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The Wendigo
It’s a little long so I’m apologizing in advance lukz. I’m really interested in knowing what i can improve on because I’m prepping for another run at gwl and opponents are getting tougher Every week. Quote:
https://www.smb.museum/fileadmin/_pr...93a695978f.jpg "The Wendigo" I. The study maintained a rich facet of worldly laurels Runes and rarities, heirlooms, very distinct pearls and corals Possessions swaddled in prize and “masculinity” Heads of lions and wildebeests with forlorn eyes, You swear they were alive. He penned a piece: It was a battle of wit and prowess. What mattered that minute was power. The cat had strength and cunning. Yet i overcame as it lunged in I could smell its pungent breath It was then I realized death has an odor Walter examined the text taking careful deliberation To his left was an arrow, chafed, and a pair of vintage paintings An image of a thin injun racing along an open creek Over his shoulder, a beast - The Wendigo, its golden fleece.. glistening in the evening sun. “ ...so unique, I'll see you soon” A vow eschewed just beyond the reach of youth He needed this. He needed truth Not to prove to naysayers but to maintain the painted repute Reputation is an art and color changes with view II. ::Somewhere in South America:: The jungle was as he read in those adventure novels Beads of sweat; rendered helpless to the whelms of Apollo Up ahead a hollow chasm stained by earth’s codex He peered down to assess the girth and observe its full depth A strange lull lamented to one peculiar silence Gone were the sounds of wildlife. Somethings missing.. III. ::Earlier that day:: The natives were clad in colored extravagants Made from berries and black saps that sets.. along a patch of yellow lilies grown along the Parana bank Walter felt a kinship. They were hunters like himself not quite his equal, they were savages; “animals” he felt, lack the soul of the civilized. But that will to survive, a prize in itself The High priest awaited his arrival His body, blotches of dots representing songs and symbols arranged in artworks that echoed across ponds and temples; appeasing the call of the Godess Im-Oh “Come in, Walter” he said, gesturing with his hand Walter enters the barrier, aware the respect he commands “I did not come for protections” he stammered “I’m here for information” “Information?” Asked the Priest, dreading the answer “Wendigo” said Walter, in a rather callow manner “There are more than birds and beasts in this world” asserted the priest “And as such, we are not meant to disturb the world beneath There are places forbidden..” “NOTHING IS FORBIDDEN TO ME! All you need is nerve, you'll see” IV. ::present time:: “Something’s not right..” the air felt stale, lack of substance He’s felt panic in all its facets but this...this….was past such junction Near collapse, his eyes diverted back to the sun’s tainted glow At that instance, the ledge gave way as Walter plummet into the space below V. Darkness. All around him were darkness beyond reach Even his thoughts fell between horror and reprieve His motion suspended, still that sensation of falling deceives "Floating", perhaps the word choice for a more congruous means It wasn’t all alien, he’s felt it before, many times as a kid plummeting of the stomach; a 'coaster ride the rise and sudden dip Though rendered weak, he notices a deep drumming gradually starting It was soft yet deafening - caught in a pulse of calamity's calm However it was not of auditory sensory, but a fabrication of the mind. Unsure if it’s a product of inner needs or him processing the grandeur, sublime Then….. Halt… “IIIMMMM…...OOOOOOHHH With the last of his strength, Walter uttered “Whhhhooooo is that????” “IIIMMM…….OOOOOOOHHH” VI. In the vast canvas of darkness, an even darker, massive figure took shape It shook and quake his inner psyche despite no movements made A light slowly manifested within the huge ass cave It was an endless, boundless stretch beyond time and space The sound it made- “IIIIMMMM…...OOOOOOOOHHHHHH” It’s body a disjointed compulsion of size and shapes. Eyes would race from back to front, side to side in violent waves the pressure! the scope left to his primitive cognition It was all a bit much even for one such as Walter’s position He felt its mental clutch. Around it, little lights and dust floated about He adjusted his sight, examining tiny clusters of clouds Blinking as the particles progresses in spiral patterns His mind rattled, as he gathered what his mind would fashion All sense and logic thrown out, he was witnessing THE TAPESTRY the lights were suns and stars, the small concentric dusts were galaxies! Meanwhile he’s being ripped apart, shifting back and forth from reality Future, past and present, tossing turning simultaneously He sees a child walking in a dust bowl that transformed into a tranquil sea Freezing, burning, relief, the hurt, accidents, purpose - how could this be?! Then…. SILENCE. “IIIMMMMM…...OOOOOOHHHHH” The primordial goddess sung her last tune, resetting his reality as Walter collapsed in this vast tomb. VII. He opened his eyes. He can feel the rays of the sun. The warmth on his skin, negated the pain that succumb Awake, Walter recognizes the shape of the enclosure It was a cave! He made it back, still dazed from the excursion The light urging him on. Hurt, he followed the sound and the scent to an open creek, there he sees a thin boy of native descent HEY!!! HELLLPP!!, he pleaded - the boy would see him and run As Walter looked on, his skin glistening in the evening sun |
I felt like I was reading a piece of classic literature than a by the numbers open mic effort. This was brilliantly original in it's concept and beautiful realised by your choice of vocab which gave a sense of sophistication without coming off as pretentious. That's a difficult balance to achieve. The imagery was great; I could visualise the story in all it's locations, twists and turns. I had a great sense of the main characters personality and you linked the piece to the picture perfectly. Well done.
Keep up the quality work mate. |
@Scar you got to make the print bigger man I'm on my phone and it's a nightmare to read... and I WANT to read this. Seems epic.
Please edit this asap. |
This was captivating man, the story was golden from the beginning to finish, wasn’t a huge amount up for interpretation but that’s a good thing, you told the story in a very straight line and then once he wound up in the beast’s lair the imagery and vocabulary really started clicking on all cylinders, this whole excerpt right here was super dope to me
It’s body a disjointed compulsion of size and shapes. Eyes would race from back to front, side to side in violent waves the pressure! the scope left to his primitive cognition It was all a bit much even for one such as Walter’s position He felt its mental clutch. Around it, little lights and dust floated about He adjusted his sight, examining tiny clusters of clouds Blinking as the particles progresses in spiral patterns His mind rattled, as he gathered what his mind would fashion All sense and logic thrown out, he was witnessing THE TAPESTRY the lights were suns and stars, the small concentric dusts were galaxies! Meanwhile he’s being ripped apart, shifting back and forth from reality Future, past and present, tossing turning simultaneously He sees a child walking in a dust bowl that transformed into a tranquil sea Freezing, burning, relief, the hurt, accidents, purpose - how could this be?! Then…. Just the descriptiveness here was amazing to me. Imagery was great. Like Johnny said this felt like classic literature more than it did a hip hop topical, it felt Dickens esque. My only complaint was with the line that talked about a “huge ass cave” it felt really out of place, but that’s my only complaint. I don’t think you really need advice for the GWL. Your verse that week just simply didn’t stack up to Bodey’s. It was a misstep if anything, everyone knows you’re a dope writer so sign back in and you’ll be right back in the mix for the champ in no time. Great piece worth the read |
Okay that's better lol.
Yeah, I mean... this was a pleasure to read. Epic in scope and equal in follow through. There's a little too much to breakdown though so I'll keep it more general... The way you present your verses is amazing to me... It's literally like a novel. The detail is staggering but unfortunately, I feel you will lose some people because of it. But not this guy lol. I love how your pieces tend to all come full circle too... From what I gathered, Walter WAS the Wendigo, and the entire time he was searching for himself. I think the fall into the abyss was metaphorical, showing his "proper" society-acceptable side hiding away within himself so the primal beast can be let loose. Am I correct about that? I hope I am. You are probably the best storytelling topical writer I have ever seen, in terms of detail and plotting and just straight up passion. And that includes myself back in my heyday lol. Only thing I can really suggest to you is to dumb yourself down a bit... lol. Sounds like I'm joking but I'm not. People don't like to be made to feel stupid and they will mask this feeling with indifference, if you let them. Concentrate on perfecting your lines and being as crystal clear as possible without losing your talents... that's the tight rope walking routine we all need to balance. As much as we want to show people what we can do... It's almost more important to let people in to enjoy themselves and not feel overwhelmed. So yeah, basically you're TOO good so stop with that lol. Great work here, well worth the wait for me. Come back to the GWL man... I'd say you're more than ready. :) |
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@Johnny 6 feet @Adverse thanks for reading and the kind words brothers. |
Terrible, LMAO.
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^^Yes you are ;)
@Scar...I'll get at this soon bro, word shits long lol. |
Pretty much nailed all aspects of writing here. If I'd to describe this with one word it would be professional. Not much to add except it was just an enjoyable read for me, ever considered writing a book or something?
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Too lazy to actually give you any feedback. But I very much enjoyed this.
Thank you. |
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