sapient
 

Another day of complete failure, some speech’s alien:
nothing I can bleed from my tongue seems salient.
Asleep - sapient with a keen razor wit,
I barely even dream lately it’s a fiend trading hits
in the mirror, where I notice my build’s thinner. Twist slivers
of sensimilla between the rizla before I skip dinner
and sit, bitter, with the sweet taste of irony, fire and green.
Temper thoughts till grey matter sheets change to iron, ire and steel
I can feel, or just wield
with zeal; and hope my scion recognizes its seal.
I’m tired. Tired of even trying to find what’s real
on an uneven keel worn in my gait’s patter:
carry a penchant for the most unsafe patterns of behaviour
as if natural or favourable, in a false paradigm, what’s crazier?
Not having Time to spare but to iron my paisley shirt.
I see Evil in the world, and what hurts is I may be worse
through lethargy, or something - empty efforts to be nothing
are effectively as stunting. Burn my effigy
into anything eternally disposable,
rather be forgotten than relegated to merely ‘quotable’.
I chose to kill cherished moments in view of the camera
in hopes it would undo all my illusions of candor.
I know the deal: delusions of grandeur
ensure my stupor and malady usually hang a
-round. Losing sanity, and gravity, by the pound,
I’m heavy, God, my words never weighed this much.
I’ve an old soul moulded from earth that ancients cut.
Knew amor once, now all a bitch can do is make me lust,
maybe strut, shake her butt, and take this dick in place of love.
It pays to trust but I’m broke as fuck with smoker’s lung,
my wallet is just motes of dust that got me choking up
and I don’t give enough of a fuck to not have wrote it up.

god, I must suck

cosign the suck.

nah I'll get back to this soon

Smooth

The thought process in this correlated well with the wording chosen. You have a good knack for synthesizing and infusing your prose with specific nuance. You are what the Chinese call a "metal personality", in terms of a writer's voice at least. A metal personality is akin to the ether's. However, since form arose from the great formless ether metal personalities prefer order, like judges and policeman. You structure your verse in such a way that you can finely find the most specific word to describe the emotion, or lack of that you are trying to convey therein. Metals like details, and organization.

This obviously has a very astute presentation to it. The deliverance of it is smooth, and there is this theme of desperation that ruminates and looms in it's atmosphere. There is this heaviness factor amidst the splash of melancholy. So it isn't just any type of melancholy/ regret it is one based on a weightiness that is bearing hard on your apertures, and the perception that emanates from them. In the last lines you shifted gears and started to talk about amor. A broken heart whose solution is chaos , though rarely does lust and such mend a decrepit heart. This is some of what I derived.

I enjoyed it, and it is a bit more emotionally based than what I have read from you. You usually have a more archaic coding that one has to decipher, in order to get a grander grasp, or a fuller appreciation of what is being said, and how it's being said.

In terms of commentary, I will say that the last couplets felt a bit more distorted. Although, they went with the overarching feel, they still felt misplaced for some reason. Perhaps, because they tried to embody or pinpoint the characteristics of internal and outward bitterness to a specific cause. But, in doing so you deviated from the essence of what you had developed through the beginning and middle stanzas.

Anyways,
Thank you, appreciate the read.

Midsection raw as fck

bump

as if natural or favourable, in a false paradigm, what’s crazier?
&
I see Evil in the world, and what hurts is I may be worse
^Nice.

I’ve an old soul moulded from earth that ancients cut.
Knew amor once, now all a bitch can do is make me lust,
maybe strut, shake her butt, and take this dick in place of love.
^I liked this section, too.

At about the 'wield/zeal' section the flow picked up and never slowed down. This is some cool stuff you got here, brah. I feel allot of these things you wrote about here (especially the lust section), but it's always interesting to hear the same thoughts from a different voice and perspective. This is well written stream of consciousness shit, and I dig it. Peace.

as if natural or favourable, in a false paradigm, what’s crazier?
&
I see Evil in the world, and what hurts is I may be worse
^Nice.

I’ve an old soul moulded from earth that ancients cut.
Knew amor once, now all a bitch can do is make me lust,
maybe strut, shake her butt, and take this dick in place of love.
^I liked this section, too.

At about the 'wield/zeal' section the flow picked up and never slowed down. This is some cool stuff you got here, brah. I feel allot of these things you wrote about here (especially the lust section), but it's always interesting to hear the same thoughts from a different voice and perspective. This is well written stream of consciousness shit, and I dig it. Peace.

@oats

swamped atm. this weekend, though.

apparently it's a thing to dig up really old, under-appreciated works.

haha word. legit just set a reminder on my phone to hit this when I get off work tonight. I GOT YOU.

Maybe it is.
Now, I realize that I'm not the only one guilty of what you've said above, but certainly I'm a culprit, which I will try2 explain later.
Although it Is funny how some of the things digged up 'legit have' 1 or more people expressing: "I will get to this" sentiments. Lol. Sort of legitimizes it. Been more action here the last few days, mainly due to Mr.J feeding... but maybe the digging up of olds by me&other ppl is a part of it.
I guess maybe your tone just stung me a little. Almost wanted to say "you need to get over yourself bro." Maybe I just need thicker skin.
Few things:
1) You're dope at writing. Noice flow
Recently I loved the end of a line you had on the cypher that read you're deep. got it. don't sleep on it.
Whole verse was cool tbh
2) rather be forgotten than relegated to merely ‘quotable’.
This line from this here oldass piece is cool. Resonates with me personally because I'm a weird cat who'd really take a lot of pride in being merely quotable.
3)I don't Need to defend a couple diggings I've done. But I wanna--
I)OK 1 was where I felt like I "tried" to give high-level criticism-- on an older feed-post of mine-- less ineptly than I would have wanted to.. I realize ppl have thick skin, but perhaps I had a few pangs of guilt that I did not make it clear that the piece was written very well before going into analysis/critique.
II)Regarding my ongoing back&forth "works" with @emcee no one cares:
First of all, at least when it was bumped it's some decent rhyming, as opposed to ppl just typing a "." for a bump. Was not dug up for "other people" necessarily (although I appreciate readership)...it's simply "where the thing happens." When I was a younger pup here I truly did not know people could "create a thread" in freewrite area. For some reason I assumed they were all standard built-in cypher threads. So I created it in the Open Mic area... to this day I actually WANT a mod to close that thread, or preferably move it to the freewrite if there's any possible way to do that.
III)A third dig of mine simply had to be done. An epiphany of sorts regarding Tinder which I just want other people to understand or appreciate. It is the elusive key which opens the door between prose and rap.. However good ANY classic/top-notch works here have been done. This is different &I've never seen a scheme so crazyGood.. I've written, and read other writers, for years and years. So I suppose, just as You have to get over yourself, I have to get over myself as well-- since I say things like: If I have an epiphany about something you better believe it's big fucking deal. lol, Anyway I really don't mean you hostility here. Just wanted to say some chit so take it for what it's worth.

This deserved a lot more feed than it has received,
a majority of the wording is set up so precise that its given me the urge to focus
As I was reading I had to stop and scroll down to mention this part...

I’m tired. Tired of even trying to find what’s real
on an uneven keel worn in my gait’s patter:
carry a penchant for the most unsafe patterns of behaviour
as if natural or favourable, in a false paradigm, what’s crazier?
Not having Time to spare but to iron my paisley shirt.
I see Evil in the world, and what hurts is I may be worse
^^^^

Seeing something like this around these parts gives me hope for the OM
its rare to see such a wide array of thoughts tossed together in such a compact piece
I dont know how I missed this but I really enjoyed how you put this out there
the ending really improves the impact of the piece & I literally lold at your following comment
that moment where I the strutting butt came into play kind of threw me off
but this whole piece was flames...heres another bump

I really liked the vocabulary employed in this, it made for some very interesting content. Your train of thoughts in this are terrific, the way you lined them up one after each other contributed well in creating terrific imagery, such as the "quotable" line. Another highlight was the intelligence behind your diction. A very great and smooth read overall.

Word. Reread this cause ...well. just cause.
shit was bonkers. Syllable schemes were nuts. Had so.e vicious lines allover the place. u should post more man

dope multis, but not enough punches or wordplay tbh. I feel like hyphenating the rhymes would really improve it, too.

other than those points, though:

I thought this was really dope, in an almost stream of consciousness kind of way. What I mean is, and forgive me my projection, this felt like a very generational piece. The thirst for greatness that is known to be real but elusive to capture, the battles between ambition and laziness, the undercurrent of defeatism. I fucked with this on several different levels, not the least of which is the airtight writing. A few of my favorite lines:

I barely even dream lately it’s a fiend trading hits

through lethargy, or something - empty efforts to be nothing

^^just the latter phrasing of lethargy being an "effort to be nothing" really hit home for me. It's simple and true and crushingly so. Reminds me of Kanye saying "for me giving up is way harder than trying," which is a sentiment I nod my head to but can't relate to in the least.

Of course the "quotable" line is deserving of the love it's getting, though it is a bit ironic to quote a line that says I'd rather be forgotten than simply quotable. Purgatory, in a poetic sense, seems a lot worse than the intensity of hellfire.

I loved the closing line, because I think it was a clever way to pull the carpet from underneath the rest of the prior emotions. Writing is a weird hobby/passion to have. On the one hand, especially with computers and the like, it's the go-to mechanism for basic bullshit and transactional interactions. On the other, it's a hallowed art that probably best captures immortality, since words have no aesthetic that can visually erode. Though you may have worded it just to make the ending rhyme better, I tend to think the flip was intentional. Writing as an act is so ingrained that if something was truly important, it wouldn't be thrown into a verse (you post on NC). The parenthesized part may or may not have anything to do with it. Either way, I think it spoke to the longstanding tension of being an artist vs. making art. It's useless in almost every "real" way, but in terms of the deeper connotations of humanity, art is kind of the only important work there is.

Anyway, sorry it took so long to get to this, I've read it more times than I can count at this point, just never stuck around to type everything out. It was dope.

Another day of complete failure, some speech’s alien:
nothing I can bleed from my tongue seems salient.
Asleep - sapient with a keen razor wit,
I barely even dream lately it’s a fiend trading hits
in the mirror, where I notice my build’s thinner. Twist slivers
of sensimilla between the rizla before I skip dinner

^exellent intro. instantly caught my attention. very technical, yet came across effortless. Can't remember the last time i heard "rizla" used anywhere.

and sit, bitter, with the sweet taste of irony, fire and green.
Temper thoughts till grey matter sheets change to iron, ire and steel
I can feel, or just wield
with zeal; and hope my scion recognizes its seal.
I’m tired. Tired of even trying to find what’s real

^dope...

rather be forgotten than relegated to merely ‘quotable’.

^felt..

I chose to kill cherished moments in view of the camera
in hopes it would undo all my illusions of candor.
I know the deal: delusions of grandeur
ensure my stupor and malady usually hang a..

^that was a fire run right there. rhymes, flow, well writ.
I appreciate how you switched [grandeur] with candor, and then in the very next line came back with grandeur. It shows that u make effort to not be preditable. I thought that was slick.


dope piece.
respect

Why Esméralda?