Thanks @Aero appreciate your time man glad you took a look at this tho


If any links y'all want me to feed hit me up

@Genocide should respond to this

@CopyPat

Holla at this

And @Objective maybe you will appreciate this one aside from my told of fame written

Couldn't get into it.

@dead man

only the second verse was mine bro

You don't have to change emotion, but you can learn how to express it, so to say, better.

dope collab

loved this bar
Hold the chord- strumming death is just an open chore,
Laid in depth, I paid respect with wounds of an open sore.

i think that was y9our smoothest set of lines right there @Storyteller

@Just Write..
you did well here but i feel like you just rushed through this piece, not the typical lines i expect to see from you when i read some just write shit.

feel like you need to work on some less expected/clishe vocab. pop out the woodworks with some less seen words that are well placed. dont flood your verse with it. but a couple well placed onnes make all the difference

storyteller..
your style hasnt changed much it seems. definitely have some talent. i feel like you use too much description in your lines.

like the beginning of your line there will be a word that describes the next word and then the end youll do it again which to me.... makes for a week line, i like an attacking set of words with maybe a metaphor to define what you just said. to me -too much description is killing your elevation. i know your a beast, but i also know you have the ability to get better. try to work on that and you i think you will. peace

First off, I thought you both framed a generous amount of quality language for us to read and sift through. In that category, the one of 'entrenchment' and reader involvement, it was a successful endeavor. Slightly sloppy in some parts which I'll give some suggestions on but the ground work was laid through very universal, yet at the same time eloquent details. The chemistry between you two as collaborators was authentic, only dulled by some minor obstacles in your diction. As is, I think Storyteller displayed some poetic thinking, not being afraid to get inside of the clock and start messing with the wires. You fully tweaked the topic to the best of your ability and it was evident by the way you wrote this: full of passion, just not as relaxed and composed as it could've been, but this is just my personal taste.

The first verse was very general and could've been about anything. I found it to be adaptable, but not distinct or full of profundity. You mentioned a reference like Lucifer, which opened some doors of opportunity. However, I felt you kept it too general - like you weren't getting specific and really explaining why you mentioned this evil entity. I don't know if the backstory of the gay man who is being oppressed really fits together with a fallen angel / Lucifer / darkness falls schematic.

Just Write's verse was also general but targeted something more tangible than the first verse: speaking on "substantial matters" with a clear voice, mostly unclogged by irrelevant imagery that can get distracting.

Some more suggestions/comments:

Timeless- capsule closed reaching for a purpose is deemed,
A self act in between Hell's Kitchen where it's never said of what's seen.
First line: purpose is deemed...what? Deemed what? This read like an incomplete sentence fragment. I like 'timeless capsule closed'... maybe 'Timeless capsule closed, outreaching toward bicentennial dreams' - meh, it's just a 'Vulgarian' suggestion.

A self act in between Hell's Kitchen where it's never said of what's seen.
A settling scheme that cleans the minds of the free,
Tending to bent iron that speaks a language death silently treats.
He knew not to weep for weakness held an abominable weight,
Classical traits that prey'd into the shadowing wait.
Practical phase that lent hands to peel the nails shallowly straight,
Unraveling displayed that bellowed a soul 6 ft. To it's fate.
^This part was all over the place for me. It was like trying to drive with like 15 hands on the same steering wheel. I think you need to keep your writing tempo more relaxed so you can get your thoughts out one by one on the page, all seamless if possible.

It was a cool read, gents.