Originally Posted by Split Eight (Post 474463)

do nothing for exactly a week and a day. no contact, don't speak to her.

tell her you're into cosplay, too, and bdsm/ masochism. tell her that the intimation of sex and violence has always appealed to you, but you never had an outlet. and that you had to take a week off of work because after sampling episode one of the ultra rare manga Kensho Rugi Kyo Byugen you've become hopelessly addicted to anime.

after the realization that you missed years and years and years of *not* being consumed by the plots of foreign hand drawings for angsty manchilds, half-assedly learning kanji from DeviantArt pages, taking care of your body nutritionally and trying to build a business selleng hand-painted Wargundam 2K, you slipped into a deep masturbatory coma fueled by self-loathing and a two week subscription to Kink

The next part will be more difficult. Tell her that you want to take her to an underground Naruto convention in your friend's dad's garage, but FIRST you want to experience a sexual reawakening and expand the horizons of her deflated crapsnatch. Get her address. Tell her you'll pick her up at her hovel of an apartment exactly 1 week from the day you send her this text, and obviously, this convention didnt exist and will never exist. You need that time to purchase and assemble the ultimate weapon of sexual gratification

I want you to go on the McMasterr Carr website and purchase the following materials:

16" x 24" Polycarbonate Sheet
1/8" x 1 ft rectangular Aluminum rod
8 x Jenson industrial strength 12,000 ft-lb steel machine springs
2 feet of cylindrical heat shrink
1 tub of hog grease
2x 30 pc tubs of Boy Scout grade electric push buttons
13x M20 bolts and washers
a spool of electrician grade copper wiring
1x Nerf Decimator aiming reticule
1 pack of razorwire dental floss
Swervington Inc. lumbar strut
1x Ovaltine coffee can
a welding mask
3 gallons of lead paint, color Kyoto Sickly White
OSHA-approved fire-retardant bowtie, non-clip
13 Casio fx-115es pocket calculators for you to rip the little solar panels off of
a wallet-sized picture of Hope Solo's mutant asscheeks & Scotch tape

from eBay:
-a shipping box of the uber-rare Bleach giant sword thingy (Any giant faggot anime sword shipping box)
-freshman year keycahin lanyard
-earplugs
- 2x Remington bandoliers
-flea market neckbeard overcoat


finally, one bottle of Wild Turkey 101


and finally, I need you to call 1-872-21-BULKDILDO, ask for Rhonda, and order a bastard's ream of their Delrin-ribbed Error 404 Father-Figure model, if she asks for the girth ID either LaQuan or Mdebe will do. Your choice. Tell them Mrs. James Murphy sent you, and that she specified that she won't be receiving the shipment in either of the usual down south locations. Give your address, no PO boxes, because 81 military grade molybdenum-tooled vag-smashers aren't gonna sign for themselves while trying to convince their husband they missed a decimal on their knitting needle shipment.

After the perpetually returning customer discount, your total for parts & fine American made dildos should come to around $180.65, a price that will pay itself back, I swear to you.

Using my US Dept of Energy security clearance, upon receiving of the necessary parts I will forward you the schematics for the assembly of the Navy issue SEADAD3480 "Trichamber Akimbo-wielded Twennnyfo' caliber Pump Action Self-reciprocating Dildo Blunderbuss". This baby's rated to 6K meters and was designed in collaboration with those LOTR geeks that make 1:69 scale medieval trebuchets. It can launch a US39 Cervixpuncher at Mach 3 & autoadjust aim to within three radial pussy hairs, and that's factory stock.


My boy out in Shamokin can assemble it for you, I've talked to him and barring a particularly good weekend of building nerd electrical shit and not talking to women, he should have it done exactly on the eve of our YuGiOh convention or whatever this bitch believes.

Now, text her on the morning of. say "hello kawaii X3 ~~~ desu desu coffee seppuru minutes hehe" which I understand to mean you'll be there in a bit for the fucking of her lifetime.

Do not dress like an anime nerd fuckboy. Instead, I need you to dress exactly like her disapproving father, just super starched and weirdly old-fashioned for your age. Basically, daily Bagsworth attire. On top of the yellowing oxford shirt, strap in the two bandoliers with 56 dildos slotted in the shell-holders.

Fold the collapsible stock of the Dildo Blunderbus into the sword box, preloaded with a full clip of hog-greased dildos. Tie one end of the lanyard to your belt buckle. Start drinking in the car, you need to be in your final PlumpBags form by zero hour. Put in the earplugs.

Upon answering her answering the door, she sees you dressed strangely- not a problem considering the hordes of weirdos she lets slide into her iron-deficient pink. As soon as she undoes the door chain, you drop the shoulder into her bird chest, then Kung Pow spinkick that bitch right in the bridge of her misfitting glasses, simultaneously letting loose a guttural roar and a piss drunk/gym squat torrent of angry shart. Barging into the room, you rip on that fucking lanyard, shredding the decoy Japanfag Collectible box as the Rubber Cock Cannon is fully unsheathed and primed. Start rifling loose huge black rubber cocks at into everything she knows and loves at 2100 fps, starting with the Sword Art Online 1ed comics, moving to the diecast Samurai Champloo models, then switch to full auto as you take aim at her extensive Dreamcast and Japan-regioned Wii U game shelf.

By now, she's curled on the floor sobbing. As you pause to snag another clip of glistening schlongs, start yelling at her incoherently in broad Asian racial slurs, interspersing words like "McDonalds", "disappointment", "Poke-mans", and "dyke bitch". Pull the release on the stock, and when the dickrifle locks into the doublestack position, get prone on the floor and start double-tapping double-barreled pink/stink fury on this massive whores undercarriage. No need to aim, the sophisticated Casio IC circuitry should autoadapt the timings and trajectories once a skank is detected by the Nerf's viewfinder.



At this point, her life will be essentially ruined and she will have a sobbing orgasm, the most potent of her life as nostalgia & repressed memories of being marginally unhappy in White Middle Class america come tumbling down in a heavily lubed slurry.

because it takes some serious fucking daddy issues to create that cretin of a cumdumpster

Originally Posted by seth (Post 738046)

"and that's factory stock" is literary gold