Colour of Foundation - AOWL Topical
 

Here's a piece that won by no-show in the AOWL, so I'm looking for some feedback since it didn't get much. Much love.

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(hey, wake up.)
you ever wondered where your blue eyes came from?
I met your mother back in nineteen eighty-one.

(wake up)
I was fifteen and dollar-less,
less interested in listening to lectures then to lick her tits,
we'd hook up near the outhouse where the scholar's shit

(wake up!)
trench war politics, bricks to keep the stench in,
high school hiding spot, where kids would learn to French kiss,
and sip up off of the liquor drinks to stagger from establishment,
romanticizing sex with every chick they've ever had it with...

(is that bottle empty?)
"frantic" fits, you could say we moved a little fast,
addiction triggered relapse like a selfish ass,
though no one knew the grind like her pelvis had.
double line, tight lips, flip to see who tells her dad.

(someone call 911)
I let her have.

(hurry!)
nine months later, the trauma took you and your mum's life,
you were christened on the outskirts of a dump site.
I sympathize with wolves when we scream at moons.

(I don't feel a pulse.)
I'll see you soon.

I know I'm a little late on the feed but here it is. This piece by the looks of it was pretty simple, and when I started it I honestly didn't think I would like it. The lick her tits line especially stuck out to me and I started saying to myself, "I will not like this.", but it got better. The pace picked up from that line I just said and it was actually pretty good. Story about a man who killed himself from a pill overdose I'm guessing? I may be wrong but that's what it seemed like to me. All in all this was a good drop. I think if you spent more time developing your pieces it could be very good. Keep dropping my friend.

Appreciate it.

trench war politics, bricks to keep the stench in,
high school hiding spot, where kids would learn to French kiss,
and sip up off of the liquor drinks to stagger from establishment,
romanticizing sex with every chick they've ever had it with...

greetings,

I thought you killed it on this^^

so much depth and range in that, with the first line being really strong...followed by a strong 3rd line. added some tone to the run of the mill young-dumb-and-then-some sex stuff kids do....set a backdrop that reps. the angst of high school.

maybe add some more details inbetween the infatuation with the girl and the murder, you left a gap there...which made this a bit airy, seeing as you touched and left hanging a political and other themes. just some thoughts.

good voice tho

probably my favourite four lines I've written so far.
thanks for the feed, friend.

Gonna feed this at a later date.
Will feed though, know that I've read it

I like to get aquainted with possible/future contestants
upping before it gets lost

Cool, thanks.

Coup! You are alive! Thought you'd been abducted and murderaped by some jehovrastas! Nice to see you around... Join the topicals, a couple weeks left...


Sym, your style is so odd I'm having a hard time liking it, but, I do, its growing on me slowly

I couldn't tell if this was a dad talking to his son in a drug coma or the dad's thoughts of his dead unborn son and wouldabeen baby momma as he himself was going under...until the call 911 part, and thinking so up to there was sorta offputting with the sexual stuff, sorta creepy weird rather than emotional...
But, as I understand, you intended the parenthesized parts as what he was hearing from someone finding him dying
The concept became really good once I think I understood it, but it was lacking in some vagueries, not explaining who found him, or who killed the babymom (in thinking her dad, which would assume she lost the cointoss to tell him)
It was interesting but too much was left unsaid for something so conceptually deep like this, good shit though, keep at it