Originally Posted by Atomic
(Post 90230)
best pieces of each verse imo:
1.
A memoir for the down trodden, to the ill forgotten:
Drift a mile in worn hauls, become her problems
Be the barefooted strange girl on a cruise ship
Apple bottom, candy cigarette, her nude lips
Be you girl interrupted. All pumped full of lead
Swimming with sharks in her head
2.
Balled and chain not free to flock with the wind,
Animosity sin- a tier above what a melancholy binge.
3.
each tear clings to dirt and falls from a cloud
its weight to much of a burden for pride to allow
verse 1 for me had the superior imagery & emerged me in the story the best. for that least as-well, it followed the topic BEST in my mind, although obviously thats very opinionated, but just how i felt. those bars i quoted were the main bars i was feeling throughout, those really had me feeling like i was part of what was going on & were written very well.
verse 2, for that bar i quoted, i just liked the creativity & concept it held. overall the verse seemed kind of broken up for me & scattered around. for me it just wasn't that great, but there was good ideas within it, i just don't feel they were wrote very well.
verse 3, the bar quoted had a lot of emotion within it, definitely felt it really added to the story. overall i feel your verse was good, but it didn't make me feel part of the story because for a lot of it, the bars felt vague, like they didn't really tell you anything. the flow overall to it was the best out any of the verses imo, although for a topical/my opinion that doesn't count for that much.
overall, i'm going to have to vote for piece 1 & say that piece2&3 tied. piece 1 just really drew me into the story the best, gave the best imagery, & overall I just feel like it was done better then the other 2. cool verses though guys, i really did enjoy reading each one because this picture seems like it would make for kind of a weird topic, it was cool seeing what direction each of you took it in. either way, verse 1 got it, props guys.
v/ 1.
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