Master Rock vs Scar
 

Let's go

so nice not to see stupid wrestling gif. very good. master rock, lets play buddy

Check...Now I got to figure out UK time...ugh.

You’ve got around 36 hours I would say.

@Scar I need an ext bro.

thats cool but bro u still got like 2 more days left lol

Verses due in 8 hours

“Undeveloped”

Wyman beach. Where salt meets sand
The sun was high and the water was grand
I glanced her eyes, teenage angst on the run
the chewing gum pop sound announced that summers begun.
The bees waltz to a bumbling pirouette
Dandelion patches regarded a summer I still regret
Blackberries and plums,
Kites and tire swung
Teasing the edge of the lake as youth enact days to come.

Billy was close to the edge. He’d often stare up to the golden arches . The corner offices,
You know CEO, board members talking shit
But he chose to walk a different path, be an artist, that’s it!
Explored the artistry that barters ones orifice
The right to tunnel through what god has gifted
And he discovered God, through missionary work a Mormon bit
But more on it later….
Pen and paper plane were so far from this. But his words took flight, winning writing contests and shit
A late bloomer, he salvage his inner sanctum
Untouched, untempted.
Oblongata undeveloped
And with Luck, he’s met some young ladies, to be fair
However to be fair is not to be balanced
Some had trust issues, others lacked tact
fact of the matter is he doesn’t know what he wanted
So he savor his space, rehearsing tropes like “I like my peace”
In actuality, he had no choice but to accept his creed.
A step beneath his fellow man, he became desperate; pleas
A rejected thesis was too tough, he’d crack in pieces
So he learned to laugh. Laugh at demons.
And rather wait for his self esteem to catch-up.

Cool pic. Looks to me like a love story between two old folks where one/both have dementia (brain sunset). Enjoying those last lucid moments together.

MR -

Not sure if I’m just remembering all the times when you rushed verses and you actually had time for this one, or if you’ve improved a lot, but this was a step up from what I expected - nice one. Esp mechanically - your lines are a more consistent length now and/or the rhyme spacing works better, which lends a more rhythm to your piece. Creative and evocative use of language to convey deep emotions and experiences for your character. It’s got a kinda introspective and contemplative tone. One area for improvement could be the organization and coherence of the ideas. While the imagery and emotions are beautifully expressed, the overall structure of the text might benefit from a clearer progression or flow. Like into a cohesive narrative or thematic thread. ALTHOUGH, the way it’s kind of scattered now actually works perfectly as the love + dementia take I mentioned. I’d like one concrete tie to that somewhere to make me believe that was intentional lol, but I’ll give the benefit of the doubt and say this was a really good piece for this topic overall. Great job man.


Scar-
The opening stanza effectively captures a sense of nostalgia and introspection through its vivid descriptions and exploration of the characters' experiences. The use of imagery, such as salt meeting sand and the buzzing bees, adds depth to the scene at Wyman beach and sets a nostalgic tone. However, there are some areas where the writing could be refined. The transitions between the two parts of the text could be smoother to create a more cohesive narrative. It would be helpful to establish a clearer connection or parallel between the characters of Wyman beach and Billy to enhance the overall coherence of the piece. Additionally, the second part of the text, which focuses on Billy, could benefit from more development and clarity. While there are glimpses into his journey as an artist and his struggles with self-esteem, further exploration of his experiences, thoughts, and emotions would allow readers to connect with him on a deeper level. But I do know that’s difficult to do within 32 lines.



I think Scar had the better character development and mechanics, but overall I preferred MR’s emotive language and take on the topic.

V/ MR

Master Rock -

I glanced to the side as my babies eyes were fixated on the tides
the ebb and flow gave her solace from the glides of
memories crashing along the splashes as they dive

heal our wounds, renew us into a cocoon,
fly away in my mind the dawn sets butterfly divine


Had a poetic feel. So the man had committed murder and was reflecting on the pain he felt from that with his wife by his side. Okay cool. The delivery was okay, could be tighter. Rereading it and knowing what the man is feeling makes for a better read but upon first read it's a chore to get through. I liked this because it was a a reflection piece and it captures the essence of the picture. A man and his wife staring into the ocean with the sun setting configured as a brain so it makes sense that this would be more reflective. Cool verse.


Scar - Undeveloped was a good title because I think this story was a bit undeveloped. Started off talking about summer then a mormon office worker who wanted to be the man to women. It was cool to read



Good showing from both. I think MR really captured the essence of what the photo was about. Used really good vocabulary and had some bits and pieces of great wording, imagery and conveyance. MVGT Master Rock

mvgt Master Rock

topic: I'm seeing an old couple on the beach at a sunset, but the sun is a glowing brain. I'd move in the direction of alzheimers/mental decline and drive that point home.

rock:
cool narrative, covers a lot of ground, with strong images. some of the pacing felt a little weird/off. story of betrayal it seems.

scar:
definitely lighter imo, good opening although the age of the subjects seems hella wrong. much smoother flow, but the second half, two-thirds, seems disconnected - even though it forms a cohesive story, it doesn't seem related to the topic that well.

this is a tough vote for me, I think scar delivered a smoother read and rock a more emotional read. neither approached the topic the way I expected but I think rock was closer to staying on topic, so I'm giving it there

I hope you both enjoyed this weeks topic; I selected this knowing the two of you often opt for a storyline narrative over the more topical approach, but I was also mindful of the fact that Master Rock prefers to tap into the emotional aspect of his writing while Scar has a penchant for descriptive visual imagery and characterisation to bring his stories to life. I thought this choice was inspired and almost plays to both your strengths somewhat in that regard. There’s an emotional aspect with the love the couple share, yet the sun clearly setting on their relationship as their days draw to a close. The inevitable happening before their eyes. Possibly with a new dawn beginning afterwards, yet there they stand - defiant - together ready to brace whatever may come their way. I thought you would both like this one.

Master Rock: I think I noted in the magazine this week the improvement we’ve seen in you over the past month, or two to three months even if anyone cares to look back, but definitely over the past four weeks or so we’ve seen a determined Rock who’s not only showing up - but showing out. This hasn’t just happened by chance, you’ve now been consistently challenging against those some may perhaps generally consider a tier above you and I think you’re all the better for it. More battle hardened. More determined. More committed to pushing yourself to achieve that breakthrough win and scoping a title to your name.

There’s a marked improvement to your writing also with those lines like “swallowing up the tides,” and “footsteps in the sand while the hourglass suspends,” where even the word association works and these fragments are scattered throughout with turns of phrase that stand out when read while I look back just to even in the earlier AOWL season match vs Pharaohs Army where you presumably phoned it in rather last minute just to meet the deadline… this verse is far and away better than what we saw from you then.

I thought you did well here, the emotional presence was there for sure (as expected) but this went beyond ‘just’ that due to the layered tie-ins and constant call backs to the visuals contained in the image. I enjoyed this one a lot, not just for the rhyme placement but also due to how invested you seemed to be in the topic image itself with references throughout and how you interwove your narrative to be include those alongside your central characters - The approach was direct and your focus remained consistent throughout here. This isn’t you merely showing up to take part with a rushed keystyle before deadline, this is you wanting to win. The hunger is there and it’s palpable when reading this that you weren’t playing around.

Scar: I really liked the idea of “chewing gum pop sound announced that summers begun,” which I thought was a good way of conjugating up that imagery early on. It had a Deadman-esque feel throughout those opening four lines for me, setting the scene, but sort of showing the reader rather than simply telling them. There’s a difference between the two, I think you understand that. “Bumbling pirouette,” was another standout descriptor for me here and I enjoyed that one too. I did feel that the central character of “Billy” was somwhat underdeveloped (pardon the pun) in that way that he was just sort of referred to by name without the reader really being given a chance to get to know what made him tick of feel for what would happen to him, especially after the scene setting from the start, I felt you could have perhaps used more by way of character development there to build up some thing that had the reader invested in his plight. In fact, on a second read, it was really at the point of him being introduced that I felt you perhaps lost a little steam here to be truthful. In notice the line lengths begin to creep up slowly, the wording for me isn’t as crisp as it is as early on, though I did enjoy the “pen and paper plane,” and “but his words took flight,”. Now, in terms of overall execution, I actually preferred your experiment the more of the two. I don’t think there was much to separate the pair of you from a rhyme scheme perspective or technical standpoint, and I’m not really someone to mark up ‘vocabulary’ as I don’t place a massive emphasis on that sort of thing but the two of you did well in terms of unique terms of phrase and associative wordplay throughout while tying it to the image — I did feel that Scar perhaps attempted something different and left-field with the topic which I give kudos for the creativity but overall this week I have Master Rock winning in terms of his rhyme placement, storytelling ability, and his execution.