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Galactic Fractals
http://farm1.staticflickr.com/119/31...34ba4b4003.jpg Galactic Fractals I close my eyes imagining a photo of the planet spinning, no control of travel on the globe of our inhabitance I channel in on fractions of the matter that fufills our needs The spectacle of mesophyll perfected in acrylic green The vessels like plastocyanin evoked within your will to breathe The leaves are pointing to the distant wisdom of the crimson beams They grow and leave their soul beneath them lonely in an oval seed The sun begun to glow, recede, re-show in even spoken sequence Lighting up the seedlings breaching seasons coldest snow with ease Eyelids both are folding even holding while I pull the screen See loads of trees all growing freely, meeting up with roads mid-east Build against opponents for the filth the sinners know they breathe And then my field of vision zones to a capillary of streets Before I backstep my perspective and inspect the risen regions It's a scene of shock and awe, it's such serene deposit, green and aqua Sheet of rock beneath the fauna, even under deepest waters Seen beyond the edges of the reaches, leavings hesitant Each palm extending endlessly, terrestrial appendages Blemished ridden blackness, it's a flame of gas and blending in... Since darks the greatest purgatory, fading past obscurity, The world which I yearn to see is buried for eternity It worsens seeing nothingness forever, is there purpose left? Not sure, I step on certain treasures lurking in the furthest depths Next I turn my mind and find each of the lessons learnt dimensionally Turbulence a testament that swirls on connecting as a merger to a nebula It's blurring what's ahead of us... Separate the vapor gate and pave the cosmic bed of dust I cannot touch the hydrogen so wisely tread on, head of lust Which trusts the comics nucleus, forever shooting spreading luck Erupting more in balance with a storms axis when it's normal Subtract the lack of mor-tality As the spores adorn happily and form a dwarf galaxy My past beliefs irrelevant and seldom seen, pathetic now I then ascend forever till I enter the magnetic cloud Reversing my polarity now northern spin reflects the south I now surround the macro, have the educated entrance found Center of my head aroused, a higher life from dead focus The sky, now white, is bent folding tight to multiply And conjure life, golden eye'd divine focus Opens in the right moment, grow, dividing, mitosis Grow into a cell which folds as well so exponentially Then sprouts into a seed which will be seen and known symmetrically Endless. |
hmm..
@Vulgar dude Nig you are like a canadian version of vulgar. i cannot read ur verses without it reminding me of him. same type of content, same type of vocab. similar styles of writing... usually quite long. on some other other other shit that i can't even begin to understand lol.. one thing u have goin for u nig is that u don't have these obscene references that nobody knows.. u usually keep it at a level thats understandable where my boy vulgar just goes off in his own world and i literally have no idea what he's talking about. Anyways, and ive said this over and over, this just ain't my cup of tea. this scheming and smoothness i can REALLY appreciate. but further than that i just don't care enough about the picture to give a shit what u wrote about it.. lol, u know?? planets and whatnot... just not my shit. so yeah. normally why i DON'T feed u cause i don't want to bring down ur thread dude. u know i respect ur shit, and its dope u can even DO a topical like this but yeah i just can't relate,, ya dig? nonetheless the actual technical aspect of this was off the charts.. something u should be known for by now. very polished, very smooth, yet its done with complex schemes and vocab. so yeah standard outstanding shit from u on that end. hop in the cypher section sometimes bro its fun and theres lots a good shit in there |
I sort of agree with CopyPat on not quite feeling this verse. The writing was lovely, the schemes were technically sound and the progression was logical. But the topic never grabbed me. For one, I have no interest in space. But I think your metaphorical details mixed with scientific knowledge just didn't mesh perfectly with me. Maybe if it had been a little shorter or a little more direct I would have liked it more. Basically, this is the type of verse that showcases your writing ability (which, yes, certainly is above average, regardless of what others might say), but it didn't go beyond that for me.
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This was mathematical, and excellent. You dropped knowledge. I liked this right here
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Thanks for the feed gentlemen.
Elevate |
you write nothing like vulg imo tho, lol. that doesn't have to be a bad thing. i have a similar opinion insofar as this verse failed to 'grab me', but i wouldn't say i didn't enjoy it. i respect that you attempted something... overarching. you have a decent vocabulary which contributed to some appreciably smooth segments, though similarly, there were times when your... idk, syntactical arrangement(!?) made the read quite a rough one. the imagery, for the most part, boasted enough potency to create an effective impression... your progress was fairly linear, you could say the aesthetic of your verse echoes the somewhat bland taste i was left with at the end of this verse. it seemed relatively safe, unambitious, formulaic... which might seem unfair given your choice in content. i'm unsure if there is an overtone )or ten( that i've missed, but i feel like i've encountered a writer who could do a lot more with what he has. utilize.
by no means a bad verse, just to clarify. pz. |
@Nigma this was sick. I feel like your wording is 90% there, then you will really be firing on all cylinders. Personal opinions on your progression aside, you performed hella good here. I'll quote what I liked..
I close my eyes imagining a photo of the planet spinning, no control of travel on the globe of our inhabitance I channel in on fractions of the matter that fufills our needs The spectacle of mesophyll perfected in acrylic green The vessels like plastocyanin evoked within your will to breathe The leaves are pointing to the distant wisdom of the crimson beams ^Powerful way to open. Heavy handed storytelling. Last line was very creative. It's a scene of shock and awe, it's such serene deposit, green and aqua Sheet of rock beneath the fauna, even under deepest waters Seen beyond the edges of the reaches, leavings hesitant Each palm extending endlessly, terrestrial appendages ^Your syllable count was notably on point throughout this piece, no doubt as a result from your meticulous attention towards pacing. Turbulence a testament that swirls on connecting as a merger to a nebula It's blurring what's ahead of us... Separate the vapor gate and pave the cosmic bed of dust I cannot touch the hydrogen so wisely tread on, head of lust ^Wasn't feeling the last line of this segment. The rest was fresh. Subtract the lack of mor-tality As the spores adorn happily and form a dwarf galaxy My past beliefs irrelevant and seldom seen, pathetic now I then ascend forever till I enter the magnetic cloud ^Butter. You are doing well, jedi. Keep doing you. |
the imagery in this was powerful. it started very strong with fire flow and drawing a scene that had me traveling on the stars. it lost some of that power, but this was still s great way to use an intellectual subject. topics like astronomy have been used to access universal knowledge and you shouted some of that here. very descriptive and s nice choice of words throughout, which made it a smooth and enjoyable read
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I'll hit this up in the mornin' (my time) as I read it quickly yet Ima 'bout to log offwards. |
I know we had whatever differences in the league, but this was the pretty nice. Narration had a strong tone and intelligent flow to back it up. I liked the begging with the visual wording you chose and it made it appealing to keep reading and before I knew it, I was at the end..
Turbulence a testament that swirls on connecting as a merger to a nebula It's blurring what's ahead of us... Separate the vapor gate and pave the cosmic bed of dust I cannot touch the hydrogen so wisely tread on, head of lust Which trusts the comics nucleus, forever shooting spreading luck that was particularly well worded |
uP
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