Self-Centricity, in stages
 

IIIIII





I've tried to be happy. tried a coke and a smile
but i can't shake the feeling that my hope is denial
and i'm sorry for changing. that i'm socially wild
but when it's only us i'm more like an emotional child
at a festival surrounded by excitement and sound
lonelier than ever as i followed the crowd
met a stranger by the willow tree. he loaned me a light
we talked, tobacco molten delight. smoke in the night
he too, felt disconnected, but accepted the distance
like, it all gets so old. the drugs, the tension, the bitches
the love, the pressure, the systems
like nothing's better than sickness.
i like to be alone sometimes but friends are persistent
calculating interactions. analytic and strange
inhibited, sane. aware. i miss my primitive brain
if you think, you think too much about the tiniest task
pour your pint in a flask and toast the moment.
if you like your coffee black, wine white in your glass
it's a sign of the times, zeitgeist approaches.
there's a color to music that gives it texture and taste
i've recycled time enough to know it's better to waste
i've devolved into a prototype. repetitive, fake
it was over the second they gave the devil a face.
my demons are dollars. endorsements, checking at Chase
spent on any substance that presents an escape.
i'm evil. stupid. selfish. all those negative traits
but i'm centered. almost perfect. true perfection awaits
passion in these parables, poetic for praise
it's a proper alternative to repressive malaise
it's pain but not exactly cause it's pleasant at times
adrenaline rushes from looking death in her eyes
there's not a sedative high that can compare to success
not a failure that can measure up to marital stress
sometimes what's truly beautiful is fairly depressed
and purity is found inside a terrible mess
prepare for the next. compressing air in your chest
i say whatever comes to mind. but say it in jest
naked, her breasts were Marilyn, yes - Monroe in her prime
I guess Gentleman Prefer a woman loaded with Skyy.
cornucopia, the joker's card that nobody plays
huffing nitrous til we float, like parades. moles in a cage
prayer wasn't enough to wash my clothes in the rain
it didn't save my homie from the coma, he stayed
no destination headed like a road to the Gray
place your coat on a hanger. welcome home, it's been ages
i'm supposed to be famous. Dead men are media martyrs
camera crews to black spoons inside a seedy apartment
spirit departed, what a cliche. shotgun shell in your face
watch me smile. iAm the devil's embrace.





IIIIII

im not sure if we still do links here but

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=15165
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=16264

my demons are dollars. endorsements, checking at Chase

and

there's not a sedative high that can compare to success
not a failure that can measure up to marital stress
sometimes what's truly beautiful is fairly depressed

the poor are rich in faith to see true beauty, otherwise it's ugly at the top.

sharp voice in this, good pacing with the narration, using I's and and's to bring it back to the character letting the reader know it's his "confession" and we able to listen and ponder...great pacing....the content could have been more unified...what happened to the dude ya shared a cig with ? he was interesting as you told us something about him through yourself..then he was not mentioned again...just a passing thought.

good drop


(trust that you do not want to smile about being the devils "embrace", believe that)

respect for actually reading this @Coup

that short conversation, while i didn't devote much time to it, was a focal point of this entire verse. or at least a catalyst for the writing of it.

You are better than I. Hats off....

Nnegative traits perfection awaits was excellent. Thanks dm.

Perhaps it is time....

I've tried to be happy. tried a coke and a smile
but i can't shake the feeling that my hope is denial
and i'm sorry for changing. that i'm socially wild
but when it's only us i'm more like an emotional child
at a festival surrounded by excitement and sound
lonelier than ever as i followed the crowd

this was an excellent description of a depressed self loathing individual. sick

met a stranger by the willow tree. he loaned me a light
we talked, tobacco molten delight. smoke in the night
he too, felt disconnected, but accepted the distance
like, it all gets so old. the drugs, the tension, the bitches
the love, the pressure, the systems
like nothing's better than sickness.
i like to be alone sometimes but friends are persistent
calculating interactions. analytic and strange
inhibited, sane. aware. i miss my primitive brain

enjoyed all of this, then it hit the last two lines.. and i was like wow.
that hit heavy. it was a thought as if to say, i wish i wasnt to smart for my own good, or maybe its more like.. the old saying, ignorance is bliss -and this person longs for that

if you think, you think too much about the tiniest task
pour your pint in a flask and toast the moment.
if you like your coffee black, wine white in your glass
it's a sign of the times, zeitgeist approaches.
there's a color to music that gives it texture and taste
i've recycled time enough to know it's better to waste

i get to this segment and comfortably begin to enjoy the read until i get to the final line there... that recycle waste flip on time was fucking nuts. loved it!

READ THIS THROUGH ENITIRELY AFTER THOSE QOUTED SECTIONS

decided to change my feed style a little

here are a few more stand out lines

my demons are dollars. endorsements, checking at Chase
spent on any substance that presents an escape.

naked, her breasts were Marilyn, yes - Monroe in her prime
I guess Gentleman Prefer a woman loaded with Skyy.

huffing nitrous til we float, like parades. moles in a cage
prayer wasn't enough to wash my clothes in the rain

spirit departed, what a cliche. shotgun shell in your face
watch me smile. iAm the devil's embrace.

such a dope finale' to an superbly crafted piece. black da gawd. thanks man, glad to see something new from you, was hoping you would grace us again soon.

NOMMING this

Votm potential.

by the way, i think he was pointing out that his smile was like the devil embracing you -or making you feel comfort when you shouldnt. not actualy saying that he himself was the devils embrace @Coup

but correct me if im wrong.

and its been so long since a votm was considered that i dont even know what it means,stands for, or what the qualifications for it are anymore. and the bad part is i had one on ncs1.0

fuck it, its been nommed for hof tho
1

i feel like i improve just by reading your drops. first i feel pissed off that you make it look so effortless, then i decide that i must elevate with my next drop to reach new heights.

passion in these parables, poetic for praise
it's a proper alternative to repressive malaise

awesome. isnt it the truth

the multis impress me the most

Read this last night. Hof worthy verse tbh. The scheme was excellent but the major stickin point of this piece was the emotion it conveyed. It was heartfelt and honest and one of the best pieces I've ever read. Great job dead

Enjoyed it a lot, it is very interesting that the focal point was only contained in a small section of the writing, shows how far it is possible to expand with all the connected themes from a single point. I agree with the previous comments about your exceptional rhyming ability. Without focusing on the rhyme schemes the real strength is the unexpected turn of phrase. The collection of individual fragments/thoughts presented within the striking language is really great. E.g., the part after zeitgeist approaches being the best examples of this type of unexpected language. It is something else how you manage to write in such a refined manner while keeping the tone so conversational and one-on-one. My top favorite lines from it; "place your coat on a hanger. welcome home, it's been ages." & " i've recycled time enough to know it's better to waste"

@VERITAS @Genocide @Mike Wrecka @Zenland @zygote

respect due.

PM me links for returned responses on a specific piece. i've already checked on a few from you guys.

I enjoyed this, and everyone's already espoused the obvious reasons why. You have a mastery of syllable counts and rhyme schemes that makes everything you write ridiculously smooth on a level no one else here approaches. (Where CopyPat stuns with his rhymes, you do it with naturalism.) And the content was good and at times great, with a whole bunch of standout lines that I'll quote at the end.

But I figure I'll drop a little bit of hopefully constructive criticism. There was a long stretch in the middle that felt very vague:

In that section, you lacked tangible nouns and images, and it was honestly a bit boring by the time I was reaching the end of it. Luckily, you brought in the image of a woman and then a few other thoughts that spruced up the content quite a bit as it hit the home stretch. But the part that felt the strongest, by a long shot, was about that cigarette conversation that others mentioned. I didn't want that character brought back, but I would have liked more hard images rather than shapeless aphorisms.

Anyway, here are the promised quotes:

This was very relatable, and I liked the "accepted the distance" line because it applies to a lot of things, including the distance between the two of you.

This is one of those examples of a writer building his rhyme scheme up in traditional ways, then breaking it down and having it still work. That was very cool.

I liked the movie reference and the conversational tone of the first line.

You're the first to call me out on my aphoristic tendencies certain and for that I thank you.

This was well written, but just okay, I thought. Better than 98% of shit here.

I really enjoyed this. Greatness.

Wow this was amazing. Heap loads of talent here that continually inspires me to improve my writing.. this was one of those pieces. Im a nobody here, but damn i wanna improve after reading this type of stuff.


Outstanding work dude. Props

thanks folks. offer still stands

brb last "up" post

this shit was nuts, Black. i'll feed proper very soon - crazy. still got it.

i've recycled time enough to know it's better to waste
i've devolved into a prototype. repetitive, fake
it was over the second they gave the devil a face.
my demons are dollars. endorsements, checking at Chase
spent on any substance that presents an escape.
i'm evil. stupid. selfish. all those negative traits
but i'm centered. almost perfect. true perfection awaits
passion in these parables, poetic for praise
^^^^

great minds must also share these parallels
nice work throughout the whole thing
I'm not quite sure if this was for one of the leagues
or on your own time, but the way it was weaved so perfectly deserves more observance
keep doing your thing