Netcees - It only takes one to change the tides of society

Quote:

Originally Posted by Flo Real (Post 76042)

@Split Eight you know how to keep a lady waiting....

lol oops

Quote:

Originally Posted by Flo Real (Post 72063)

A token of hoping;one drop against the weight of the infinite ocean
With an explosion; the ocean persists with potent waves, hits after hits

really wanted waves to rhyme better with something cause its a harsh transition to "hits after hits" with that comma placement.

Quote:

Soaking, frozen and broken, he drifts eying eloping from the fierceness that exists
But in an innocent twist, his empiricist roots now prove their significance
Could be a spiritual gift or coincidence that with each hit now improves his diligence
His senses now sharp, his fearless charged, his limitless potential unbarred
His original innocence scarred, his unforgivable resistance now hard, he strikes an bombards
He fights back and he spars, he attacks and he scars, he guards, darts and goes straight for the heart

couldnt really place with this part with the opening.

Quote:

The others can see, the momentum builds and more ones start to believe, then one becomes three
With bravery they scream like banshees and banish the sea, it recedes and it flees
They gather around,they become bound to the one and so a new shepherd is crowned
A victory found, but how long will it be before that ideology is drowned?

kinda vague

idk your metaphors are nicely descriptive, and everything flows and isnt sloppy, but it feels like you kinda ran headlong into the verse.

to make things clearer, your metaphors make sense on a literal level.. very well, in fact... but when taken as figurative language, there's like this scattered splattering of meanings and they don't form anything coherent

so your ending is really unsatisfactory because it feels unfocused. you need to lead your readers a little better, i think