XI WK VII #1 Contender Match-Up: Soule (0-0) vs. Diablo (6-0) (DIABLO WINS)
 

#1 Contender Match-Up

VERSES: Sunday, February 19th, 11:59 P.M. Western / 2:59 A.M. Eastern / 7:59 A.M. UK. 24 Hour Ext: Mod/Opponent Discretion

VOTES: Monday, February 20th, 11:59 P.M. Western / 2:59 A.M. Eastern / 7:59 A.M. UK. 3 Vote Requirement Enforced/Penalty

MAXIMUM: 48 Lines: 64 IF AGREED UPON!


TOPIC:

3:00PM.

A boy gets home from school, drops his bag on the floor and shuts the door,
runs into the kitchen, screaming "MOM!" across freshly mopped boards,
then runs to her room repeating "MOM!" once more.

He quickly realizes he's alone, lays on his bed to rewind the day that's passed,
hits play with a smile on his face, winning a game of Dodgeball in gym class.
During lunch, his friends and him watched videos as they grinned and laughed,
and the girl he likes smiled in the hall...
he didn't say a word, but that smile was like Church Glass.

Puppy love. Innocent and sweet like the chocolate drink he consumes all week.
He stares at the ceiling fan, his stomach making a sound like bullfrogs in heat.
That Louisiana humidity shining through blinds as he grabs some cash from his piggy bank,
leaves a note for his mama so she doesn't think he's been gobbled up by a croc or icky snake.
Running down the street, kids playing catch but he's on a mission in a day dream,
blazing through the Ruins of Civilization, zombies chasin' him into safety.

He walks straight to the coolers in the back, grabs a Gatorade and some snacks,
puts them on the counter with his cash, the clerk smiles and says "how's your dad?"

The boy replies "he's fine" with a sparkle in his eye, "how's school?" again, the boy replies.

"I'm passing all my classes, so I guess alright." The clerk smirks and steers his attention outside...

"Tell you what... these are on the house if you get home fast..." but the boy says "NO SIR!"

The boy shakes his head, "mama told me that the best things in life are earned."

The man smirks again, takes the money and sends the boy on his way,
but as the boy approaches the door, you can see the horror in his face.

A man with his hood up, sunglasses and a mask... a shotgun cocked and loaded,
the boy wet himself but was too paralyzed to notice, staring at a demon with no emotion.
The man kicked the door in, bruising the boy's eye and shattering his nose,
aimed the gun at the Clerk who begged him to just take the money and go!
The boy watched in tears from his grave on the floor, "EVERYTHING IN THE DRAWER!"
"it'll be okay, son." the clerk lied as he pulled the bills out and took buckshot to his core.

The boy gasped... the smell like a combination of copper and a lit match,
as the man stuffed his pockets he turned his attention to the kid fast...

Put two more in the barrel, cocked it, shouldered it and sighed...
"Sorry, little brother, but you shouldn't have been here tonight..."

BANG!!!

4:00PM

A mother gets home, lets out some grief from a sixteen hour rotation,
"Baby! Mama's here!" her soft, pained voice carries across the salvation.
She walks into the kitchen, repeats her announcement and spots the note,
"Mommy, I went to the store, no monsters gobbled up my soul."
She smiles for the first time today and then looks out the window.
As the reds and blues flash pass, her heart climbs into her throat.
The worry escalates the faster she runs down the street towards the store,
where a body is pulled out but much too big to be her little bundle of warmth,
but the second body drops her to both knees, it erupted the storm.
That beautiful boy who blessed her dreams, now a bloodied corpse.
The entire town heard her screams, her husband broken by the sight,
as his badge caught the corner of her eye, she further lost her mind.

"BRING HIM BACK! PROTECT AND SERVE, HE'S OUR SON!"

A plea that rumbled the streetlights like a Banshee on the run.
He wrapped his arms around her, she continuously punched him in the gut.
He fought the tears until he couldn't anymore and opened the flood.
Watching his little boy, in a bodybag cocoon, covered in blood.

That little boy was their golden ticket, to a life of love and joy,
and without him, the factory might as well crumble, destroyed.

Children are our golden tickets to a better life, without them, we might as well say goodbye.

Willy Wonka didn’t bother me as much as the others —
but something was troubling them, and us Oompa’s were brothers.
Their faces, muddied with colour, would scathe as he passed
flinching away from the cane that he brandished with each wave of his hand.
We were natives of African pygmy tribes in distant lands forgotten
torn straight from the hands of our mothers to pick his candied cotton.
The wicked man would promise better lives for us all
but there were little chances offered once inside of its walls.
The white-lies he endorses have us sold on the premise
coaxed into regimented labour and deprived of our own independence.
He spoke in a caring, honeyed voice of his “Chocolate” factory
and promised us our upkeep in place of a monetary salary.
It was an offer our families viewed, more with hope than wisdom,
as our golden ticket out of abject poverty in the home we lived in.
They sold their children to the white man who took them overseas
to a cocoa bean plantation that crushed them with our hopes and dreams.
Its old machinery slowly bleeding us dry as it demands from us more
until it’s mechanical jaws have us all pour our hearts out onto the factory floor.
I see grown men cracking before my eyes and left feeling worthless
A shell of the person they were before being broke by the pressure exerted.
Us Oompas were expendable workers he could discard to the side
as marshalled, divided and compartmentalised as the chocolate bars on our lines.
Our skin dark as the finely roasted powder brought in on the wagons
while his pigment had ran as pure and white as the milk that he added.
The mixture imbalanced in his favour but no one questions the practice
of exploitative labour when it’s giftwrapped in a decorative package.
The rest of our families back home believed it was a positive change
Willy had promised them great things, but not a single one was escape.
We sung work songs as we laboured, his suit whistled as he walked,
He was sitting on a fortune, we slept where he would spit upon the floor.
Willy was a fraudster —
The golden ticket holder winners were his greatest trick of all
making pretty sure his bars were available in stores only caucasians could afford.
He catered to his audience and convinced them everyone loved him
selling his public perception on lies, they didn’t call him an inventor for nothing!
Those selected to come inside the factory were heir-apparent youngsters too
The first made clear none could love it truly as much as Augustus Gloop.
Number two was young Veruca Salt, her fathers belligerent princess,
the role was within her interests as her family owned a similar business.
Which is what brings us to Violet Beauregarde who’s competitive nature got
her a greater knowledge of the competition, and also what made them pop.
Next came the prospective Mike Teavee, aptly named for a serial user,
keen on the newer generation embracing technologies of the future.
Yet these experienced superstars couldn’t contend
with what Charlie Bucket possessed; The work ethic to prolong its success.
He knew what budgeting meant and wouldn’t ask for top dollar
If he were to land the job offer to stay around longer than an everlasting gobstopper.
That’s the one Wonka wanted, us Oompa’s would never quite fit in
despite giving our all we didn’t possess the golden ticket — of white privilege.

OK well this is tied !

no clear winner ,,, people pick favorites on this board for many reasons ...
so i vote DRAW on this ... theres nothing i find any these writers outmatched
soule use of the WORD ''BOY'' at times felt constant but it maintained tension
great writing ...Diablo exposed the underlying psy op racist agenda of willy wonka
those damned white devils conspiracy writtens are fun and the personals kept me interested as a reader,,, using the picture posted to your advantage smart move

At first i thought Diablo had zero chance of matching Soule's verse...and
then he did... soule takes imagery cadence and originality
diablo takes lyricsism metaphor and depth
great verses from both writers


I prefered soule story in terms how it reads like a emotional horror movie...
where diablo had a bit more depth and layering in terms of statement
and did a great job of finding a lost scene from the umpaloompa movie..

its a tough one im staying out of this....DRAW ya guns.....

Soule:

It starts off straight forward story, I thought I was just gonna be reading slice of mellow/mundane life, etc. - good twist, was unexpected. I have a gripe though, it seems like the clerk saw the man coming and told the boy to hurry home as a way to get him out of harm's way, so the second smirk seems really offputting.

other than that, strong flow, strong story, strong twist and a good connection abstractly to the topic.

Diablo:
as usual, good flow/multis. I wasn't a huge fan to start with, but upon rereading it grew on me. good take on the topic AND bringing in something important to the world.

Vote: Diablo
although I did like the twist and the smooth flow of Soule's piece, the second smirk was enough to make me pay more attention to his opponent. I also lean towards more current events/important topics, so this was purely pulling out preferences to decide the vote.

Fire by both but I got a tie

soul:

dude dope, i love the style of this where they are loose based lines in far as rhyme structure but as far as content they where filled to the brim.. the story itself was subtle and not in your face the way it was delivered and really let you sit there comfortably read it through and through.. the morals ending was dope not too big but it held its own with such a well told story.. i think if i was the call this piece something above other things it was pretty verry child like.. thanks..

diablo:

i love the white privilege revelation at the end it was probably your strongest suit and your natural writers voice you can tell wasnt amateur.. story wise it was dope it read linear and was cool but compared to soules thats what it felt like yours was missing soul just because of how personal he got the reader into his verse where yours kept the reader at a distance with sort of a staggering line style anywhhot still enjoyed..

vote = soule

just style wise came down one appeared rushed one appeared flushed dope gl guys

Soule- had solid delivery in his verse. flow is dope.
Verse Depth

diablo- Flow is sick he came out fresh and clean with topic

Both verse Creative Diablo verse more creative compare to Soule
Vote-Diablo

XI
 

v LARS but CLOSE
 

Soule

STORY-wise pretty well-done & impactful. Palpable tragedy, & based on the pieces I’ve read from Soule he has that ability to “shock” the reader with content or disturbing narrative… He told a more “pure” story, where Lars went more “in-summation” about his content…
Also love the “screenplay-like” Time/setting stamps & descriptions… Well done Soule, can tell you’ve done this before.

There were a couple spots? Or, hiccups where I thought the lines didn’t have quite the impact that some before or after had.
NOTHING big…just when compared to a polished long-time vet; makes me lean towards the term “efficiency”, WHEN IT’S CLOSE, & 2 TIE VOTEZ, etc…
Moving on,

He quickly realizes he's alone, lays on his bed to rewind the day that's passed,
hits play with a smile on his face, winning a game of Dodgeball in gym class.
If you want the nitty-gritty nitpicks / (FRIENDLY PERSONAL SUGGESTIONS, lol.) you’re gonna get’em if my vote is to be any longer than Dope Girl’s, or some others:
I just am “not loving” that word “gym” there phonetically or syllabically…I see the internal of a “him” down on the line below, but I have a nerd suggestion to change that line as well…but, I don’t even have a great suggestion: my only fix would be to take it out and just say “Dodgeball in class”. (Let the reader infer that it was gym).
During lunch, his friends and him watched videos as they grinned and laughed,
Slight grammar issue with the “him watched” (which is excusable IF it improved the line execution-wise, but IMO it doesn’t soooo, something like: “During lunch, he and his friends watched videos as they grinned and laughed,” (Both “ands” on either line (yours or mine) have the “ability” to be “’n’”s or “&”s, however the reader wants to string it syllabically.
and the girl he likes smiled in the hall...
he didn't say a word, but that smile was like Church Glass.
Not loving the simile here…”glass” is a nice rhyme, I just think: if you thought about it there’s gotta be a more impactful/ still-rhyming simile. right?...or scratch it & just talk about how “precious” the smile was, or “memorable” & rhyme those words if ya want…or close it…not sure…

======================================
Lars
Interesting how you went somewhat “woke”:
Anti-Black/Brown & anti-Native discrimination Vs. White privilege.
I think you pulled the tone off quite well, without it being overbearing or sounding like “fake-activist”…sounded pretty genuine and historically backed…basically the whole way through. Nice job…except, if I had to nitpick one:
Our skin dark as the finely roasted powder brought in on the wagons
while his pigment had ran as pure and white as the milk that he added.
Alright, this is a double-edged sword right? Cuz it’s a a longgg simile but it ALSO explains ingredients/how the bars are made. Lol. So in that sense it’s creative…it’s just that as a reader I kinda felt a longggg simile comin’ and I was just thinking “Get to the end Lars; I got it.”…Ha, perhaps not so much as a reader, but as a fellow writer…So take the Lime advice of me seeing a lot of you w/ a grain of salt; just think I want more “crispness” in a comparison/simile/metaphor; that’s all. Plus I didn’t think the multi was “as”tight as the usual Lars dopeness.
Also was borderline “low expectations” -- the line about "being sold in stores only whites can afford"…but hey, income inequality & stolen wealth of 4 centuries can be about as broad as one wants; for any particular inequity…

Moving on,
Also loved how towards the end you did not neglect a quick summary of the movie-lore children characters, and a bit of a compliment towards Charlie’s character/work ethic.

-a far more literal take on the picture
But that’s NOT why you’ve got my vote this week (in a close one)…
V Diablo in a general summary vote. For
-overall crispness / efficiency / technical details
-creative flip on the darkside of Wonka Vs. tragedy story (though very well done Soule, props:)
[Maybe it’s personal preference, Soule…I’ve seen a lot of Lars’ writings and only 3 of yours (unless I’ve seen old nicknames of yours in past)…meaning, while where you each “went” with the topic does play a part in personal preference, I would try not to use that as the deciding factor in final voting]…
Your verse had many highlights (&a more pure story; props.)-- I just thought his verse was more efficient and packed from start to finish.

XI
 

Placeholder for my vote____
__________
This is the first time I read any verse from Soule it was quite surprised by the vivid storyline. Very descriptive in a reaction and told the story very well. There was never any confusion and it was very straightforward. No real chances on bending the reality or metaphors or what not. But it was quite entertaining. Especially how you tried to relate the golden ticket to children at the end. A lot of the writing felt a little too simple at times on the rhyme schemes. But you could tell there's a lot of work put into it overall. All right diablo's verse on the other hand was very technical and had a lot of meat on the bones of the verse. It was a bit dry in regards to not really having an open air to it but I did love the picking the candied cotton line as well as the knitting of wordplay throughout. I guess now we know what it is to be a real oompa loompa lol! I also love how he executed the full circle going back to my privilege in the closer.
Soule verse had more color and was more engaging.Soule verse was like a comic book and Diablo's verse was like a peer reviewed scholarly article. So I went to go analyze the topic again and seen the kid open the wrapper and see it three musketeers logo inside. No one talked about the Three musketeers or whoever they are. Lol! So I guess it doesn't even matter.
….....I will decide the winner once I ponder a little. Give me some time

I am totally conflicted with these two verses. However I had to get to the nitty gritty and decide that the technical labor of the art which was displayed with extreme craftsmanship would go to the Diablo.

Diablo wins. Let's go.

I want to hear Frank’s opinion.

XI
 

This wasn't close.
@sral approached this perfectly and executed his approach with technical ability which not many can touch. I love Roald Dahl and I know the inspiration for the Oompa Loompas so this was a delightful verse. Soule your verse wasn't awful but from any way you look at it, it just wasn't as good.

Right guy won

On second read it's even less close.

Lars this verse is really really fucking good. I would love you to move away from the tried and tested, maybe not in a league but in OM. I think you can create something more 'abstract' for lack of a better term because your wording is exceptional.

I appreciate that.

I turned this verse around really fast too, took maybe two days and I posted it well ahead of deadline. This was a mollywhopping, I didn’t feel it was close at all. The champ match after this was meant to be me vs. Bladed Thesis and I would have wrote for that one too because I know Bladed has been around years and is respected on longbar websites. I don’t think we’ve ever faced.

I was gunning for him though.