Week 3: Razah vs. Adonis [Adonis 3-2 ]
 

Verses are due Thursday 1/5 at 11:59 PST. EXT 1/6 11:59 PST

Voting ends Sunday 1/8 at 11:59 PST

Verses may not exceed 48 lines

Voting on 3 battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will not receive a victory. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension.



Topic: Balancing Act

@Razah

word.

No rest for blue collars

The perfect picture was a house, a tree, the sun- & a cloud I drew
No longer impressed when they surround my view- Picture perfect, now it's you
It's like somehow I knew, when the time came I was astounded too
The admiration is beyond words, but I'm bound to them like I'm bound to you
If I could only define it- You can make my blood boil & still be causing a clot
Still, you're like the greatest story ever told, I'm forever lost in the plot
Surprised you don't flaunt it a lot, the way my heart beats I can waltz on the spot
The true beauty's when you find a moment for us, whether you're exhausted or not
& I admire it so, a true goddess indeed, you must've inspired the scrolls
I still get lost in your eyes, & the way you look back can set a fire to souls
Yet you made my heart flutter- Since day one I knew you were trouble
But timing is everything, we're both victims to the most confusing of puzzles
As we piece our life together, remember, what we're holding is rare
I can't explain the feelings I feel or thoughts that I have for every moment we share
I'm always left speechless- You're breath-taking, sorry, I had to distract
The puzzle's almost complete, until then we'll continue this balancing act.

first dude (adonispad)

nice section here:

See, I can out line with chalk…
Every ounce of breath
Leaving victims in the wake that’s left
Or I can take aim with a side arm possessed
Either way, be alarmed, with a form unchecked
Ego swells and consumes each chef
For the Iron in utensil is the poem I bless

lol at the chef play...I'll bite.

From "beats behind the ears..." to the close I felt could have been reworded not only for flow, but as well as for visual imagery.

I was bumping along the piece that had an oft times smooth flow and oft times jarring flow...UNLESS you read this piece on the beat and on the rhythm dictated by its line structure. The effect, positive or negative then, rest on the readers ability or his patience...risky business.

Overall I like the care free and clarity of presentation, no straining at gnats to find meaning, a strait forward start to finish...this is to be highly cherished.

//

second dude (razahpad)

Razah coming with a safe, maybe predictable verse? Or maybe there is more... however it may be, the ending lines tied it all together (to the topic at hand) very well. Smooth content delivery, made it look easy to do: each line really carrying on to the next and so forth, not much wasted band-with.

The opening is evidence:
The perfect picture was a house, a tree, the sun- & a cloud I drew
No longer impressed when they surround my view- Picture perfect, now it's you
It's like somehow I knew, when the time came I was astounded too
The admiration is beyond words, but I'm bound to them like I'm bound to you
If I could only define it- You can make my blood boil & still be causing a clot
Still, you're like the greatest story ever told, I'm forever lost in the plot

This is either genius or just cliche...lol but well done none the less. The whole verse is this way.


and in the end, for more risk, more original "universe creating", for a bit more exploration and development I

Vote: first dude (adonispad)


This battle was very tough, and first dude (adnoispad) by a thin margin.

Adonis, neat little verse.. interesting angle on your topic, borderline stretched to me. A few references throughout, enough to lure the reader (and voter) around for the trip.mechwnically sound with bouncy flow . Imaginative imagery for things you don't see unique spins of, seldom does someone chose to write about the writing process.

Razah, I really liked this verse. Although I felt there were comparably lose connections to the topic as your opponents verse however your angle was less cooquial and managed to draw me in more. The confusing of puzzles line felt unnatural but the rest really worked for me. You too tried to tien it in with the closer but we're more successful imo.

+1 Razah

Tied 1-1

MVGT Adonis

I enjoyed both pieces. Adonis's was cool overall in his wording and flow, but I didn't like the "see...see...see..." Razah played on my naivete as a teen in the poetry I tended to write, and he did well with formulating his flow and structuring his rhyme scheme. I reall thought this was really close, but I chose Adonis for his piece being something a little fresher for me. Great job guys.

Aite

Adonis, is this a verse about writing? Points deducted right away due to lack of originality but the worse part was the lack of creativity. Including this verse here, ur last few outings been very meta and without a proper or rather "interesting" framework it's pretty corny. Mechanically this was good however quite a bit of awkward wording. " iron in utensil is the poem I bless" what does that even mean, son? Thing was u set it up with the previous line which makes it less impressive.

Razah, Not bad but if I can be perfectly honest, the shit was too expositional. Should I remind u of the show don't tell adage? Anyways just fuckin wit ya. And who is this object of affection? You wasted most of ur effort on telling us but the most important component for the telling wasn't told at all. Is this a metaphor for writing? Was it a chick?

Not too impress with either verses but if I had to pick I'd go with razahrector. It was boring but it was less pretentious and was a bit more creative.

Im giving this to adonis because i connected with his character more, granted he had less content but more emotion from that small content and controversy. His character development was a little better, not feeling love stories right now i guess but i just liked adonis verse a little bit more

Razah you had some sick rhymes bro but it feels like u got lost in that and i did feel your piece but i never connected with your character, you never put me there to feel how you were trying to portray so she didnt look to me like she did to you. But it was a sick piece bro.