Week VI: Adonis vs Mr. J [OPEN FOR VOTES]
 

Verses are due Friday 11:59 PST. EXT 1/13 11:59 PST

Voting ends Sunday 1/15 at 11:59 PST

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 wordsd

[B]Voting on 3 battles is required.[/B


Topic:

https://www.walldevil.com/wallpapers...wallpapers.jpg

@Adonis vs @Mr. J

Goodluck!

Goodluck!

And the Lord said "let there be light"
And Adonis said "fuck off"

*Yoink*

Parallels, we are the same but different
There is no telling how we became so distant
Worlds apart living in the coexisting timeline
Taking steps back when I was hitting my stride.
Melodies cloud my memory & then haunt me.
Upon reflection we need more action, less apologies
The battle to stay balanced has grown obvious
How can one overthrow a whole metropolis?
We must reproduce, reevaluate, & re-manufacture
Now is the time, we are the lead benefactors.
As society grows the wars will be unending.
In their minds they're the ones who become threatening.
Greed motivates power, the cycle continues
With such an overabundance, time will be an issue.
Diseases manufactured by inability of willpower
Lives will crumble as those that once filled towers.
Their foundation will be built around terror & hope.
Misguided through their own errors in smoke...
When the heirs are choked they wait to implode.
While shock destroys everything they wanted to know.
I will stand there waiting, watching their souls...
Ready to guide them to where the deserved sleep
unless they make the call..



















911. How may I help you..
Its an emergency..

~Tale of Death and Tech~



Born to young Earth, had to walk with no Uber
Learned about loss and how the heart can be neutered
Taught to not be so brutal
~Hapless-happiness~
You too can be a prosperous loser
Death is in the margins, point blank...
The dots are unusual
Each synonym is sentient, it's intent has begun
Romance is meant to be won, not lost in a posture that's slumped
So if Tech is a bell that's been rung
Then humanity must be a lisp where the cat's got your tongue
Heavens a night shift, each customer's odd
For if he believed the shit taught by a "God"
His soul could have been bought and then lost
Each thought created so hope wouldn't stop,
Each punctuation a nail most couldn't affix to a cross
I'll play devils advocate, come, burn a young witch
But the twist...is...I Am GOD; Ironically,
I'm a son of a bitch

I can't see the picture or topic if there even is one from this shitty work comp?

Fuck it though, while i'm here, may as well cast a vote up:

Mr. J was largely on for me. I loved this line, mainly for its contrast between the two things:

However, I felt it would have worked better as the second in a couplet rather than the first. That's just me, though, I guess.

re-manufacture/lead benefactors was a dope as fuck multi-rhyme IMHO. It matched up really well, I like that ish.

cycle continues/time will be an issue is like a syllable out, and mismatching like that really irks me for some reason. Call it pedantic if you want, but I hold myself to crazily high standards and its something I'd never personally do. There was another spot I noticed errors in smoke/heirs that choked but I put that down to more of an accent thing so I let it slide, even if I wouldnt have used it. The closer was cool, maybe a little long compared to the majority of line lengths you had. Solid enough verse overall, even if the approach had been done before.


Adonis: Yours was less about the technical aspects and more the content for me. I liked the opening line about walk with no Uber LOL. Hapless happiness is a cool choice of words, it just felt out of place a little to me with the rest of the verse maybe? Cats got your tongue was a standout as a quoteable. I didn't really feel the "twist" if you want to call it that, it lacked something. Maybe development? I mean it was straight, but all happened a bit too quickly and didn't seem as pre-planned or thought out and given any flesh to the bones of it, where Mr J's had that advantage to it this time out. There you have it.

I'm going with Mr. J.