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Bleak vs Lucipher Howlz[LH WINS]

NWL:Season I: Week I

Verses are due: FRIDAY at 11:59 PM EST

Voting ends: SUNDAY at 11:59 PM EST

Line Limit: Minimum:10 lines, Max: 30

Voting on 2 battles is required.

TOPIC:

https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/...20140618162742
@bleak vs @Lucipher Howlz

Ext I know I won't be posting before midnight, maybe late

how long you want?...I can post tonight but will give ya the ext

@Lucipher Howlz post your verse tonight or pm it or me so I know u showed

If @bleak doesn’t post by tonight I’ll give you the win

I'm finishing up after I finish this work

[CENTER

Torn between the war in me & all the gore I've seen-
Won't let em wipe the floor with me, a born marine-
As I storm the beach of Normandy-
Mayhem won't make you act accordingly-
I'm a thorn in leaves thats a chore to breathe-
Give ya life for for free but can't afford to leave-
I'm filled with guilt from all my missin' guys-
As I sit inside my distant mind-
While the water glistens wide of a crimson tide-
This isn't why we parachuted wit' a quick disguise-
A lot of souls will kiss the sky-
But I'm this mission's mind, which is why-
I won't just sit & die, So I aim & slit an eye-
Scope was tilted wide as the enemy gets hit inside!-
What a chilling vibe,This kill? yeah this is mine-
Which is fine, sour grapes, But I can pick the vine-
Intertwined like balls of yarn but it goes far beyond-
A chess match but I already saw the pawn-
I'm a King & will attack until the wall is gone!-
This common song is my strength...but probably wrong-
Lay on my stomach toss a grenade the ol' heave & ho-
The Marines make it seem like its puttin' beans on stoves-
No shit this is how we feast or something I need to know-
Do I believe what I eat? Or am I up heaving crow?

[/CENTER]

Quote:

I'm a thorn in leaves thats a chore to breathe
Give ya life for for free but can't afford to leave

A lot of souls will kiss the sky-
But I'm this mission's mind, which is why-
I won't just sit & die, So I aim & slit an eye

These were my favorite lines. Cool piece here

Good shit Howlz.

At points when you’re putting together multies in strings like that it comes over really smooth and effectively. The thing with multi strings is knowing when to tee off on them and also when to stop and switch it up so things don’t become predictable for the reader. If it starts becoming predictable what the next rhyme/end rhyme is going to be because they have the same long syllable sounds repeated again and again, people zone out. It’s a good technical show of skill, but using them wisely and knowing when it’s overkill and time to switch up and move on is also a skill in itself to keep the readers interest and will them to go on. Otherwise it can get robotic and formulaic sounding, which is the opposite of what you want when you’re trying to keep their attention regardless of the degree of technical ability you’re attempting to display.

If you can strike that balance between the two I think you’ll do well around here.

Keep that pen moving!