The Alpha Male
 

The frost that lingered thick off winters grip slumps in the suns sting
a meltdown can be felt now as the Spring's sprung into full swing
Bull Finches cling to skulls singing, with wings tucked in to dull wind
alarm calls mark the dark walls of the hills hung in the wolves glimpse

For in an ear-shots distance, the pack of 'Druid Peak' lie
all filled from kill & resting next to 'Jack' - the Druids lead guy
sleek black & huge with green eyes - his stature is imposing,
a human mans hand print wunt fill where tracks of his had frozen,
his sole presence commands respect.. he rules with an iron paw
defiance buys a swipe of claws where swoops remove entire jaws
it's why he's 'law' - despite he sired all the cubs he's fighting for
he knows in time outside his prime he might be pushed aside in war
for now this titans calling is adhered to, fear through order's kept
his tail & ears stand tall, erect!! their sloped approach is called respect,
some roll to expose chests, allowing attack,
though to pounce & react would be a cowardly act
so he'll cover above em, stood stiff to look sturdy n
boldly gush piss on submissive subservients
a bite would suffice, his tough grip is blood curdling
observant cubs sit & trust this is just learning em

See - Wolf hierarchy etiquette's integral to a stable pack
but early life showed early signs the 'devil' had enabled Jack
to play-up, instigating scraps & blatantly behaving bad
he aimed to scale the ranks but it was plain it was restraint he lacked
one day his fateful dad had made a pact and planned to oust his son
he'd wait & act without his mum around to shun what's now become
a must! - he must be pushed out into exile for survivals sake
he's at that vital age, it's time to brave the wild & find a mate
his instincts hitting heightened state's precisely why a battle's worthless
hence why Jack dispersed unhurt, misguided by his natural urges
now alone, he combs tracks as a nomad and lonely recluse
until suddenly... his focus is glued on the approaching Druids - this is his moment of truth!!

I dig it. There were some instances that brought great imagery. The opening line is a perfect example of that. At times there were perfect usage of words and in others there wasn't. The "lead guy" rhyme seemed lazy to me and threw off the mood you had created in the opening. Besides that the flow was on point for the most part and this was pretty good writing you showcased here. Nice.

How you mean, lazy?

Thanks for the feed btw. I appreciate you taking the time to read this.

I think your word choices and rhyme placement work really well, you've a solid grasp of that and it's evidently a strength of yours you can play on to great effect.

Nice first post.

Keep that pen moving!

Classical bro.. You know that

I mean when looking at the other lines and their complexity then see "lead guy" it seems very lazy.

It instantly tells you he is the leader , and rhymes with 'peak lie'. I was stumped for a synonym I suppose. What would you have replaced it with, that rhymes, and in 2 words tells you he is the alpha?

For in an ear-shots distance, the pack of 'Druid Peak' lie
all filled from kill & resting next to 'Jack' - the Druids elite prize

Idk. Who gives a fuck really.

But he isn't a prize. They didn't win him. If anything, he 'won' the right to lead the pack.
And 'elite' refers to a superior group or organization of people. He's neither or. Not to mention the extra syllable at the start of 'elite', fucks up the flow.

If you'd of written this, and used the replacement you just gave, I'd of fed it and said, "that nonsensical set of words you just strung together there for the sake of rhyming, ruined that bar" That's what I'd of said.
See, I don't mind constructive criticism - but being pedantic about two words you clearly can't improve on yourself - I do mind.

Thanks for (evidently) giving enough of a fuck to make it an issue though. It's greatly appreciated.

You don't mind constructive criticism? I don't believe you.

I picked one line that stood out as being off and pointed it out to you. Thats called constructive criticism. It's not my work to improve on which is why I don't give half a fuck if you agree with what I said about it.

Btw I lol'd at That's what I would have said. Don't know why. Probably because I'm stoned :/

It'd be constructive criticism if it was constructive, not negative. It was 'lazy' yet you had time to reply with an improved version, but couldn't manage it. You get the irony don't you? Good.

So yea... great

Actually I don't get the irony cuz I'm stoopid.

If u can't take criticisms don't post then, this place isn't for u

Well, that goes without saying.


Allen, it's like little Johnny who got a Turtles skateboard for Christmas, telling Tony Hawk he can't skate for shit. Ya get me.

You and him are horrid. I've read shit from both of you. And 'shit' is very apt. How about I put you both in your place. I'll fuckin embarrass you, with ya dated styles. But criticism is fine, as long as you're better than me, I'll take your negative comments with a pinch of salt.

Since you're extremely good and a destined pro at writing I'll refrain from saying anything about your piece. Actually, I'll just refrain from coming by your pieces all together tbh.

Ur wack tho

^^^ I've read your stuff too lol do your name & keep quiet Mr 9-5 lol

Or we could battle

Objective. Sounds good to me. I don't NEED feed from you. Damn, all these silly fuckers with shitty records tryna look like they know what they're talking about. SMH. I always wondered why Netcees was known as the weakest site for writers.

I'll audio, topical, horrorcore, straight battle ANY of you faggots. It's a shame Lars is a member here. He looks so outta place.

Wipe Lars dna off your keyboard faggot

Oh I see. People are not allowed to compliment others on being way outta your league? Ok. I get it. Honesty is the best policy, right?

But I'm genuinely confused. How would his DNA be on my keyboard? I'm sure you tried to fit a joke in there somewhere didn't you? I was half expecting a tumbleweed to roll past at any minute. Shall we get that battle underway then?

Ur trash lmaoo ur not good and this proves it, so cry me a river faggot

Battle me then

Sigh...Usually I'll let people like you be because debating with you would mean I'd have to do something, and I don't like doing stuff. Sadly for you, you caught me in a generally productive mood so I'll ether you back to where you came from because honestly I'm pissed. Not at you, but when I was mod I would delete eyesores like this so the writers wouldn't have to struggle through a man poem written by egotistical, tea sipping, soccer loving faggots who think they're so dope so they drop two pieces in one day and feeds nothing else, well, because ALPHA.
See now you have an ego because all the vets who used to hate you are gone now on your home site and of course you didn't leave, because you're a faggot, and the newbs saw your join date and was like "yeah, he's gotta be good. he's been here forever." They were wrong, but after awhile your ego grew and you said to yourself, "I'm gonna post on netcees because I'm the lead guy. Nd they better not call me lazy. My mom called me lazy once. ONCE. ALPHA."

Well, you were wrong.

Since I'm buddhist I don't really care but, I hope you die of aids you fat fuckin, "I ain't lazy, you lazy. battle me bruh" BETA. #ripstrikta

If you get the urge to respond back, just punch yourself in the face.

@Zenland salute



I wanted to type something out explaining what a cornball he was but it wasn't worth it


Golf clap

You mad? That's bad Karma

Lead guy? I'm not the lead guy. I don't know who you think I am, and I also think you should reconsider your idea of how to 'ether' somebody. Because what you just did ...isn't it.

See, I don't care what negative comments you make. You're mistaking me for somebody who gives a fuck. I just ask for honest constructive criticism because after all, nobody is ever perfect, and to elevate in your craft is never a bad thing.
You must think you look clever in front of your flock of sheep. You must think that because you can google intelligent words, your trailer park vocab might just get you into the 'netcees menza club'. You must think that you weren't actually ever wrong, and that because your lap dancer mother told you to 'chase your dreams', that THIS site is where you should stop running. But you shouldn't. You don't run shit other than your mouth with your google vocab. Lol @ tea sipping. How original. You do actually realise that your remedial country consumes more tea than any other, bar China. And that 'soccer' is a retarded Americanism for a game called FOOTBALL, where we actually use our feet? No, of course you don't, because in your country, you think football is a game where you use your hands. The clue is in the name you silly hillbilly. Didn't you ever learn these things in school? Or was it because your teachers were too busy trying to stop you from trying to self harm with your circle of paper and your rubber pencil?

I voted on battles by the way. Not had chance to feed OMs yet, but then again, you don't need my opinion, and what's more, I'm apparently in the midst of being 'ethered' back to where I came from. Sheesh

Hey, are we going to battle? I'd enjoy punching that Dick Tracy moustache off of your face. It'll be fun. Don't be a pussy now.

Dude, did you punch yourself in the face?

No, I punched you in your ego.

So this all happened because Sails got butthurt over Zenland not liking one line in the piece?

Get over yourself OP. And feed some pieces.

wowzers

C'mon now, don't be like that. My wrong side isn't a nice place to be.

I'm not bothered if I get constructive crit. It'd be foolish to not be accepting of that. I just don't like negativity when the said negativity giver is being pedantic for the sake of it. Oh, and I extensively fed 2 battles earlier, with the same attitude as I received from Zenland. I'm assuming that's how you do it round here?

Hush, stop shaking like a shitting dog and accept my callout you big girls blouse.

I found Saila's homesite

www.freepost.org

I don't have a 'site'. Stop stalking me you weirdo. Jeez

Dammit, i tried to open that link split, now i just feel dumb. Thanks man

If you sign up for the topical league I will give you an ego check you'll never forget.

30 line horror core battle which just happens to be my specialty pussy


I already got 12


Drop first so u don't get to duck this verbal hacksaw to ur juggulAr fagggot

i am God here. post on

Lol

30 lines? Who writes verses 1 bar short? You fucking retard you need to learn to count. Go set it up. Deadline is 1 hour. Bring your pre-written verse lol

I can hear you scribbling away from here. Hurry the fuck up you cock jockey. I seen that shitty verse in your pic battle. Not only are you ridiculously terrible at writing, but you look like the anorexic lovechild of Tom Selleck & Amy Winehouse. Jesus!!