of an explanation as to what happened and why. The piece also felt a little unresolved, maybe some sort of vindication for the character, but it ended with him just as upset and hurt as when the poem began, which I'm not saying is not a valid way to end, but I dunno, it left me wanting more. Very good piece tho, enjoyed it a lot.

Inno - Your imagery is incredible, you like to paint pictures which is why the format of a poem really suits how you write, and you painted the fuck out of this lol I felt like I was in the room watching everything unfold, seeing the people dance, the sound of the trumpets, I felt like I was in a dimly lit bar in Chicago during the late 50's lol I could smell the smoke, the clinking of glasses, it is a sign of a very good writer when you can make someone feel this way using just words. An impressive display of the talent you have as a writer, and thoroughly enjoyable. Props bro. Only criticism is one I say a lot in your pieces, SPEND MORE TIME MAKING SURE SHIT IS SPELLED CORRECTLY LMAO.


This was very close, Des proved he is no slouch as a writer and his piece was well written, well imagined, and followed the topic, my only wish was for it to be a little more well rounded, and for there to be more of a conclusion at the end. Inno's was just pure poetry man, the image he created was crystal clear, so dope.

Vote - Inno

Destroyer - First stanza is pretty dope but I'd like to see a little more refined punctuation. Beside of that you write a poem with a clear and psychologically brutal storyline. The second stanza is pretty dope imo because it's as direct as it is and it ends with that certain sting that if you can't relate to it you still understand the sorrow. The second verse was also straight forward and maybe even a little bit hostile, but I love the energy and the story as a whole. Cool shit.

Innovator - Love the first stanza and especially the first three lines, excellent opener. You as well got a certain type of energy in your poem, you can tell where it's coming from and I feel it's the way you start your stanzas that make it powerful. ''Cigar filled aroma, whiskey fueled anger'' makes the tone of the stanza and you follow it well. The only drawback is the use of ''the'' in the beginning of 4 lines in a row which is repetitive in the negative sense The last stanza starts off well with the first sentence, I love how you kept the consitency up as far as the ''opener'' to each stanza goes. You also manage to keep it consistent along with the repetitive (but positive as it feeds off the second stanza) end underlining what your character truly felt in that moment.

Vote - I felt both came off good, Destroyer with slightly more energy as far as straight to the bone and honest words go. It's a really heartfelt piece that I enjoyed to read. Innovators verse compared to Destro's I felt was a little bit more refined in a way as far as style goes. I also enjoy great punctuation and grammar which was slightly better so points to him there, but what really made me vote for Innovator is the piece as a whole. The imagery was a little bit better, the atmosphere was better altough the energy in Destro's was lethal and one-liners here and there made my vote tip in his favor. To clarify; Innovator gets my vote.

Wow des got this

U some sensitive ass niggas
Des joint really made me feel stuff

Light but deep
Inno ur shit was too thinky
Slow moving Tom Clancy murky type shit


My legs got stuck in it




Iunno

Both were good but I liked des shit

Really fit the image too

This looks fun

I think Des was more sure-footed in his writing. Inno can sure clunk through a line here and here. Inno also had some really standout lines. I enjoyed Des's piece but think he captured a story that didn't quite come alive, like it was well written but overall it didn't do much for me. I guess with that approach id want you to make the fathers character a little less 2D, I think you had a little too much closure/ emphasis hingeing on something not fully developed

Innos piece was built off of literal details/ highly relateable imagery as well, but it was also the focus of the piece so it worked much smoother. Like it set out to really show the feeling of music from a performer AND an audience aspect and recreated the atmosphere of a room and did it well

nice battle. I spent the first part of destroyers verse wondering where the connection was, but you eventually tied it together. would have liked to see the topic affect the direction of your piece more. you had some nice sections of rhyme that really made it easy to follow the story.

innovator had a more direct connection to the picture and used a lot of different types of poetic devices to tell his story. I enjoyed the read because the use of imagery made it really easy to build the scenes from this juke joint.

this is a close battle, and i liked both pieces for different reasons but i would give a slight edge to innovator. I think he made better use of the topic, which was really my only complaint with destro.

vote innovator