His Goodbye Letter
 

Cheer up man. Go fuck some teenagers or something.

Whoooooo.

Let's dissect some things.

Before I start let me just say that this concept is very much cliched. So to make it interesting for a reader you have to give it a twist, make it personal and emotionally resonant, or just overload on technical ability to the point that it becomes good. None of those occurred in this piece and I'm left with an empty stomach, looking for something more substantive to digest this afternoon.

"I'm a kid that's been abandoned by his only family
I been passed from home to home like i was candy"

The opening line is too on the nose for me. Your entire piece is going to be about a kid that's been abandoned by his family. Why are stating that in plain fact as your opening line. Also, 'only family' is a bit weird in terms of wording. Most people only have one family. To say only is redundant. Family/candy is a weak rhyme. Not saying it needed to be a multi. It doesn't. But the rhyme itself is weak. Also, is candy passed from home to home? Thus, the rhyme is also forced and the second line doesn't make sense. Also, it should be 'I've'.

"A soul that's broke and soaked in loathe & sadness
A heart that knows no love and no I can't imagine"

Should be 'loathing'. I find the use of 'soul' very cliched and difficult to use in creative writing on this site. The idea of a 'broken soul' is so overused that it should only be employed by a deft hand, which I don't think you have yet. Heart knowing no love is in the same boat. Rhyme was weak.

"The place that harbors such hard earned passion
Accustomed to the company of misery and tragedy"

First line was the best so far. Wasn't some line that blew me away, but it was solid and I had no issues with the wording or idea. The second line here falls into the same problem as 'broken soul' and 'loveless heart'. You're using platitudes without irony, thinking that you're being deep. People who read this are just rolling their eyes. You need to craft original thoughts. The use of 'the company of misery and tragedy' can be done well but it needs some subtlety, some personality. Here it's just a rudimentary tool hammering away at an already driven in nail.

"I've obtained a wrath in me that has reached capacity
It has to be released cuz I can see that I am gradually
Losing steam and having these lucid dreams of abuse"

Obtained is not the correct word to use. It has a positive connotation. The first line is akin to saying "I have obtained AIDS". Achievement unlocked. Reach capacity was decent. Wasn't a fan of the use 'cuz' for aesthetic reasons. Lucid dreams of abuse was the best line of the piece. That was pretty good, actually. Touches on the mentally hamstrung nature of the character you're trying to develop; even with freedom he can't escape this cycle and his inherently broken nature. Nice.

"And screams that ensued in between three and four
Causing me to continually relive the grief and gore"

Gore felt like a forced rhyme. You hadn't previously mentioned anything about violence in a concrete sense, and any contextual clues towards it has to be found with the biggest of magnifying glasses. Screams that ensued between three and four, in conjunction with the lucid dream idea, was good. Second line was not good.

"I begin spewing streaming springs down my cheeks
Emotionally weak from the constant need to re explore
A wound that keeps on bleeding more every tour I take
I'm sore, I ache, I absorb my long awaited escape
As I pour myself a drink and swallow my eternal fate"

Didn't like the use of 'spewing'. Didn't like the use of 'tour'. The last two lines were decent and closed the piece on a relatively high note, emphasis on relatively. Those bars were better than the majority of this piece but in a vacuum they're nothing new or exciting. I did like the 'I'm sore, I ache, I absorb' part of the second to last line. A small dash of creativity in an otherwise very mundane and sterile piece.

Keep writing.

how is a kid passed around like candy? this just doesn't make sense at all, unless you speaking of child sex trafficing, I found this a little disturbing.

"I'm a kid that's been abandoned by his only family
I been passed from home to home like i was candy"

something else that didn't seem to make sense

"A soul that's broke and soaked in loathe & sadness
A heart that knows no love and no I can't imagine"

loathe is a verb not a noun
therefore it should be more like this "soaked in self loathe"
the hate is directed toward a noun
I hope this helps.

The structure and flow seemed pretty good but I think you could have done better here. Overall I would say you can do better but it still sounds pretty good.

Lol. The fake honest unbiased feed was entertaining guys.
Luckily for me I'm confident enough in my abilities that
Well a pancake just don't matter.

Everything I said was unbiased. There are boarders here I don't 'like' who I think can write well.

You can't. It's just a fact. No bias.

I know you're going to ignore it, though. Doesn't bother me. Keep being happy in the bottom tier.

lmao the homie Natural passed around from home to home like the cub scout brownies he soft as the centers of

How is it biased tho

It wasn't. That was completely unbiased. Rape face just sucks and is impatient and stubborn. I'm seeing patterns form here.

lmao I wish this thread had been 'Naturals goodbye letter' instead tbh

probably would have garnered more responses too

Bl ah blah blah
It's biased because his feed is based on reputation
I'm not a popular name around here and it's not the norm
for someone to be genuine when feeding my work.
Hence he is just following a trend.
I'm not here to make friends....
I'm here to improve my craft and I've succeeded in that quite frankly
If you had followed my work from beginning to now you'd know I have

As soon as I alias up and remove that reputation from the equation
I recieve generally positive feed....
A mixture of positives and negatives
Occasionally full out praise...with no real negative.

NEVER under any other alias I've had....has feed been this bad.
Furthermore I am confident in my own writing enough so
To know the difference between genuine feed and this shit

Why use this account then?
Good question.
I won't be long.
But you'll still be feeding my work.

Keep wishing bitch boy. You've fed my work positively too.
Just fyi

Triple post ftw.

Your other accounts probably got that 'I need to get my feed in, here's a carbon copy response saying this was good' feed.

Can you quote this post and change the words? That always doesn't look horribly pathetic.

Correlation =/= causation

Bias is observable. Its characteristic of an opinion not the driving force

"Probably"?

Your taking stabs in the dark now.

lmao in all honesty, if my piece needs bumping I respond favourably to the first 2-3 at the top of the page in the hope they start the ball rolling positively for when the better members read it

don't think you're at all special just because I used you to get me a HOF nod faggot

roflzzz

In this case...it is the driving force.
If my reputation wasn't what it is....perhaps I was just another name among the masses
You'd be forced to judge my writing and my writing alone...because there would be nothing else attached to my name to allow in any bias.

lmao who exactly are you trying to convince here, me, or yourself?

You're a no-name around here.

There is nothing attached to your name but disappointment, contempt, and the thought that you're a poor writing self-obsessed faggot with a hatred for women that say "no", faggot.

The problem isn't that you're not good. We're very happy to help. You have potential. We all were where you are at some point. The problem is that your ego dwarfs your ability at a level rarely seen, and it shows in every post. So if you do come back, cut the crap.

You just made yourself look stupid(at least to anyone with any integrity).

Smh

I'm bored of you already.

Pink slip?

Any topic/alias you want to post under. Make it due tomorrow Sweden time.

It happens a lot. Sometimes it's easier to leave a generic, vague compliment than truly break down someones problems and try to help.

See this topic as an example;

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=45223

Do you think your intimidating me? Lol.
And as always you are incorrect.

lmao did you think you were intimidating when Striktas sister told you no and you forced yourself on her regardless?

He evaluated your writing and your writing alone

Did you miss the parts where he talked entirely about your verse?

They are fair and accurate criticisms

Perhaps you could interpret your piece in an entirely positive manner, but that isn't bias. It is opinion. It is grounded in literal details

Natural, that feed was unbiased and very constructive. Although cake has been a dick to you, it's only because the way you react makes you an easy target. Stay writing, I'll be back to feed this

One person who spoke half truth. Wow.
he problem isn't that you're not good. ←Correct.
The problem is you're ego dwarfs your ability at a level rarely seen ←Incorrect

I never claimed to be top teir. I never said I was better than everybody.
I don't go around acting like I'm God and when I do get legit feed
I return that favor legitimately to them if its possible.

I'm humble about my abilities as a writer.

I don't agree.
I think he came in with the intent to discredit my writing...
And did it like a back handed compliment in the sense

It'd seemingly look nice he's feeding my piece(compliment) but no matter what he's going to discredit every single piece I ever do(back hand)

Cake has never participated in the COTR phenomenon, he is regarded as top tier, he spent a long time breaking down your writing, you have never really insulted him ad don't "board"

He has no motivation or predisposition for bias

You are being irrational unless you can prove some aspect of his feed was dishonest or unfair compared to his other feed

There is no hard proof for any argument in this conversation. I can speak logically..(which I am) and you can continue to claim I'm not and that I'm wrong.
Its a never ending cycle(unless of coarse we just agree to disagree or I'm banned).

You're not getting banned.

I told you in another piece you have posted that I thought your writing needed work and you asked me to explain. You obviously enjoy dropping Open Mics as you've written a ton of them recently. I have my own preconceptions of what is a 'good' topical/open mic piece and that's what fueled all of the criticisms I wrote. You can say I'm wrong. It's my opinion. I do think if you took some of my criticisms to heart your writing would improve. But I'm far from perfect so do you. All apologies for making this into a discussion at the expense of further feed.

agreeing to disagree implies there is no.such thing as objective truth

and technically, i am being logical because I am pointing to what is on the page and you are drawing conclusions without any premises

isn't it possible that Pancake was merely harsh?

Isnt it possible that pancake may be feeding me negatively to get a rise out of me?

It isnt in his character. He's an honest feeder.

Anyways. This thread has enough posts. I will be retreating to my quarters shortly

Ain't much I can say to that...except we leave off where we started
In disagreement.

But ok.

Kudos on me