Netcees - DEADMAN: Clockwork Cortisol

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DEADMAN: Clockwork Cortisol

-

it's a quarter to soon
she'll be here at now to torture me blue. orange and maroon,
oozing warmer than strudel in a porcelain spoon
be immortal as you. imagine dragons, oracles too
as the forest resumed, forage for food, with night vision
but drew a Blanc like cork & a screw. black/white zinfandel
Marine machine. the Infidel, the Corps is a suit
like aces high when rivers die to quench a fortunate few
write, regurgitate these words. iAm Lord of the puke
help her gag reflex, relax like a gorgeous masseuse
meta-morphine abuse, pain damager, Kevorkian knew
that death is love. theory's incomplete before execution
it's more than the truth. fuck i'm ignorant, ignore me, rebuke
it's these narcissistic tendencies that force me to use
metaphors or a slew of linear coordinate cues
to reorient the normative views, rhyme orbital loops
around disorder to prove there's nothing formula-proof
corporate pursuits, money ordering troops. private exchanges
illuminate the Serpent's eyes like diamond engagements
silver knuckles certified, Michael tyson in paper print
ideas ancient as Iliad. Iller than all your top 5 Homer-sapiens
Divine Anglican, angel wings are depictions of vultures
feeding on the corpse of our derivative culture
Ultra-violation, cyberspace invented to hibernate
how can we connect if our intention's to isolate?
it's how we operate. adaptive psychophysical ratios
reacting to that shit on the radio. shifting endlessly,
it only takes a moment of anger to distance empathy
or a bullet wound to confiscate a lick of integrity.
in this second, i'm happier than i'll ever be, intentionally
but only because nobody will remember me .. i'm sorry
thankful for the memories. the endorphins accrued
but i'm stuck inside the cortisol blues, torturing you
cause it's a quarter to soon.
the time is NOW, make your amends -
chain yourself to almost, stop, and wait for the then.

DEADMAN

This:

it's more than the truth. fuck i'm ignorant, ignore me, rebuke
it's these narcissistic tendencies that force me to use
metaphors or a slew of linear coordinate cues
to reorient the normative views, rhyme orbital loops
around disorder to prove there's nothing formula-proof

And the moment of anger/empathy line

Are why I always enjoy reading your verses. This one had all cylinders firing with intelligent rhymes, thought-provoking metaphors and imagery, and clever turns of phrases and wordplay. Highly re-readable.

metaphors or a slew of linear coordinate cues
to reorient the normative views, rhyme orbital loops
around disorder to prove there's nothing formula-proof
corporate pursuits, money ordering troops. private exchanges
illuminate the Serpent's eyes like diamond engagements
silver knuckles certified, Michael tyson in paper print
ideas ancient as Iliad. Iller than all your top 5 Homer-sapiens

^^^^^dope shit

this was a great show of flow usage as well as rhyming technique
seemed very fluid to me, the vibe was on point, that popping some sly shit shit...
very nice work in my eyes my dude, really can't critique a sick piece
keep writing

Black hasn't lost his touch, eh? I dug the multis, they were sick. I also liked how the rhyme scheme skipped around there for a second, it threw it off just right to keep you from getting lost in it. You had some super quotable lines, but I think the first dude to critique this beat me to the punch. Last comment: it seems you toned down a bit on the braggadocio. Its refreshing, and it really makes your skill level stand out that much more. It makes me want to get back into this sort of thing, but I don't know if I could put something together of this caliber anymore, lol.

Anyway, awesome job.

oats d.r. 7/10 u can ride better

black verse 9.5/10 good job nigga

would agree that you slayed the part Paul Oatsenfield quoted

write, regurgitate these words. iAm Lord of the puke
help her gag reflex, relax like a gorgeous masseuse
meta-morphine abuse, pain damager, Kevorkian knew
that death is love. theory's incomplete before execution

really love how you let some of these ideas hang, instead of expounding on em.
let em eat cake.

Idk much about cortisol. But it seems to affect the formation/ retrieval of memories? Perhaps this embodies the parallels between preparing to Visit someone, and how that Event exists on so many conceptual planes

Like. "Rhyme orbital loops" seems to me to be key, like you're seeking to illustrate how depictions of things mean something before they're committed to paper, as they're being organized before print, how they mean on a whole years later// to individuals

This proves true in your telling of your visitation... Before it happens, as it happens, afterwards and in reflection, it's something very real even though its hidden under layers of interpretation// perception

Seems cyclical, but is actually linear. Sadly unidirectional.

You leave such a complicated picture it is hard to perceive less than many interpretations

But I like to think this is about our commitment to memory

loved this piece, Mr. Predeceased

This was a good display all around. I'm going to give this a more detailed analysis if you don't mind.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dead man (Post 121386)

-

it's a quarter to soon
she'll be here at now to torture me blue. orange and maroon,
oozing warmer than strudel in a porcelain spoon
be immortal as you. imagine dragons, oracles too
as the forest resumed, forage for food,

This was an excellent opener and brought the verse into imagery with colorful. The interest also sparks with the quick intro of the girl. The dragons and oracles line was a lil far fetched, but i still liked it.

with night vision
but drew a Blanc like cork & a screw. black/white zinfandel
Marine machine. the Infidel, the Corps is a suit
like aces high when rivers die to quench a fortunate few
write, regurgitate these words. iAm Lord of the puke
help her gag reflex, relax like a gorgeous masseuse

the story opens up here with developing the main character and he's portrayed as a somewhat abusive and arrogant guy who's mad at life.... like all of us. The flow was really smooth..

meta-morphine abuse, pain damager, Kevorkian knew
that death is love. theory's incomplete before execution
it's more than the truth. fuck i'm ignorant, ignore me, rebuke
it's these narcissistic tendencies that force me to use
metaphors or a slew of linear coordinate cues
to reorient the normative views, rhyme orbital loops
around disorder to prove there's nothing formula-proof

This entire section was dope... I thought this was gonna be a story in the start of the narration, but it turned out to be more topically abstract and I'm still impressed with the each section. The character of a narcissist is really opened up here, but not in an over the top way.

corporate pursuits, money ordering troops. private exchanges
illuminate the Serpent's eyes like diamond engagements
silver knuckles certified, Michael tyson in paper print
ideas ancient as Iliad. Iller than all your top 5 Homer-sapiens
Divine Anglican, angel wings are depictions of vultures
feeding on the corpse of our derivative culture

This section was more of the usual type of critique displaced towards hating commercialism and capitalism. The flow and details are there.. it's just kind of a stale subject matter to me.

Ultra-violation, cyberspace invented to hibernate
how can we connect if our intention's to isolate?
it's how we operate. adaptive psychophysical ratios
reacting to that shit on the radio.

I was feeling this as I imagine some kid with ear buds and playing a PSP or something. Its a point that's been made, but I like how you put it. Made it a lil more factual/scientific instead of just opinion.

shifting endlessly,
it only takes a moment of anger to distance empathy
or a bullet wound to confiscate a lick of integrity.
in this second, i'm happier than i'll ever be, intentionally

Accidental happiness being the highlight and it only lasts for a brief second. Very depressing, but also a realistic portrayal in the developed character. The depressing tone of the character seems to hit the highest joy he's gonna reach ever

but only because nobody will remember me .. i'm sorry
thankful for the memories. the endorphins accrued
but i'm stuck inside the cortisol blues, torturing you
cause it's a quarter to soon.
the time is NOW, make your amends -
chain yourself to almost, stop, and wait for the then.

Kind of open ended ending... not really too much to say about it.. would of liked if the character something OCD like. he seemed to be over focused on things and that would of been a good point to display more towards the end I thought. I really liked this though

DEADMAN

I think that sums it up

Cortisol is a stress hormone @Split. Sincerest thanks for the reads you guys.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dead man (Post 121386)

it's more than the truth. fuck i'm ignorant, ignore me, rebuke

Fatality.

Jesus Christ, Such an ellaborate piece. So imaginatively intellegent and every.....single.....syllable.....matches....perfe ctly. Fuckin Moster

Read the whole thing. I feel like my 10th grade english teacher could do a class in this piece an have us try to understand what it means.

Then again that was the last year i had an english teacher...so....maybe im not as smart as u guys.

Intricate rhyme schemes. Prolly first shit i finished reading in a while. Cool job guy.

i was happier than i wrote this verse

not that it shows

really dope, dead. i'm not gonna break it all down, ur far beyond needing to know any shit like that. great read. consistently dropping extremely high quality shit, one of the best hands down. stay humble tho lol

i have no idea but have u ever attempted audio?? do you ever care to try it if you havent?? would be interesting to see if u have i'de love to take a listen, and if u haven't you should to see what happens

From vultures to sympathy just spin kicked the mustache off my face.

gonna up this verse so bags can give it to his 10th grade english teacher