We're all dying, anyway.
 

I'm a machete-wound tourniquet with the petty, rude earnestness
of heavy-boobed surrogates who envy dudes' perkiness.
Close my clip out. Steady, true, murderous. Frozen pin bout.
Heavens' blue firmaments holding Poland Spring's spout.
Exploded ink fount. Called to write my passages over rig towns
Walter White nefarious. Sober wig out in coffin-sized chariots.
Close my clip out. Altar rites. Marry us. Halter-bride fairy dust.
Broken-wing angels often fly clear of us. Joker ring, mangled.
Votive Spring candle. Only thing handled was hoping she'd cancel.

I'm a faceless shadow of death. Escape the cattle call.
Vexed, strafe with paddles. Incest. Change the battle log.
Crescent-moon habitual. Death and gloom, the visual.
Press it smooth. Best refuse metal tools for victuals.
Urbane elitist tested through the rituals but remained a deist.
Strange completeness strained the preachers, Cobain and Seacrest.
Cannon-fodder byproducts spray the bleachers. God'll try profit
but stain his T-shirt with the logo of ample-bodied sly foxes.
Trample hotties. Rhinoc'ros. Sands. Mogavi. Time Cop.
Cigarette-burnt fingertips. Lift the dead bird, Icharus.
Bigger heads burn quicker. Slip the sick their meds. Turn into us.

Okay. this flowed real cool. A lot like "Juice" by Chance in my head, I dunno. Almost syncopated, but just because they were slanty multis and had some consonance mixed it.

Kinda weirdly complex. Like intellectuflexing. Taking phrases and building them up for the sake of building them up.

why did you use "close my clip out" twice? not actually asking, just that part was lost to me

I liked the way you described a typical wedding from a dismal perspective. like that Goosebumps book where the kid found a camera, that takes pictures and prints everything living dead, then that shit dies

Did not like battle log

that last line BODIED.


interesting verse. you showed that you can stick to a scheme really, really well. Liked the abstract imagery's creativity but a lot of it was too dense and I got a lil lost.

like. the diction was top notch. the wording was very unique, very vivid, but not necessarily lucid.

so many pictures, I just didnt find the thread connecting them all, or the collage they were trying to assemble and portray. the theme of "death pervades" was cool and contrasted a few lines at the start, but complicated into something that was dope that i didnt really graps all the facets of


as a rhyming freewrite, this was a dope exercise. digged your flexability. But I really enjoyed your loose, ebbing sentence flow more. too. many. full. stops.

Good shit.
EDIT: More than I'd like went over my head ://

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNA-4tnM_xY

To the kids.

Wailed the sirens to the board with a dignified crow, "I'm here and I can wield the pitchfork too!"

Close my clip out. Steady, true, murderous. Frozen pin bout.
Heavens' blue firmaments holding Poland Spring's spout.
^lol very milk factory. Good rural city visuals.

Crescent-moon habitual. Death and gloom, the visual.
Press it smooth. Best refuse metal tools for victuals.
^Filthy because you blended it right. Never heard the word victuals before either until now.

This was a fun flex, seems like you could pump these out like shotgun shells at an Armenian card game. Flamingos overhead. Hammerheads below. Black helicopter harvest.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rkEpDM1LBYQ

Keep doing you

Very dope.

Thanks, all. This was very much a writing experiment for me, so I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Very well executed especially since it's not a style you have the most confidence with. I really works for you and I hope you integrate it into your writing. Very very nice rhyme scheme, high level of complexity, impressively unexpected, and yet another compliment being your vivid imagery. You worded small phrases in a way that painted memorable moments in my stoned cranial cavity. Was a great, above average read, interesting blend of themes. Had flex areas however deep extended metaphors sort of gave it a storytelling vibe. Good read though, you're working yourself into a niche around here with these nice OM drops.

I liked the flow,enjoyed the smooth transitions which is important on wordy pieces, u had some solid lines throughout, my fave section was the ending of the first segment, appealing to me anyway

Solid drop

nice man. really cool style. i like that u just tried some messing around with schemes, i absolutely love readin shit like this haha. intese schemes are my favourite shit. just awesome. only part i didnt dig was the last 2 bars basically.. just felt a little too stretched by the end, also didn't get some of the references so that didn't help. i love the way u drop man. been quicky skimming them on my phone. will proper feed a few here now