Quote:
Originally Posted by Corleone
(Post 766955)
bullshit, he was being sarcastic and indirected everything in which he seconded behind sharps posts at the discussion forum
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look man, I'll be honest I don't know how break down bars when people don't make an attempt to write punches. If you make an attempt and I can see what needs correction, I can say "Oh yeah, this wording on this needs improvement here and there's an issue with the syntax of this wordplay here"
but if you don't have an attempt at a punch, there's nothing I can really say. It's like if someone asked me to give them advice on how to improve their form on shooting a basketball and we go out on the court and that person just starts showing me their dribbling technique. It's like nah, you gotta aim at the bucket or something, you can't just dribble or else I can't tell you what improvements you need to make on your rim game
let's try this again being 100% real here
sharp losing a third time? no doubt in my mind,
as this dude falls victim, like a knife to a crime/(sharp/knife)
first off, you don't have to explain your bars. People here just don't like it. I'm actually a bit more lenient and think that's irrelevant, so I don't really care. I'm just letting you know that there are people who will automatically deduce points from you for that, and I know because I've used similar explanations in the past and gotten knocked for it.
Secondly, you could improve on your rhyming, right now all three of these rhymes are only using one syllable. You could increase this by choosing to rhyme something like "life on the line" would be a better 4-syllable slant rhyme for "knife to a crime", since life/knife rhyme together. That's all irrelevant though, because I primarily look at punchlines when judging battles. As I stated, sharp/knife concepts have been used against sharp before, and saying someone "falls victim like a knife to a crime" doesn't really mean anything literally or metaphorically, I'm sorry.
I'm nice with the rhymes.. this kid over his head,
like doing sit ups on a comforter bed/(sit ups/cor)
.. he can't fuck with cor,
Again, the rhyme could use more than one syllable. This is probably your best attempt at a punch/wordplay. It's a solid idea, but like I said, it's kind of ineffective to word it in this manner where you end the line and then move the punch to the beginning of the next line. People just expect you to have the finishing blow at the end of your line. This is kind of like you go 10 rounds and then finally after the match is over, you go in for the finishing knockout. It just doesn't count, it's too late, it's over.
sharp pains travel throughout his abdomen and rupture his heart/
after two no shows, he's still hawkin to battle?
I'll take sharp off the board, like I taught in a classroom/(sharp markers/class board)
I'll be honest, I don't know what "heart" is supposed to rhyme with. Cor? Even battle and classroom is a bit of a stretch rhyme-wise but I'll accept it, and it's the closest thing you've had to a rhyme with more than just one syllable. That being said... as I stated in my vote, his name is Sharp, the marker brand is called Sharpie. They're two different things. If instead of "Corleone" he called you Coronavirus without any reason, just because those things kinda almost sound similar to a deaf person, I would tell him that doesn't make sense. Also, nobody uses sharpies to write in a class room, they're permanent markers. You could never erase them from the board.
he knows I'll fuccin erase him,
and put his career on stand by, when I put chalk to the pavement/
Your best example of a multisyllable rhyme, erase slant rhymes with pave and him slant rhymes with ment. Solid job. Of course, you could always rhyme more than 2 syllables and do it on every line. Also, this line just doesn't have any attempt for a punch in it, so I can't really say a whole lot about it. It's just stated very matter of fact, "I'm gonna circle your body in chalk" but there's no level of lyricism or wit behind it
cause markers can't outline a corpse,
especially when that marker has gone it's course/
Again going back to one syllable rhymes, but also I think you're spending too much time on this whole weird markers/outlined with chalk idea and it's not really getting to a point. This sentence doesn't even mean much. I mean technically, a sharpie marker could outline a corpse. I guess if it's "gone its course" and run out of ink it couldn't, but this whole metaphor stems from the idea that you're comparing the name Sharp to a Sharpie which are just two different things
.. and sharp was a mark buster from the very beginning,
he can't show his face in the streets, cause niggas'll kill him/
I kinda like the switch from the marker idea to calling him a mark, it's a cool concept, but again when you have your haymaker punches, it should usually be at the end of your second line. It's just a formula of setting up the bar, building up the hype, and then reaching the haymaker at just the right time. The "he can't show his face on the streets cause people will kill him" just doesn't have any lyricism to it
.. sharp known for duckin his beef,
was confronted in peace,
but left to an unlovingly piece..
Again, "left to an unlovingly piece" doesn't really make a lot of sense. I get that it's a gun reference, but it's also something that's been done a million times. I mean, you said you've been around since 1995, I've been around since at least 2000 or so and piece/peace/gun type bars were something they were doing back then. It's 20-25 years later, there's been literally millions of bars written since then and a LOT of them have similar ideas, and many of them were worded much effectively than this. You gotta evolve your writing more because that shit is played out a hundred times over
anyway, mvgt still goes to Sharp. It's not even a close call tbh, and that's not a knock on you. If you came out here writing the most unbelievable concepts I've ever read, I'd be all for it. It just wasn't good. At all. No troll, just being honest. You can take that as hate and do nothing to get better or just take that as the constructive criticism it is and improve.
