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-   -   GWL WK1: Witty vs Bodey [BODEY WINS] (http://netcees.org/showthread.php?t=142328)

Diablo 03-08-2020 11:32 AM

GWL WK1: Witty vs Bodey [BODEY WINS]
 
https://i.ibb.co/tXky91q/CBC664-C1-F...-CDDACB9-C.jpg
GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE


GTL WK1: @Witty vs @Bodey

30 lines max.
Check-in due Wednesday UK time. Verses due Friday.

Topic:

https://i.ibb.co/cC1W8WC/13-C71-B68-...ED74-F7047.jpg

dull boy 03-08-2020 01:59 PM

These topic picks are dope @Diablo

Witty 03-08-2020 05:13 PM

Hi.

Bodey 03-08-2020 10:52 PM

Hello

Bodey 03-13-2020 02:31 PM

would i be able to get an extension to like 3am saturday? i have to close bar tonight and wont be home til around midnight

Diablo 03-13-2020 04:29 PM

NO.

Diablo 03-13-2020 04:29 PM

I mean okay. @Witty

Witty 03-13-2020 11:31 PM

Sure.

Bodey 03-14-2020 02:14 AM

fourth period. bathroom stall.
nasty words etched upon each wall
eyeliner starts to smudge, but i dont care
fuck them all.
i leave it there. who knows who else had seen it.
they wont mean shit to me next year, so fuck em
so be it

***

adolescence is an ugly slimy monster with black eyes
it's crept with me like a shadow and disappears at sunrise
but i dont notice. i dont even think it's still there
cuz i'm no longer that flat-chested ghostface slouched in her chair
my pain has been cropped to feeds, please give me a big like
full name with a plot, a dream, a couple faces from real life
that crank of a slot machine is the same as a quick swipe
i'm too cute, so block her. i'm the one you want, i'm hungry
i'm about to win an Oscar for this garbage like a junkie
i champed this validation game, i'm too skilled to scrimmage
i claim to be the realest though i sport a filtered image
salivatin for an empty "like", i need a fun type man
instead of waking up and realizin they were one night Stans
Snapchat just had sex with Facebook and got high off an Instagram
i just wanted to show everyone how goddamn important i am
and now i see old bullies with new family, standing happy with their groom
i scroll their page to investigate, their last post was back in June
their lives are probly too miserable to expose their fake ass truth
as i sit inside a studio apartment, with just this screen to light the room

Objective 03-16-2020 12:35 AM

Opener is dope and sets the tone, simplistic but does what it needs to with internals. I like the *** as a break/time passes, nice detail.

Good start to the piece as a whole and the first 4 bars in the main verse paints a great picture and lets us get to know the main character.

my pain has been cropped to feeds, please give me a big like
full name with a plot, a dream, a couple faces from real life
that crank of a slot machine is the same as a quick swipe
^This was especially dope to me. I haven't read anything by you in ages and I can tell you've upped your pen game since last time I read anything from you. (I won't count audios for this sort of style as they're vastly different but ye, this is defo some good shit.)

i'm too cute, so block her. i'm the one you want, i'm hungry
i'm about to win an Oscar for this garbage like a junkie
^Flow has been really good up until this point. I like the switch up in flow and style but it happened a bit too abrupt for me. I feel like an internal or two to connect with the previous bar somehow would have done wonders to help with the transition. It's a cool couplet but feel it stands out as a sore thumb as opposed to the rest of your verse which were smoother to me.

lol @ one night Stans.

Snapchat just had sex with Facebook and got high off an Instagram
i just wanted to show everyone how goddamn important i am
^Word, some great commentary on social media right there.

their lives are probly too miserable to expose their fake ass truth
as i sit inside a studio apartment, with just this screen to light the room
^Great closure to wrap it up. Depression is a bitch and I can see how this piece and this sort of thinking have gotten into the minds of many. Specially if they feel a bit entitled from before, and seeing that others are moving on can be tough on some.

Overall great solid piece, sucks that Witty didn't show. Solid drop overall, enjoyed the read. Good luck in upcoming battles.

Pharaohs Army 03-16-2020 09:07 PM

Good stuff bodey.

And when I say good I mean, like, deep.

This verse comes off as self-loathing to me. I don't know if that was your intention but that's how I read it. My only advice would be don't get pigeonholed into one kind of "voice".

When Witty shows he's shown he has the ability to champ leagues. So it's unfortunate that he no-shows.

Bodey 03-16-2020 11:38 PM

Thx guys. But don’t give it so much credit. It was very rushed, and the ideas weren’t fully developed but I wanted to get it posted in time so I pressed send on something I wasn’t really finished with. I too was looking forward to @Witty ‘s verse

dead man 03-17-2020 10:58 PM

really liked your take on it bodey. it was straight forward, well written and well fleshed enough to carry your idea without becoming stagnant. the beginning framed the larger portion effectively.

i do get that it may have been a bit rushed, but thats ok. thats the spirit of competition sometimes.

Adverse 03-18-2020 12:24 AM

Good verse Bodey, not going to keep on saying what's been said don't want to get repetitive. I enjoyed it and also enjoyed what felt like a rollercoaster of a piece shifting between periods of confidence and self loathing and other emotions thought it painted a decent picture of modern adolescence.

Exis 03-18-2020 09:02 PM

This was nice...Like Objective said your opener was tight & really did set the tone, not tryna echo previous comments but it did...I think @ times you really don't give yourself enough credit, as you can definitely write...I know you say it was rushed & in places I see that, I rush everythin' & my shit don't turn out this good 99% of the time lol...Enjoyable read my friend.


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