| Vulgar |
01-21-2014 12:08 AM |
@ Pent uP
Tumultuous is a word I thought of after reading your verse. I read it a couple of times due to my procrastinating this breakdown of both submissions. Korova milk war is a clever pun. I'm glad it didn't turn out like an anti-militaristic babblethon, similar to what I dream of soon after watching Paths of Glory. You achieved a modern air with this one, probably because you mentioned things falling in line with subjects like Cliodynamics, DARPA robots and negotiation with force. The Libya coffee mug, essentially, with extra calcium and reinforcement fibers. Interesting content. The rhyming wasn't your best, but I attribute this to your just getting back into competitive topicals. I applaud you for not mentioning a country in your verse. I would've been way too tempted to mention a Russian city of some sort to establish a colder type of atmosphere. Anonymity ensured this could be City of Tomorrow or Major Metropolis of Reader's Choice. I could criticize some lines here and there, but overall it was a solid one.
@ Diode
From how I understood this, it was about how a man of status puts up a mental bloc of his own assembly against the messenger of humility who tends to sprout from the hearth. Civilizations start with the slow composition of dust and pebbles, and they end with blood and gunpowder. In the past, steel and medieval Creatine. Yes. Moreso than racially ignited warfare, the poor vs. the rich is an ancient concoction, and it's not going anywhere. Using the "act" of a pebble or the synchronized tumblung of an earthly object with a path and a direction, you drew a flip-through picture of a tyrant eliminating the Robin Hood of his time, successfully. Unsuccessful as a righteous king; effective as an deceiver and an assassin.
Quote:
we watched it all from here, my family and i
built amidst the starting struggle as a dividing line
i started as a pebble before that shot was focused
and so i am again since that shot's been posted.
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Just so you know, this part was VERY "meh" to me. I didn't like it. I think you dropped the ball on the ending... personally, I would've ended it without mentioning a first person perspective or his family (the guy in the photo, that was "posted")
Keeping it locked in and pertinent with the Hassan vs. Ali tale would've been wiser, I think.
My vote would've went to Pent Up for taking it a little further with his execution. Diode had the right idea going, but endings for me are chief causes for defeat. |
