PLAYOFFS ROUND ONE: #4 OBJECTIVE vs #12 SINACOG OPEN FOR VOTES OBJECTIVE ADVANCES
 

AOWL Season IX PLAYOFFS ROUND ONE

@Objective @Sinacog

Verse Due: SUNDAY MARCH 7th @ 11:59 PM EST


Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules:http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=145451[/b]

Topic:
https://i.ibb.co/qmvgXyQ/2-EB3-C246-...C047-E0-C5.jpg

GOOD LUCK

In the green plains were stars born; stars scorn -- stars scorn --
STARS SCORN -- STARS SCORN -- STARS BORN -- STARS BORN --
I am stars scorn -- STARS BORN -- I am born from a red PLANET
I am red planet -- RED PLANET -- BLUE/BLEW planet -- BLUE/BLEW PLANET
I am the OMNIFCIENT ZING! I had sex with woman in the zing!
I am spring; the green grassy hills of the conundrum gallows of HELL..
For I am a STARS SCORN -- STARS SCORN -- I am the malevolent HORNS
BENEVOLENT HORNS -- settle the score with metal swords
I am the DECIETFUL SER PINT -- the serpent of EAZEN
The snake of eden; appeasing the WINTER SEASON
I am the conundrum GALLOWS OF HELL: VAIN COMPEL
THE GREEN MALAISE WAS THE HAZE FOR THE CONUNDRUM GALLOWS OF HELL..

@Objective

I'm here, can I get an EXT till tomorrow? I suddenly got busy tonight, thought I'd be free!

It isn’t due until Sunday night man if you need an extension beyond that just let me know

I think I have to do that. Didn't get this night free either after all. A friend is going through some shit, about to meet him soon. Not sure how long it'll be

Edit: here in a sec, apologies! Hectic week :/

Raised to be driven by the wind

The bridge between the mountain peaks
meet seasons with astounding breeze.
Each year is fleeting by so calmly here,
no pain or fear...
Just time, the sky and our atmosphere.

Hours clocking freedom moves
for Beth with sassy dancing shoes.
She tip toes lightly at the centre stage,
no right or wrong for her playful drake.
The balance of the shifting wind
is filled with tension
(it's even drifting filth within)
A rift! A tear! The descent appears
to leave behind her smiles ascension.
She reels it in with quick and simple taps,
but the rope start twitching, then it snaps!

Funny just how life appears
to be so safe, and soft and sound,
when any trip or push and scare
could take her to the grassy ground.

The drake that once was windy love
is now found somewhere down below.
She ran home to her fathers grace
whom told her of the better days.
Then crafted her a new to use,
that works with force and mild abuse.

Now;
See her glide through seasons with astounding breeze,
with drake in hand at the bridge between the mountain peaks.

In a battle where all Objective had to do was show up to secure a win, he almost failed doing so. I’m glad you showed and did your thing.

Sinacog:
Gibberish as always my good sir, would have given you points if Transformers character Starscream made an appearance during the star born/star scorn segment, but alas it wasn’t so. The blue/blew wordplay was horrific. Another solid attempt at scarring is all deeply and writing the handbook on what not to write in a topical battle. Thanks for participating though we couldn’t have had 16 without you.

Objective:
Liked the style you displayed here (though the rhyme scheme was a little hard to catch sometimes, I believe that had to do with the poetic structure of the piece) thought this flowed sort of whimsically, like the breeze you were describing, though the story wasn’t heavy on details and was a little all over the place I understand it was a key, and also your opponent was Coggy sooooo. But I think you know you need to buckle down more for a battle against a credible opponent, still liked this bit here

Funny just how life appears
to be so safe, and soft and sound,
when any trip or push and scare
could take her to the grassy ground.

In a shocking turn of events Objective wins comfortably here

V/Objective

Vote - objective

Sinacog - I don't get your style. It feels drugged out half asleep free styling in the back corner of a 20 person rave, and I know that comes off a little harsh maybe but that's just the vibe I'm picking up. If this is you, then keep doing it, but keep in mind even people like @2tripple0 can beat you in topicals. that said, I see (obscurely) how you tied to the topic.

Objective - Good opening, felt sloppy middle and ending. I like the simple image, ties to topic. a little vibe here and there ("could take her to the grassy ground") felt nice, kept it simple but opened it up to deeper thoughts.

mvgt Objective

Sinacog
Right.

Objective
I like this intro. It's visual and poetic with a drop of serenity.

You had me all the way up until the word "drake" appeared. But perhaps it's a British thing, slang or otherwise? At this point I'm unsure. Or Perhaps I'm ignorant to its literal definition? But the only "Drake" I'm familiar is the one that raps. And as far as alternate and archaic meanings go, a "drake" is a male duck, dragon, or serpent. Are you suggesting that her kite string is a serpent? If so I could see that. Although, if that's the case, the wording could still be less ambiguous. However, if that's not the case, then I have no idea why you included it where you did. In any regard, the first 3 lines were butter.

I love the flow and phonic rhythm here. When read aloud it's easy to get a clear sense of the meter, while admiring how effortlessly it's sways back and forth, like a pendulum. Very measured, skillfully crafted, and naturally delivered. I dig it.

This is reads like a classic bedtime story that is intended to teach a moral or a lesson to a small child. Not quite my cup of tea. But for what it is I can dig it . Also, what is a "drake"??? I'm dying to know.

First word that comes to mind: DOPE! I like how it ended.

Overall, I thought this was a good drop. The story in and of itself was kind subtle. No real frills, excitement or twist. Just lots of poetry and well crafted rhyme schemes. It's was entertaining and worthy of the nod. Vote: Objective

[QUOTE=Sinacog;801275]In the green plains were stars born; stars scorn -- stars scorn --
STARS SCORN -- STARS SCORN -- STARS BORN -- STARS BORN --
I am stars scorn -- STARS BORN -- I am born from a red PLANET
I am red planet -- RED PLANET -- BLUE/BLEW planet -- BLUE/BLEW PLANET


I’ve noticed you repeating the themes / wordplay a lot recently. Sin feeling himself lately on some interplanetary shit. Dope. I fuck with it more than all these other guys. The celestial body bodying opponents because he’s out of this word. Feeling the higher astral plane you’re on and it’s a welcome change from the religious undertones in your most recent work.

I am the OMNIFCIENT ZING! I had sex with woman in the zing!

Did you mean ass here, you fucked her in the ass? If so, good one. Buttsex FTW.

I am spring; the green grassy hills of the conundrum gallows of HELL..

Nice contrast here and good misdirection used. Green grassy hills of... THE GALLOWS OF HELL! I liked it.

For I am a STARS SCORN -- STARS SCORN -- I am the malevolent HORNS
BENEVOLENT HORNS -- settle the score with metal swords

The final hanging multi was a nice touch, kept me on edge as the scheme transformed.

I am the DECIETFUL SER PINT -- the serpent of EAZEN
The snake of eden; appeasing the WINTER SEASON
I am the conundrum GALLOWS OF HELL: VAIN COMPEL
THE GREEN MALAISE WAS THE HAZE FOR THE CONUNDRUM GALLOWS OF HELL..

Cool tie-in back to the beginning of the verse from a thematic POV.

[QUOTE=Objective;801699]Raised to be driven by the wind

The bridge between the mountain peaks
meet seasons with astounding breeze.
Each year is fleeting by so calmly here,
no pain or fear...
Just time, the sky and our atmosphere.


I liked this actually, opening lines were remarkably compact while still doing a lot within the framework.

Hours clocking freedom moves


Great description is just four lines.


for Beth with sassy dancing shoes.
She tip toes lightly at the centre stage,
no right or wrong for her playful drake.
The balance of the shifting wind

Again here, I’m a fan of the imagery you’re conjuring up. You’re “showing” the reader what’s happening rather than simply telling them - there’s a huge difference between the two - your descriptive language is really shining.



is filled with tension
(it's even drifting filth within)
A rift! A tear! The descent appears
to leave behind her smiles ascension.

The smiles ascension was another standout wording wise, very crisp and succinct.

She reels it in with quick and simple taps,
but the rope start twitching, then it snaps!

Funny just how life appears
to be so safe, and soft and sound,
when any trip or push and scare
could take her to the grassy ground.

The drake that once was windy love
is now found somewhere down below.
She ran home to her fathers grace
whom told her of the better days.
Then crafted her a new to use,
that works with force and mild abuse.

Now;
See her glide through seasons with astounding breeze,
with drake in hand at the bridge between the mountain peaks.


I think this tied-back around to one of the stronger sections well, giving the piece a cyclic feel, with things coming full circle. I’m a fan of that over the typical “happy ending” some stories may have. This was far from it, opting instead for the character to find that even as high as she may soar - ultimately she’s stuck in the same loop of a never ending cycle of abuse (however mild) and in want of escapism. Constantly finding herself wanting.


Vote - Objective

Pretty sure you're trolling. Would be cool to see what you can do if you actually try, you obviously know how to write and some of your old stuff wasn't bad. This tho...

Short piece and I've seen better from you on some aspects, but it wasn't bad at all. I think you should give yourself a little more writing time and do a final edit pass before you post. See where you can tweak wording for impact. Solid skills at the foundation, you just need to add more of your personal touches. Rhyming was off and on but you did enough to win. I think this treatment is too straightforward to win against tougher competition, think about your angles in future rounds.

Vote: Objective