.:: The Truth Hurts ::.
 

I'm the adventurous kind, scentless, restless, master of minds,
spellcaster of rhymes
that magically appears in spheres of senseless disastrous crimes
to pass the backasswards lackluster backbuster jackass that is time.
"I'm thirty, I'm FINE!"
But feel dirty, unworthy of curvy furbys to mermaidian cousines and dimes,
firstly cus I'm worst me if I cursed it and bursted albanian proteins of slime.
The purpose is worthless for serpents of life,
It HuRtS uS, mY pReCiOuS, like ushers in spite.
I'm mostly the ghostly joker barred in viking folklore that signed with TalkMore,
taste my odor and tell me how you starred a bard that started liking Mordor.
Say "I'll DM you like a bauss, B!" (Nice, I'll handle THAT;)
then show up at her house with dice and battlemats.
I lost character...
and don't be the last to ask about the aftermath,
I'll just pass the ash and chalk it up with laughter gas.

The Serpent Bent that smiles not Wanting to Repent
Burnt along with Garbage in a Tent
This is the tale that was Arguably Meant
For those that Want to Invent without the Masters Consent
Everything that Shatter Foment, I Got No Cent
Just a hole in my crown that makes God Indent
I can give you more than what that Mobster Spent like it was Obviously Meant
Caz am also here Wondering what goes through minds of princesses that enjoy watching the Monster Lament
I burry all the money you make telepathically Under a Mound to Ferment
Got you exhaling gold Everytime you hit a Stone or Cement
Till you give back that push that you Holfully Lent giving it a Hundred Percent
Up, Down here comes the Soared Clown,
My very Own Demi Thrown got him staining my Ol Gown
Dirt under his toe nail to fill a Whole Town, No Joke Frown,
You get the share agreed Bomb Blown and then Disappear with Speed
Caz while this happens people are in hot rooms Ensnared and Chained they Bleed
Every letter counts, Share the Deed or just be my puppet till the end a Bear Indeed
I'm responsible for every Queer the Feed, Every Ear they Freed, Enslaved in Greed
Vampiristic desires Make me Feed, I Spit is the Rain that Gaped a Seed
From the earth I ascend watching Satan Freed
His mission is to blindly and Blatantly Lead
Or be chopped again like a Paganly Weed
Do not touch this One it's too Forsaken to Breed

Dude, create your own thread like everyone else.

lmao Objective, shit was freshy with it
Lower half was wrath injected. From PreCiOus
Cream flow. Clean mechanics. Enjoyed.

Hey Objective, this was cool. I could sense a strong energy in it, the short length, the amount of rhyming it had... maybe you needed to get this out, a short burst of whatever was on your mind. It had stuff about DMing girls, your age (?), questions of your own self worth. At least on the surface this is what it said.

"and tell me how you starred a bard that started liking Mordor."

I'm the type who loves small, interesting sentence fragments like this because it can evoke a whole story or mood. This reminds me of the way a writer/bard's mind can turn to darkness if they're in a not-so-peachy mood, or if they have to change their emotional state to get the right thoughts into a piece, if it's a darker theme. Or it has vampires or something.

Cheerz.

I like this fam, good emotion...flow was solid.Like V said this felt like you needed to get this outwards, for your own benefit maybe? Maybe just to get things off your chest & see how it resonates with readers? Either way, this was a really nice little piece man...Enjoyed it.

Stay upwards.

This is spot on. Been having those days lately where I've questioned a few things about my own life and wanted to just air some of it out as it's just there in a way, you know? Like, I'm playing DnD with some people now and I'm the DM, it blows my mind to think back on where I was when I was 15 and who I am now, 15 years later. I probably would have slapped myself simultaneously for the double KO in two different timezones, lol. Thanks for the read and feed, same to you guys as well, Wise & Vulgar.

this read pretty smoothly and I normally trip over multis. I'm gathering this is all coming from you and saying your piece, but not exactly stream of thought, though there's a real cohesion to it. Like, you can draw a line 'I'm thirty, I'm FINE' to the DM stuff, which was funny. Felt the piece as a whole was the perfect length, where I could stand to read more, but you got everything you needed to say out.


Noticed a lot of small, telling things that kind of give me the sense of self-reflection that is the least bit melancholic but with good humor. Big standouts for me were:

to pass the backasswards lackluster backbuster jackass that is time.
"I'm thirty, I'm FINE!"

I'm mostly the ghostly joker barred in viking folklore that signed with TalkMore,

There's a real difference in tone from viking folklore to TalkMore (which I googled), but it holds together really well

First, since its a major element, some of the multisyllabic patterns here are not as impactful as they could have been, mostly because of the mundane patterns, and the words you chose to syllabically dissect and manipulated. But when you added the element of internals it made the thing pop more. But, that's just the cursory element, let's get to the meat, what you chose to convey. It was interesting, particularly the way you juxtaposed this cultural blend of cultural folklore with modern cultural references. That was refreshing, and you conveyed an interesting juxtaposition of conceptual thoughts.
I also liked the last line, it was gritty, cool, and also kind of playful.

@Sharp, thanks a lot for feeding this stuff. Same to @UnbornBuddha, MUCH appreciated! Definitely taking the thought out and honest critique and feedback with me and continue to work on em, also on them good vibes for the stuff I did get right. Y'all some helpful motherfuckers.